Hades is supposed to be an action-packed roguelite about breaking out of hell, but if you’re anything like me, it’s more like a daydream simulator about getting to know all its blasphemously attractive characters. All manner of gods and goddesses and heroes of ancient lore appear to give our hero Zagreus a helping hand (or a roadblock) during his escape. And they look damn good doing it. Which of course begs the question: just how would these mythical beauties all fare in the modern dating pool? And should you swipe right?
You know her; you’re metaphysically incapable of not loving her; you’ve probably been hurt by her or someone she influenced. She’s not “on” dating apps so much as she “is” all dating apps ever constructed — from Tinder to cave people giving each other berries as a sign of affection. And yet… Aphrodite still maintains multiple profiles across all the major services, because even she gets curious about what’s out there. She’s here for a good time, not a long time, because she has several other continents to share the love across.
I have to imagine that Zeus’s wife from mythology, Hera, isn’t in the game because she’s finally given up on her good for nothing husband. More power to her for that! Modern era Zeus has a profile on. Every. Single. App. But his bios are sparse and he texts like a boomer, so he doesn’t have much luck. Which is good! Do not date Zeus.
Poseidon’s casual “long walks on the beach” style profiles might be tempting, but there’s definitely a whisper network bubbling up around this guy. Don’t fall for his act. You can’t breathe underwater either…
Hades is the divorced midlife crisis guy who makes an OK Cupid profile to look for women his kid’s age. Doesn’t seem to be able to say a word without negging. Avoid.
Dionysus is everywhere you, personally, look on every app. There is definitely some godly magic going on here; his profile says exactly what you’re looking for no matter who you are, or what mood you happen to be in. He uses his powers for good, though. Dionysus shows his dates all the best parties in town – even though you’re pretty sure he’s not a local. Can be a little difficult to get a hold of, since he’s probably sleeping off that hangover…
Athena isn’t particularly interested in dating, but she uses the queer social app Lex to post personal ads inviting mortals to board game nights. They are very extravagant, with the best snacks in tow, but be warned: she takes losing extremely badly.
Like Athena, she’s not really in it for romance, but she’s got a variety of apps stocked with pictures of her taken in remote hiking locations. She’s more than willing for you to tag along, but get ready for it to be intense. Sometimes she and Athena will go together, but there’s a lot of bickering involved.
Talking to Ares is definitely a little intense. All of his pictures are shirtless gym selfies, and he will not shut up about valor. A lot of your friends have crossed paths with him and one of them swears he tried to give them an actual vial of blood on the first date.
Hermes likes the snap decisions of Tinder, but he’s too busy to fill out his profile with more than the basic information in one-word snippets. Still, if you two get to the texting stage, he will never leave you on read.
From the second you first speak to Nyx, she’s the most supportive person you’ve ever come into contact with. You can only meet her when the sun’s gone down, and that’s a little weird, but absolutely worth it as she cheers on all your dreams.
Demeter used to be a well-known name on dating apps for seniors — hosting famously intricate dinner dates. But she seems to have gone idle lately. For some reason, she slows way down once spring arrives.
Hypnos isn’t actually interested enough to be on any apps, but if you get to know him in person, he hosts the most incredible nap dates. Snacks and sleep are the only thing you need. They’re also all you’ll get from him without a lot of prodding. He’s just not really the proactive type.
One might suspect that some of the other legends are interfering in Sisyphus’s dating life. He always seems to get ghosted right as he’s about to meet someone very nice he was speaking to for a while. What gives? Still, he keeps trying, and he seems to be enjoying himself. When life puts a boulder bearing down on you, it’s best to look up.
If you run into Patroclus on Tinder, you’ll wonder why he even bothers at all. He mentions his ex in the first line of his bio! If you try to message him, he’ll only send you sad poetry.
As the literal embodiment of primordial chaos — the swirling and formless mass of energy and matter that imploded into finite being at the dawn of creation — Chaos is only on Hinge.
You won’t find her on an app, but if you go to the right kind of parties, you’ll definitely run into her. But she’ll be quick as a whip to tell if you’re not serious. Her sisters are incredibly judgmental, too. Don’t get on their bad side.
You know those guys on Tinder who message “hey”? The ones that, if you don’t reply within two hours, send 25 messages in a row getting periodically madder about how you’re not even hot and why do women hate nice guys? Yeah. That’s Theseus… It’s always him.
Thanatos (or Than to his friends, as his profile establishes) is technically in an ethically non-monogamous relationship with Zagreus. Although he’s not actually that interested in other people. Besides, he once had to escort the soul of a deceased ex-hookup, and it was, like, super awkward.
Catch me looking in the mirror repeating to myself that hot and sarcastic does not mean boyfriend material. Zag would be great at checking in while you two are in the texting stage, and that guy who sends you little Venmo payments to buy yourself a latte during your lunch break, but then would ghost you on the date. Sorry. He’s just got, like, a lot going on right now with his family.