As Super Smash Bros. Ultimate approaches its two month anniversary, the game’s competitive scene is firming up. After the recent 2.0 update and addition of Piranha Plant, tier lists are shifting and settling down as players determine the most reliable characters in the game.
But does it always have to be about fighting?
It’s Kiss Week at Fanbyte, and that means that right now, I’m not interested in how well Donkey Kong can dunk Kirby into a bottomless pit with his hairy gorilla arms. No! I want to know whether those hairy gorilla arms can give me the cuddles we need for a successful night of Netflix and chill. Which is why I’ll be ranking every Ultimate character, not on their ability to KO, but on their ability to love.
A few notes before we get started: I’m not including any character that can be classified as a child, for obvious reasons. I’m also not including Pokémon or any animal that is not bipedal, because I’m not opening that particular can of worms. So let’s get ranking!
Bottom Tier: Wavedash-away From These Creeps
- King K. Rool
Squatting at the bottom of the pack are these guys. Just looking at the gross way they move, and the gross things they do with themselves and others, you can tell that these are some super gross dudes. With personal histories that include acts of either extreme selfishness or extreme evil, I wouldn’t even touch this lot with a barge-pole. [While I stand by my authors’ journalistic freedom, I must note that the inclusion of King K. Rool in this tier does not reflect Fanbyte or its values. -mk]
Tier 9: Arrogant Taunt Boys
Confidence is sexy, but there’s a fine line between a hip shake and an obnoxious thrust — and unfortunately, these characters will always love themselves before they love you. Whether they’re a lazy man-bird that copies other people’s moves, or an obnoxious hedgehog that’s constantly rushing you, they all deserve to be put in the bin.
Tier 8: Shady Folks Who Are Clearly Playing Games
- Diddy Kong
- Dr Mario
If Joey Greco was a character in the world of Smash Bros, this lot would be prime suspects in his mission to name and shame its worst cheaters. Featuring such slimy individuals as a notorious tax dodger, and someone with a history of manipulating and threatening several political officials in the pursuit of power, this tier is home to a bunch of ne’er-do-wells who will break your heart and steal your wallet.
Tier 7: Edge-Guarding-Lords, Who Are Just Too Dang Mysterious
- Dark Samus
Standing in the corner with a Dark ’n’ Stormy in hand, this group may appear initially attractive, but so determined are they to remain cold and distant — and in the case of Dark Samus, entirely alien — that you’re unlikely to get any of them to snuggle down in a pillow fort with you. As you realize that they’re far too busy brooding on their bloody pasts, the novelty of dating a vampire hunter or dragon man will quickly wear off.
Tier 6: Hot Dudes That Your Parents Definitely Won’t Approve of
We’ve all wanted to rebel against parental figures at one time or another, and there’s no better way to go about it than to deliberately date someone you know will ruffle some feathers. But you’re eventually going to realize that achieving one small rebellion is not worth the immense headache of dealing with the antics of a tyrannical demon-lord, a villainous space-pirate, or a maverick robot obsessed with gyros.
Tier 5: Big Dads Who Make Bad Decisions
- King Dedede
Unlike the above categories, these guys have committed felonies in the past, but they also excel in the thicc and cuddly department, and happen to play dad to an enormous brood of cute children. Certainly, how they came to acquire these children is a tad mystifying, and they’ve made several questionable parenting choices in the past but they’re both certified DILFs nonetheless.
Tier 4: Partners for People Who Like Pineapple on Pizza
- Mr. Game & Watch
- Piranha Plant
This tier is reserved exclusively for the characters so strange, that even I don’t know where to put them. I’m not entirely sure whether Piranha Plant is capable of giving or receiving love, and no-one really knows what exactly Mr Game & Watch is, beyond being immensely powerful. But if you like exotic, then Smash certainly caters to the unconventional.
Tier 3: Responsible Career Women
- Zero Suit Samus
Running a kingdom, commanding a fleet of angels, and collecting bounties all take up a lot of time and carry a ton of responsibility. I know I couldn’t cut it, and I currently juggle two jobs and several cats. Yet all these women do one or more of these things on top of being kidnapped and heckled by space pirates on a regular basis. I mean, there’s a reason why Peach only ever seems to communicate with Mario via letters: she just doesn’t have the time for a dinner date with all these Toads to keep tabs on. As such, this tier’s availability for romantic entanglements must be pretty low, so good luck with those spontaneous weekends away.
Tier 2: Adventurous Lads and Ladies
- Wii Fit Trainer
- Captain Falcon
- Little Mac
Do you like pinã coladas? Do you also like getting caught in the rain? If you answered yes to both those questions, then may I present this fine selection of bachelors and bachelorettes. Whether you’re looking for a man barmy enough to investigate several haunted mansions armed with just a vacuum cleaner, or a woman whose pastimes include battling armies of angelic grotesques whilst dressed in a nun’s habit, this tier of ambitious thrill-seekers is perfect for you.
Tier 1: The Ultimate Tag Team Partners
- Donkey Kong
And so we’ve finally reached the top tier in our list. Not swiping right on these particular dishy dreamboats would be a crime to ol’ Saint Valentine himself. Affectionate, beautiful, compassionate, dependable, earnest, I could continue to use every letter in the alphabet to describe the appeal of these lovely individuals. Whatever your tastes, whether it’s a tall glass of water, a squat mug of tomato soup, or a chonky bowl of bananas, this tier has the perfect partner for anyone hoping for a smashing romance.
And there it is, a complete guide to the romancibility of (almost) every Smash Bros character. I wish you the happiest of Valentine’s Days, whomever you spend it with — Smash Bro or no Smash Bro.