Ranking the Tony Hawk Pro Skater Soundtrack by Makeoutability

Skaters rejoice! There is no better way to celebrate Valentine’s Day with your shreddin’ sweetie than by putting on one of the most underrated romance soundtracks of our generation. This year the Tony Hawk Pro Skater OST is celebrating its 20th anniversary, and it’s safe to say that after two decades this compilation still slaps.

So, lace up your Vans, light some candles, and make sure to close the blinds so that none of the little neighborhood groms can see what you’re up to, because I’m ranking the ten tracks that make up the audio accompaniment to the first installment of the iconic THPS series.

10. Primus – Jerry Was A Race Car Driver  

Look, no one wants to make out to any Primus song. Ever. Les Claypool’s twangy, oddball singing style and the peculiar arrangements of the band’s music is best enjoyed alone, in a dark room, controller in hand. Don’t subject anyone else to this. Jerry was a race car driver, not a casanova.

9. The Ernies – Here & Now

The beginning guitar solo of this song seems like it should quickly be followed with the iconic grumbly lyrics of “are youuuuu reeeeeeady” from Korn’s song “Blind,” but then we are quickly thrust into rap-metal-ska purgatory. This is probably a good song during which to change the lighting or take a bathroom break. Gaming and macking not advised.

8. Even Rude – Vilified

The harsh lyrics and ska-metal mash up vibes are super distracting when you’re trying to bring your A-game kissing action. The lyrics come off spoken-wordy and just like “Here & Now,” it leans towards off-putting rather than the preferred gnarly. No bueno, dudes.

7. Committed – Unsane

In a dream world, I’d like to think the title of this track is about relationships, but instead this song plays out like a tormented, alternative, Western theme of the punk variety. It’s short, it’s rough, and kills the mood a bit. We can work with it, but do we want to? Nah! Do I want to see my Bucky Lasek hang in the air like he’s in The Matrix to it? Hell yeah.

6. Speedealer – Screamer (Nothing To Me)

Now we’re cooking with fire! The band name and song title let you know exactly what you’re in store for with this double track. If you and your honey don’t mind a little thrash in the bedroom, this is going to keep the momentum going. The second half morphs into a hoedown style romp and it makes me want to do a kickflip on my baby’s lips.

5. The Vandals – Euro-Barge

Lyrics like “I am the ambassador / I’ll kick your assador” don’t exactly scream Shakespeare, but the musicality is fun and happy. The content of the song very well may pop out while you’re busy locking lips — it’s definitely one of those tracks where you stop what you’re doing to laugh, which is also kind of hot? So it gets points for being silly as hell.

4. Goldfinger – Superman

If this horn section doesn’t do it to you, I don’t know what will. This upbeat, ska anthem will have you seeing Bob Burnquist absolutely crushing the vert ramp in your mind. And the posi tempo not only lends itself to engaged gameplay, but to bomb foreplay as well. Insert joke about Goldfinger as a band name here.

3. Suicidal Tendencies – Cyco Vision

This right here is probably the most memorable song on the soundtrack. It’s fast, it’s in your face, and you’ll never forgot the anticipation of your digital skateboard dropping in to that drum roll. “Cyco Vision” leaps out of your Playstation and onto your plushy leather couch for an absolute ace of a makeout song. Its only downfall is that it’s just a little too short.

2. Dead Kennedys – Police Truck

The Dead Kennedys open the soundtrack and really do the trick in terms of makeoutability and gaming enhancement. Jello Biafra’s buttery punk vocals about the police state set the mood for a perfect “let’s just kiss while the world burns around us” session.

1. Suicide Machines – New Girl

The 90s called and wanted to let you know about this song that perfectly encapsulates the audio sensibilities of the decade. “New Girl” is definitely the most romantic number on the soundtrack. The lyrics declare “Well I can’t wait to tell you all about her, all about my new girl (He can’t wait to tell you about his new girl).” And let’s be real — there isn’t anything sexier than bragging about your babe to your friends. A skater boi after my own heart!

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