It is a truth self-evident that people want to kiss robots. There’s just something about their cold, metal lips that drives us wild. But which of pop culture’s many beloved robots, you might ask, are the most kissable? I am here to answer that question. But first, we need to establish some rules.
First off, of course, no robots designed to look like children — so Mega Man or Astro Boy-types are out.
Second, I’m going to allow androids, but not those made to look as human as possible. Allowing human-looking robots would just defeat the point of the exercise. Thus, no milk-filled flesh-androids from Aliens, but anthropomorphically-shaped metal men and women like Bender or iRobot’s Sonny are fine.
The third, final and loosest rule is that the robot must have some form of smooch-worthy characteristic. Not necessarily lips as we know them, but some feature on which to plant one. Subjective, to be sure, but an important criterion nonetheless.
And so, without further ado, I give you pop culture’s most kissable robots.
8. Voltron – Voltron: Defender of the Universe
You may have loved Netflix’s Voltron: Legendary Defender or you may have loathed it, but there’s one thing we can all agree was missing from the reboot’s design of the titular universe-defending robot: big, luscious lips. Both versions have the same stern, lion-mouth-encompassed expression, but only the original had lips worth smooching.
Sure, Voltron is a mecha reliant on pilots to move and/or pucker up for a kiss, and sure, there are five people inside of it, but heck if those lips aren’t Allura-ing as hell (I’m sorry). Maybe Voltron wouldn’t be the best kisser, but if I also happened to be a giant robot made out of five smaller feline-themed robots and I had the chance to test out Voltron’s prominent bot lips, I sure wouldn’t say no.
7. C-3PO – Star Wars
There are a lot of reasons to love C-3PO: he’s kind, polite, caring and is fluent in over six million forms of communication — now that’s grade-A romantic partner material. But we’re not concerned with robot relationship potential, we just need to know if he’d make for a good make-out. And let me tell you, kissing C-3PO would be interesting as hell.
The reason I say this is because, well… as a kid did you ever wear one of those plastic Halloween masks with the breathing slit in the mouth? You know how you couldn’t help but put your tongue through it over and over again even though you knew it’d get cut up? C-3PO’s mouth is like that. I am so madly driven by my dumb lizard brain to kiss the hell out of his mouth so I can see if my tongue fits in that tempting little rectangle, knowing full well that it will definitely get stuck and/or will definitely get cut the hell up.
But you know what? C-3PO wouldn’t judge me for such a kissing debacle, which is another reason he made the list.
6. Vision – Marvel Cinematic Universe
It’s a purple Paul Betany who can sort of cook Sokovian food and looks adorable in a sweater, what’s not to love? Next!
5. Starscream – Transformers
Choosing just one robot from Transformers was a difficult task; Optimus was out because of his lack of a mouth, Bumblebee was depicted as the young rookie of the team, and Megatron is a literal gun who could go off at any minute during a make-out session. Arcee was a prime candidate, but she sort of falls into the same category as Bumblebee and also was clearly designed by a bunch of dudes to be attractive, and since we’re looking at robots that unintentionally have smooch draw, she’s not my top choice.
So who made the final cut? Starscream. On top of being one of the Transformers who has an actual mouth, Starscream is perhaps the most complex character across the Transformers franchise, i.e. he has a troubled figure appeal to him and his dedication to Megatron suggests he would be an attentive and selfless lover, and thus a great kisser. Sure, he’s probably only making out with you so he can usurp your position of power, but damn if it wouldn’t be some of the best smooching you’ve ever had.
4. The Robot – Lost In Space (2018 reboot)
When Netflix’s Lost In Space reboot first dropped, the internet was all over The Robot’s redesign. Why? Because of that ass. The Robot had quite a butt on it, and while it doesn’t have any lips, it still makes the list because, were you to give its screen face a kiss, you’d have some great make-out leverage via said butt, just grab on and go at it.
The Robot’s arms also separate into four arms, so it can hold both you and your things while smooching. Add to this the appeal of The Robot’s protector role, and you have yourself a pretty enticing kissing partner… though you may have to teach it what kissing is.
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3. Gurren Lagann – Gurren Lagann
Listen, I just want to want to kiss the torso face’s mouth. I don’t know how, I don’t know why, but by god I am going to try and plant a wet one on that toothy grin.
2. H.E.L.P.eR. – The Venture Bros.
For those who have never watched The Venture Bros., H.E.L.P.eR is a caretaker and assistant robot that has been with the main character, Rusty Venture, since he was a child, watching over him and eventually his sons in present day. H.E.L.P.eR is easily one of the most endearing characters in the series, mainly because he holds his family so dearly — in fact, when the Venture family got a new household robot, he pushed it off a building out of jealousy. That’s his family, damnit.
Aside from this and some other occasional pettiness, H.E.L.P.eR is incredibly sweet, and though his jaws look like a literal death trap for human lips, you can’t help but want to give him a little smooch for all he’s done. Maybe H.E.L.P.eR isn’t the most kissable of the bunch, but the beepin’ and boopin’ bot deserves at least some form of affection for all he’s done, since he’s sure as hell is not getting it from the Venture family.
Some kissable bots didn’t quite make the cut, like Alpha 5 of Power Rangers — who works so hard and is so stressed, you guys — or Android 16 of Dragon Ball Z. Unfortunately, the former doesn’t have any lips to smooch and the latter is designed to look human, plus he’s modeled after a man’s dead son, so that’s kind of a mood-killer. Andrew Martin of Bicentennial Man was another option, but I’m not sure I want to explore my brain enough to find an explanation for why I wanted to include him.
1. Nick Valentine – Fallout 4
Last and certainly not least, we have the robot detective that inspired waves of sexy fanart, Nick Valentine of Fallout 4. The love for Valentine is likely due to two things: his cool aesthetic and demeanor, and the option to romance him ingame. Combine the two, and Nick is just asking to kiss you in his office before staring listlessly out his window for the rest of the night.
Nick also happens to have some form of appealing-looking lips, and if you can look past the, you know, rotting robot flesh and haunting glowing eyes, he has quite the kiss-worthy magnetism to him. Plus, he’s a local hero in Diamond City, and nothing deserves a smooch quite like saving the day and finding lost children and loved ones. Who cares if he smells like weird synthetic plastics and has the memories of man long-dead, this bot has some serious makeout potential.