Every NES Game I Found at My Parents’ House, Ranked

Above is an image of a box of games for the Nintendo Entertainment System, which are originals from my childhood. I uncovered this box last night, during a visit to my folks’ place for my niece’s seventh birthday. Having reclaimed this relic, it is now my duty as Fanbyte List Czar to rank these games.

By now, however, everyone knows which NES games are good, so I’ll be ranking these games based on how much I liked them as a child. I’ll also be leaving the writing duties for this post to my inner child, Li’l Jordo.

The lasting legacies of these titles, or my appreciation for them as an adult, carried no weight during the construction of this list. As such, your mileage may vary should you choose to play any of my childhood NES games. Take it away, Li’l Jordo!

#10: Dragon Warrior

Took me an hour to figure out that you have to open a menu every time you want to go up or down stairs. I hate it.

#09: Star Trek: 25th Anniversary

There’s a really long part at the beginning where a bunch of boring guys talk for a long time, but then you’re on a spaceship and that’s pretty cool.

Eventually I got down onto a planet but the music was really scary and I didn’t really know what I was doing. There’s monsters sometimes and a big creepy temple thing and it made me feel weird so I stopped playing. Too scary.

#08: Wayne’s World

I know that Wayne’s World is a movie but I’ve never seen it, and I don’t remember where or how we got this game. Definitely wasn’t for one of my birthdays or Christmas. My sisters play a lot of the games we have but I’ve never seen them play this one.

The guy with the laser gun is way better than the guy that just kicks, but the game is really hard with either of them. I can never get past the big stack of records.

#07: Tom & Jerry

Tom & Jerry is a funny cartoon sometimes but this game isn’t funny at all. You have to be Jerry and I don’t like Jerry, I like Tom — Jerry is mean to Tom all the time, he puts Tom’s tail in the power outlet and Tom gets electrocuted. Mama told me not to ever put anything in the power outlet because I could get electrocuted and get really hurt.

This game would be a lot better if you could be Tom and not Jerry.

#06: Tiny Toon Adventures 2: Trouble in Wackyland

I like Animaniacs more than I like Tiny Toons, but Tiny Toons is good too. This game is too hard, though. You have to get four golden tickets from winning the levels and I can never beat all four levels before I get a game over, so I’ve never made it into the Fun House. I like the bumper-car level the most since that’s the one with Plucky Duck, and Plucky is my favorite Tiny Toon.

#05: Tetris

Mama likes this one a lot more than I do but I still think it’s fun. I have this on my Game Boy too, but this one has different music so it’s not as good. One of the songs on here is from the Nutcracker; I recognize it because my sister is in that ballet every year. I think it’s real weird that a song from a ballet would be in a video game, so I guess the ballet must have taken it from Tetris.

#04: Super Mario Bros. / Duck Hunt / World Class Track Meet

This game is three games instead of just one game, and that’s really cool. More games should be more than one game, I think. Super Mario Bros. is the best one and my sisters like it a lot too, but we all like Super Mario Bros. 3 more. Duck Hunt is real fun too, I like the dog and the gun you play it with makes a really great click.

Sometimes I like to just play with the gun but the click noise can get on Mama’s nerves. We almost never play the running game — getting the big mat out of the closet is a hassle and we have to move the coffee table — but it’s a lot of fun to stomp as fast as you can and then jump!

#03: Dr. Mario

Mama and Daddy like this one a whole lot, I think it’s their favorite out of all the games we have. Sometimes I can hear them playing it after the rest of us all go to bed — it’s not fair that we have to go to bed early but they get to stay up and play video games for as long as they want.

Anyway, this game is fun even if I don’t get to play it past bedtime. I’m better at it than Tetris and the music in this game is really good. I think the little germ guys are cute and Mario looks funny as a doctor. Also, when you beat level 5 it shows the germs sitting on a tree — I don’t get what that has to do with the rest of the game.

#02: The Legend of Zelda

This game is great. The music is good and the monsters are really cool, and I have a sword that shoots swords out of it. I don’t really know what I’m supposed to do but sometimes I’ll find people in caves or a bunch of monsters underground.

The music is a lot scarier when you’re underground so sometimes I don’t go in there if it’s close to bedtime. My favorite thing about this game is that the cartridge is gold, all of our other games are just regular.

#01: Super Mario Bros. 3

This is the best game we have for Nintendo. Me and my sisters can play two-player and I still get to pick which level I want to go to, and the old Mario game didn’t do that. I like that Mario can turn into a raccoon and a frog, and my favorite level is the one where everything is real big.

My sisters know where all the secrets are, so they showed me how to get the magic flute, and how to make Mario fall behind one of the big colored blocks in the first level. Mario looks really silly when he’s in that little shoe, but getting to that level is hard because the sun keeps killing us in the pyramid world. The big fish in the water level is named King Louie.

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Jordan Mallory

Jordan Mallory is a 10-year games industry veteran with more heart than sense. Lover of frogs and dedicated Girls' Generation S♥NE. Mr. August, Men of Game Development 2015.

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