Apex Legends is a good game. In fact, I’d call it pretty much the best battle royale game you can download right now (I did exactly that in my review not too long ago). But, despite all its many fascinating and redeeming qualities, there is one massive problem. The weapons of Apex Legends just have the worst names…
It’s a sea of pseudo-military acronyms that don’t actually mean anything. Honestly, though, they’re so forgettable that I’ve begun to find it endearing. I break out into giggles just thinking about the game’s goofy “heroes” (who honestly seem like a bunch of cosplayers running around with airsoft guns) making up generic, melodramatic gun names like “EVA-8 Auto.” I’ve been thinking about this so much, in fact, that I decided to rank every weapon in Apex Legends… according to how well I can remember their ridiculous names.
I literally cannot tell you which gun this is right now. I’ve got a second tab open in my browser with a list of every gun in the game. But in the 1.8 seconds it takes me to switch back to this article, every bit of information about the R-99 completely exits my head.
Now I’m honestly not even sure it’s a real gun in Apex Legends…
19. RE-45 Auto
I also can’t remember what this gun does, if it’s any good, or what it looks like. However, it has the word “Auto” right in the title. So I can draw some conclusions about it. I assume, for instance, that it… is an automatic weapon of some kind. And the name is just long enough that I remember reading it to myself seconds before passing it up for a Wingman, Peacekeeper, or other early-game favorite somewhere in Skull Town.
Now we’re getting somewhere. The Alternator is an honest-to-goodness, full-fledged word. I’m even pretty sure it’s a submachine gun!
I can tell you exactly which gun the Havoc is, because it was the first new weapon ever added to Apex Legends. However, it loses points for being just about the most generic word for any kind of weapon in the history of video games. If it were a game itself, it would be called “war” or “storm” or “zero” — basically anything a mid-tier publisher from the late 2000s included in the subtitle of all its Modern Warfare knockoffs.
16. R-301 Carbine
The R-301 Carbine isn’t much better than the RE-45. Any normal person would rank it much lower on this list. However, I’m one of those special, chosen people (all dozen of us) that played Titanfall 2, despite EA’s best efforts to bury it. And one of my favorite guns in that game was the R-201.
15. Kraber .50-Cal
I am very, very bad at sniping… Like, exceptionally bad. It’s not just an Apex Legends thing, either. Oh no! This is a chronic condition that has followed me from pretty much every shooter since Unreal Tournament 2004. I used to straight-up hand my little brother the controller whenever I needed to shoot someone more than 100 yards away in Warhawk (the PlayStation 3 one).
Which is exactly why I’ve gotten pretty darn good at saying “Kraber over here” to my much better teammates.
14. Longbow DMR
No, seriously. I’m extremely bad at sniping! The Longbow is much more common than the Kraber, however, so I get to dejectedly say its name into my microphone that much more often.
13. G7 Scout
So, so bad…
I like shotguns in Apex Legends. I don’t know that the legendary Mastiff makes me think of an actual dog, but it sure is a good boy. Yes it is! And just like any large, friendly pupper, I want this by my side whenever possible. So, sure. Mastiff. Why not?
11. EVA-8 Auto
The EVA-8 Auto might just be the pinnacle of “a bunch of numbers and letters” names in Apex Legends. Nothing about it evokes a single, solitary shred of useful information about the gun itself. Even the “Auto” part is largely pointless since firing the peashooter shotgun too quickly will launch your recoil into orbit.
That’s exactly why this gun stands out from the rest of its ilk. It’s so generic that I can’t help but chuckle every time I pick it up. Coming across the EVA-8 inspires the same kind of joyous, cackling schadenfreude as Marge Simpson crying “You got the dud!”
Speaking of peashooters, here’s the P2020. It is, once again, a random string of numbers and a single letter. It is also undeniably one of the worst weapons in the game.
And yet… its name just fits it so well! P2020. P2020! It’s so cute and harmless (like me anytime I try to actually kill someone with it).
9. VK-47 Flatline
The VK-47 lands just about in the middle of the pack. That’s appropriate for a gun that’s basically cosplaying as a real-world weapon known for safe, boring reliability. It’s even more appropriate for Apex Legends, since basically all the main characters are also playing pretend as bloodsport adventurers. This is Bangalore’s canonically favorite gun, is what I’m saying.
8. M600 Spitfire
Ah, the Spitfire! I honestly didn’t even remember that there was yet another string of useless digits in front of this LMG’s proper name. Why would I? Spitfire is such a strong, primal moniker on its own. It nails exactly what the gun does (shooting a lot of bullets super fast) and calls to mind a World War II battle engine drilling through the sky. It awakens that big, awful, twit inside of me that still thinks that kind of thing is cool…
7. Hemlok Burst AR
The Hemlok Burst AR is such an incredibly boring name for a sci-fi gun. It’s clearly named after a very deadly plant, but… spelled incorrectly. That’s how you can tell it’s from space. The “Burst” and “AR” parts, meanwhile, just tell you what the thing does. You might as well call it “the Hemlok Bullet Shooter-Outer.” It would get the same point across.
But “boring” isn’t necessarily the same thing as “forgettable.” I happen to like burst-fire weapons in shooters, and this is one of the best in Apex Legends. I committed its milquetoast name to memory — you know, just like you do with every 24-hour curry restaurant within walking distance from your apartment. In both cases, it’s simply a survival tactic.
The Devotion is the closest any Apex Legends weapon gets to poetic. It doesn’t really describe the gun itself, so much as the spiritual journey of trying to use the damn thing. It really does require true devotion to go game, after game, after game finding nothing but Turbocharger hop-ups, but not the gun itself. Yet you continue holding onto the mostly useless attachments anyway — wasting valuable inventory space and abandoning far more useful loot — just on the off-chance you actually pick up this energy LMG.
And, just like blind love for any material possession, devotion to the Devotion will eventually scorn you. Because you better believe the one time you get fed up with waiting for your 255 DPS darling — the one time you choose not to lug that Turbocharger across seven eliminations and half the map — is exactly the time it will come crawling back to you, hitching a ride on some dead Gibraltar with three stacks of Energy Ammo.
Devotion… doesn’t always go both ways.
5. Prowler Burst PDW
Every time I picture my futuristic, paramilitary superhero with a gun called “the Prowler” — stalking quietly and self-seriously through Apex Legends in search of 13-year-olds who will almost certainly kick their ass in an instant — I’m forced to think of Revolver Ocelot audibly meowing to the jungle Metal Gear Solid 3. Same energy.
4. Triple Take
I can’t help but think that a “Triple Take” is some kind of cleverly named sex position. Well, maybe I could help it. I just don’t want to.
I don’t know if “wingman” is generally considered a slimy turn of phrase these days. Personally, though, I can’t help but associate it with manipulative PUA tactics. That skin-crawling sensation I get from its name contrasts with what is otherwise an excellent Apex Legends weapon. And the juxtaposition really helps the thing stick out in my mind.
My father and I don’t always have a lot of common interests. Yet one thing we have always bonded over is a shared love of spaghetti westerns. The Peacekeeper is absolutely going for an “Old West” sorta vibe, too, and has the lumbering lever action to match — despite the fact that Apex Legends features literal laser guns. Together, these features make the Peacekeeper one of my most personally memorable firearms in the game.
It is an unfortunate quirk of the human condition that sometimes — oftentimes — our worst experiences are also our most memorable ones. The Mozambique is this existential absolute cocooned in the form of a digital Nerf gun.
It is the personification of realizing that cute somebody from three days ago was flirting with you, much too late to do anything about it. It is the manifestation of having a perfectly healthy, sociable night out with friends — only to suddenly wonder if you actually told your grandmother you loved her before she died. That is to say the Mozambique is, in a word, unforgettable…