Apex Legends Characters as Vanderpump Rules Stars

Vanderpump Rules is a Bravo reality show about a bunch of beautiful people pushing 35 working in a gaudy West Hollywood restaurant named Sur owned and operated by the ever-dressed-in-pink, dog-obsessed Lisa Vanderpump. Apex Legends is a battle royale video game about a bunch of weird people fighting in a sprawling battlefield called Kings Canyon owned and operated by Respawn Entertainment.

And because my brain is wired in a way that’s regrettable to all but my immediate family, I’ve taken some time to consider which Apex Legends characters fit the molds of specific folks from Vanderpump Rules.

Wraith as Kristen Doute

Prone to disappearing with no warning and reappearing to completely ruin your day, Wraith has a lot in common with Sur’s former server and full-time ne’er-do-well Kristen Doute. I also imagine Wraith owns books to appear that she likes books but only reads the novelty books she finds at Urban Outfitters. That’s a real mood, by the way. I respect it.

Wraith absolutely keeps score in her relationships with others. One time her best friend agreed to help her move a couch and then bailed at the last second. When that friend needed a ride to the airport, Wraith texted her three times saying “I’m stuck in traffic” while she was, in fact, binging Umbrella Academy.

The nice thing about both, though, is the unwavering defense of their friends — the ones on the good list, anyway.

Lifeline as Stassi Schroeder

Stassi lowkey has her shit together more than anyone else in the Vanderpump Rules cast. Lifeline strikes me as very much the same out of her Apex cohort. I’m also going to go out on a limb and guess that Lifeline got into combat medicine because she’s obsessed with death, much like her WeHo counterpart.

Lifeline, like Stassi, probably thinks she’s too good to be on essentially a mortal combat gameshow, but whatever, it’s a blast and the pay is good. Lifeline comes from a family of war profiteers (that’s a yikes from me!), according to her official bio. All I know about Stassi’s family is they’re from Louisiana and she has a precocious brother.

Also, Lifeline is completely skeptical of people who don’t take work off for their birthdays. Stassi would appreciate this as much as a murder-themed party.

Bloodhound as Brittany Cartwright

Bloodhound, like Brittany, has a complicated relationship with animals. They both love little animals but they both know how to field dress a buck. They probably both love Kentucky Beer Cheese, even though it’s probably called Frontier Corpo Cheese Product [Tangy] in the Titanfall universe.

I’m going to guess that Bloodhound gets their heart broken easily and often, which sucks because both Brittany and our masked friend seem perfectly nice. I know Bloodhound is rumored to be a “profoundly talented murderer” or whatever their official bio says, but I think it’s probably overblown.

I just know they both know how to use a knife. Well.

Caustic as Peter Madrigal

Peter is the fake dad of Vanderpump kids. He’s as gaseous as his Apex counterpart, Caustic. Caustic thinks because he passed his SAT prep he can call everyone “kiddo” even when he doesn’t know you like that. Caustic backed his way into success in the labs and my guess is Peter worked his way up the ladder just by seeming more competent than everyone else around him.

Essentially, Peter is one leather apron, Home Depot gas mask, and Jonathan Franzen novel away from being Caustic.

Mirage as Tom Sandoval

Let’s get the obvious out of the way first. Mirage is a talented bartender with amazing hair. Tom Sandoval is a talented bartender with amazing hair. Ezpz.

But also, Mirage and Sandoval both have written long Facebook posts defending the Mozambique and use “irregardless” in heated arguments. They both believe in vaccinations (of course) but have at least once said out loud “but what is the deal with the toxins?”

Mirage and Sandoval have notebooks full of “inventions” which are just scribblings that say things like “fix internet privacy for good.”

They’ll both make you a Moscow Mule but only if they have their homemade ginger syrup that actually tastes like Red Hots.

Pathfinder as Tom Schwartz

Both functionally useless but immediately way more likable than anyone else around, Pathfinder and Schwartz have a common bond stronger than a zipline. They both wear Transitions lenses.

Gibraltar as Lisa Vanderpump

Gibraltar is the real dad of the Apex crew. Gibraltar is the kind of guy who’ll let all of his friends borrow money, never expect a return, never get a return, and open their wallets all over again when they come back. He’s just a good guy. Lisa Vanderpump, like our defense-minded friend, protects her kids and gives them so many second chances you begin to wonder if she literally doesn’t understand cause and effect.

The similarities continue, but frankly it’s an incomplete match until Gibraltar has a full pearl pink armor skin up for grabs.

Bangalore as Jax Taylor

Bangalore has never heard of sex and Jax Taylor is apparently a full-on sex maniac. Despite this key difference, I think Vanderpump‘s resident fuckup still has a lot in common with Apex‘s mega-serious commando cosplayer. Neither one of them, in their entire lives, have been funny on purpose.

Bangalore and Jax both pour non-fat milk on plain Cheerios. Bangalore and Jax have never checked their credit scores. Bangalore and Jax have the same Imagine Dragons Jimmy Fallon performance saved on DVR. Bangalore and Jax have both burned a can of condensed soup.

Honestly, I’m not even sure Jax has heard of sex, either.

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John Warren

I miss Texas sometimes. Wheelchair person. Professional wrestling is humanity's greatest achievement. He/his, y'all.

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