Pokemon are mysterious, wonderful creatures aimed at fans of all ages. That’s probably why it’s so fun to put them in the most inappropriate real-world contexts imaginable. With the sweeping legalization of marijuana across the country, however, a list of Pokemon that are absolutely, 100 percent high at this very moment isn’t quite as controversial as it once might have been. It’s also a good reason to remind everyone that thousands of predominantly black men remain in prison in the U.S. for possessing it. That, unlike Pokemon, sucks!
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I should also add that this list was made with very, very little knowledge of the actual Pokemon being depicted. I loved Pokemon growing up! I loved it so much that, in second grade, I cut out pictures from Pokemon-branded Lunchables and made posters out of them. I taped them up all around the school, because I was sad when Brock left Ash and Misty, and turned the posters into a sort of… deathless eulogy for this fictional character.
However, I haven’t played much Pokemon since Gold and Silver. Most of the new species are unknown to me! That’s why I asked my coworker Merritt for a list of Pokemon she thinks look high. After which I used the magic of Google Image Search to make my best guess about the personalities of each of them. I think I did a pretty fair and accurate job. And with that out of the way: on to the list!
Gloom is beyond all help, unless you turn her over on her side so she doesn’t die like Krysten Ritter in Breaking Bad. Her friends are always happy (and careful) to oblige, because Gloom is actually super nice, when she’s vertical. On the plus side, this also means Gloom is beyond all material needs — besides the one that brought her to this waking-up-in-the-campus-morgue-as-a-prank-because-your-roommate’s-brother-is-an-anatomy-major-and-gave-a-key-to-your-awful-friends level of absolutely annihilated. It made a cool story, though.
Slowbro, how did you get so slow, bro? The answer is… weed. If you think there was a more intricate joke there, I am sorry to disappoint you. I committed to writing at least five of these entries and the human mind can only produce so many jokes in its lifetime before the humor cortex runs out of juice. I must savor the few remaining good gags afforded to my nearly-30-year-old brain before it atrophies completely. Besides it’s just too easy to pass up! Even I, a child of the D.A.R.E. generation, knew that Slowpoke and Slowbroke were blitzed out of their gawping gourds back when I was playing Red and Blue.
Hahaha! What’s up, guys? It’s me, Whismur. I’m good! I’m good. How about yourself? Ha, that’s great to hear. I’m so glad you’re having fun. Hey, while I’ve got you here, have you seen my eyes? What? No, no, no. I’m doing fine. I just can’t find my eyes, you know? I realized I’ve never actually seen them. I can look in the mirror, right? We can all look in the mirror, but that’s just a reflection — an illusion based on a real thing. When I look at my reflection, I’m not actually looking at my eyes, but the light reflecting off a polished surface and back into my eyes. That means I must have them, but I’ve never actually seen them. Can you see them? Look at me and tell me you can see my eyes. Great! That’s all I needed. Hey, have a great rest of your night.
Gulpin, despite its green complexion, is a marijuana baby. Don’t get me wrong! He is extremely kind. Gulpin is entirely incapable of hate of any kind, no matter what state of mind he’s developed. But he cannot for the life of him pass a blunt. He’s too busy passing out from the trace amounts of cannabis he absorbed through his fingertips. But he still wants to participate. And it’s that kind of misplaced determination that makes his friends respect him so much.
Wailmer is just trying to keep his shit together, man. He knows that if he just keeps smiling, that nobody will know anything is wrong. He’s cool. You’re cool. We’re all cool, dude! So let’s all just stand very still for a little bit until the world stops spinning. Is that alright with you? Cool, man. Cool.
Nobody has ever actually seen Croagunk in the act of getting high. He’s not technically supposed to. Sure, he’ll sell you just about anything you need, down on the corner by the KFC that’s also a Taco Bell. And he’s cool enough to be around — most of the time — but he’s a completely different person when he gets high himself. One time he saw you walking home, past the corner by the KFC that’s also a Taco Bell, and he followed you the whole way. There was nothing menacing about it, exactly. You both talked about Marvel movies the whole way.
But you don’t normally hang out like that, or at all. And now he knows where you live anyway.
There is nothing left on this green, green Earth that Oranguru hasn’t already smoked into atoms. Whatever new strain you think you’re about to introduce him to is just a redo of something he burned to extinction in 1973. Nobody knows how old that makes him, either. Everybody who once did passed away before him. Mega- and micro-doses of THC over the decades have made his body incredibly powerful — a trait he primarily uses to headbutt Nazis that try to worm their way into the local punk scene. His one fatal weakness, however, is that nothing he sees will ever compare to the visions he had in a fugue state an undisclosed number of years ago.
We’ve come to the wannabe Tommy Chong of the group. Galarian Meowth is, I believe, also the most recent addition to the Pokemon roster on this list. Yet he looks like he’s been bathing in his own juices for far, far longer. I should specify that I know about as much about Tommy Chong himself as I do about any Pokémon created between 2001 and 2016. He seems nice enough!
So is Galarian Meowth, I bet. Although he uses the stoner lifestyle as a backdoor excuse not to exercise proper hygiene. I bet Tommy Chong bathes regularly and smells fine (most of the time). I bet that Galarian Meowth does not. And despite his easygoing nature, nobody wants to be around him as a result.
I had the same reaction to Espurr that many people did to Galarian Meowth: What the fuck? Is that a fucking cat? Its large eyes and petite frame are obviously meant to make it look “creepy cute” — so I assume it’s a Ghost or Psychic type. If this little creature is tripping, it’s not because it ingested drugs. It’s because Espurr is the first species biologically capable of drilling a hole in its head to get permanently high. Now it’s trying to project that psychoactive effect out of its eyes and into my brain through the internet (an effect which I have decided to call “high beams”). I think its heart is in the right place, though. It just wants us all to have what it has!
This has been my 100 percent definitive list of every Pokemon that absolutely does drugs on the regular. I will not be taking any questions, but please let me know if you think a specific Pokemon gets high in the comments below. Thank you, brave warriors.