Since we’ve all been spending a lot of time stuck inside with whomever we live with lately, I’ve been contemplating what makes a good housemate. Neat, responsible, able to give others space, fun — these are good qualities for sharing a living space with other humans. I’ve also been replaying the Dark Souls games during quarantine and jeez, some of these bosses are really messy people! Pick up your dishes, Twin Dragonriders!
We’ve all had gross, messy roommates much like we’ve all fought gross messy video game villains. I’ve definitely lived with the roommate equivalent of the Butcher from Diablo: someone who never showers, leaves their stuff (or corpses) everywhere and leaves food (corpses?) out to rot, attracting ants. But evil doesn’t have to mean hard to live with. Here are seven video game villains who would make good, respectful roommates, if you can look past the megalomania and homicidal tendencies.
1. Doctor Eggman (Sonic the Hedgehog)
Looking at Eggman’s laboratories and factories, it’s easy to see he is an extremely organized, methodical person. He’ll schedule the house meetings, make the chore wheel and build the next generation of vacuum robots to make it all easier. It’s worth putting up with the weird eggy smell to have a housemate who will invent a robot to mow the lawn for you.
2. Andrew Ryan (BioShock)
He might be a slightly unhinged megalomaniac, but dude has enough money and energy to build an underwater city. He loves gadgets and fixing things, including, y’know, human nature. Sure, you’ll have to listen to him go on and on about “parasites” but you’ll be able to use his fancy appliances like an air fryer and an elaborate gas grill. His obsession with perfection and his hands-on attitude means when something in the house breaks, he won’t wait for the maintenance guy to fix it, he’ll do it himself.
3. Psycho Mantis (Metal Gear Solid)
Psycho Mantis’ psychic powers let him know when you don’t feel like talking or just want to be left alone. That and optic camouflage mean that living with him is basically like living by yourself, which is what we all really want anyway, right?
4. Dracula (Castlevania)
If watching What We Do In The Shadows has taught me anything, it’s that living with vampires is basically like living with a bumbling, well-intentioned if somewhat messy pansexual polycule. Sounds fun. We know from the games that Dracula is a complex villain who loves his kid and various wives; he seems like a really nice guy who had a lot of bad luck and is doing his best. All in all, a good person to share a home with. Give him a chance! Just make sure he keeps his roast chickens in the fridge and not hidden in the walls.
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5. Loghain Mac Tir (Dragon Age)
Loghain married the woman who yelled at him for letting his castle go to shit. Now that’s a man who will actually listen when you tell him it’s his turn to do the dishes. He’s refreshingly focused and down to earth for a villain, encouraging others to focus on the reality of the situation. Loghain is another person who will keep everyone accountable to the chore wheel and he’s responsible enough to talk to the property management company about your damage deposit.
6. Poison Ivy (Arkham Asylum)
Love the idea of being a plant parent but lack a green thumb? Who better to live with then than someone who knows everything about vegetation? Sure, she may have a flexible definition of morality and might get a little tetchy if your cat gnaws on some leaves, but everyone wants to live in a house filled with beautiful monsteras, orchids and succulents, right? Ivy will take care of them, and remember to water the garden you started in the spring and promptly forgot about.
7. Micolash, Host of the Nightmare (Bloodborne)
It’s hard to want to exercise in normal circumstances, but being housebound makes it even harder. Who better to have as a personal trainer than a roommate? You don’t even have to pay Micolash, but he’ll have you running up and down the stairs day and night, getting that cardio in! He’ll be super encouraging too, constantly hyping you up with cries of “No one can catch us! No one can stop us now!” He’s flamboyant, super cheery and loves books; all around seems like a decent dude to live with.