It’s all but confirmed that Overwatch is coming to Nintendo Switch. It’s really a no-brainer. Activision-Blizzard executives love money, and Switch ports make money. And while Overwatch and Blizzard as a whole seem… shaky, right now, there’s still gold in them there port mines! Plus a fairly legitimate-looking accessory listing heavily implies Overwatch is coming to the Switch sooner rather than later. But no good Switch port is complete without bizarre, borderline inappropriate Nintendo skins! Bayonetta and Skyrim can attest to that. So here’s our list of Nintendo skins in Overwatch that will absolutely, 100 percent turn out to be real.
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1. Donkey Kong Winston
“He’s the leader of the bunch, you know him well
He brought the team back to kick some tail
His lightning gun can fire in spurts
If he shoots ya, it’s gonna hurt!”
I’m starting with this one because it’s totally cheating. D.K. Winston is such a no-brainer that I just wrote the entire next entry on this list with my other hand. That said: Winston with a little red tie sounds amazing. I’m a little less certain how Blizzard will depict this gorilla in almost total nudity… His yeti skin kinda gets there, but is physiologically different enough from his usual body that I don’t think it counts. A Donkey Kong skin for Winston will show us what the Overwatch character truly looks like in the buff. That’s not including the aforementioned tie, or the horrific bolt-on lips and eyebrows they’ll need to include, of course.
2. Tracer the Hedgehog
Sonic the Hedgehog is a Smash Brother, so that makes him a Nintendo character now. I don’t make the rules; I just enforce them with an iron fist in bad lists about video games. Naturally, since Tracer has super-speed, she fits this character’s mold quite nicely. The only question becomes which interpretation will become the canonical one. For inspiration for this list, I googled “Sonic Tracer fan art,” and found various versions. The most common of which seems to be Tracer as a Sonic-style animal character.
I can definitely see Blizzard embracing full furry fervor. They already got foot fetishes out of the way, after all. But maybe they’re saving this one for an entirely new character! If that’s the case, Tracer running around in a Halloween store Sonic the Hedgehog costume would be very funny.
3. Samus “D.Va” Aran
D.Va is literally just Samus already — blue Zero Suit and all — so this is another easy one. Blizzard basically just has to paint her mech orange and red and we’re golden. Er, not literally golden… You get the idea! For bonus cool points, it would be nice if D.Va’s cannons expanded and glowed like Samus’ from Metroid Prime. Unfortunately, this would probably delay the Overwatch port by another two years, as Nintendo somehow took Blizzard off the company’s own project and gave it to another studio.
4. Magikoopa Moira
The drooping robe; a tendency to launch magic shit all over the place; fashionable eye-wear. It can only be Magikoopa Moira: the only way to represent Overwatch‘s six-foot sensation in a Nintendo game. This is another skin that absolutely demands unique effects. Moira’s floating balls of health and harm ought to change into Magikoopa spell shapes (triangles, circles, and squares). The only downside is that the Magikoopa doesn’t have much in the way of fashion. Its blue gown is as formless and shapeless as they come, leaving very little filigree and dazzle to play with. Maybe rate this one as a lower rarity skin, to compensate.
5. + 6. Waluigi Junkrat & Wario Roadhog
These two gay bad guy duos already cut identical silhouettes and have a shared love of being garbage. It’s a match made in heaven (even more-so than the lovers themselves)! Naturally, Roadhog would need to keep some form of mask, though. That leaves us with two options. Either we stick a Wario cap on top and strap a fake, frizzly mustache to the front, or he wears a blank, emotionless rubber mask made to look like Wario himself — like those dead president masks in Point Break. That has a deeply cursed energy I think the real Wario would enjoy.
As for Junkrat? His move set is perfect for a Mushroom Kingdom inspired makeover. His grenades can be bob-oms. His bear trap can be a big chain chomp. His mines could perhaps be actual mushrooms, of some sort, but donut or music blocks would also work. The mines are meant to bounce you around, after all.
This is also the closest thing Smash Ultimate players will ever get to playing as Waluigi. It’ll be the first and only game where Waluigi is finally allowed to embrace his true nature… and kill. That alone is worth paying another $60 USD (and you better believe Overwatch on Switch will be full-price).
7. Shy Guy Reaper
Hey Nintendo? Hey Blizzard? Make this happen. Make it happen in like six different colors that I can choose from. The idea of Blizzard’s biggest edgelord being reduce to Nintendo’s biggest introvert is just too good to pass up. Deep down, we totally know that both of these characters are basically just itching to switch roles anyway. Reaper definitely needs a new, nicer mask to display the softer side that he buried deep down in his heart after betraying the team. And Shy Guys would absolutely go ape shit if introduced to the concept of firearms. If the Overwatch port to Switch ever leads to a full Mario + Rabbids style crossover, this will absolutely be a character, too.