The Entertainment Software Rating Board’s preliminary assessment of the hotly-anticipated Cyberpunk 2077 has revealed one very important fact about the game — it features “various sizes and combinations of genitals.” Now, we don’t know exactly what that means, but given that the game is set in a world of cyberphantasy, I have to imagine there will be all kinds of permutations of sockets, plugs, spikes, and valves for cybersexing with the game’s cast of characters.
But choice can be paralyzing. Character creation in modern games is bad enough in this respect as it is — introducing genital customization into the mix is going to easily double the amount of time the average player spends working on their character before actually getting to play the game. And so, to take some of the thought out of the equation, here are 69 concepts to choose from when the game releases later this year.
1. A Gun
Sacrifice your ability to interface sexually for additional firepower. Gone are the days of being knocked out and finding yourself unarmed in a dingy cell. With a gun down there, you’ll always be ready for the mean streets of 2077.
2. Robot Dick
It’s shiny and metal and raises some troubling existential questions about consciousness, rights, and the law.
3. Smooth Like a Ken Doll
Experience minimal wind resistance and become immune to junk shots.
4. A USB Port
Or whatever version of USB they’re on in 2077. You’ll never have to worry about finding somewhere to charge your phone again.
5. Liquid Metal Like the T-1000
Perfectly adapts to your partner’s preferences!
6. Flag That Pops Out and Says “BANG!” On It
A classic bit guaranteed to surprise and delight your lovers.
7. An Atari CX40 Joystick
Play with yourself.
8. The Cave of Wonders
Where Aladdin goes to find the lamp. Talking tiger optional.
9. Removable Fleshlight
Just toss it in the sink for cleanup!
10. A Banana
A tasty, healthy snack!
11. Keanu Reeves’ Face
Yells at you to wake up in the morning.
12. QR Code Scanner
Will we still be using QR codes in 2077? God, I hope not.
13. Two Dicks
Twice the fun!
14. Three Dicks
Wisdom, Courage, Power.
15. Four Dicks??
No, that’s ridiculous.
16. Finger Trap
Because how funny would that be?
17. Teeth
A classic for a reason.
18. The Zybourne Clock
“This, my darling, is a device. A device many men and many women have died to see, to understand, and to own. In many ways it is like one of your toys, but a toy for adults. This, darling, is The Zybourne Clock.”
19. Door to Narnia
Grant your partner the experience of countless hours of pleasure in the span of only a few minutes.
20. Snakes
Why’d it have to be snakes?
21. Holo-Vagina
The futuristic equivalent of Wile E Coyote painting a tunnel on the side of a cliff.
22. Upside Down Vagina
Zag on ’em.
23. The Number 23
Celebrate the 70th anniversary of the Jim Carrey thriller.
24. Dick and Four Balls, Like the Krogan From Mass Effect
I just don’t think people talk about the fact that they canonically have four balls enough.
25. A Nuclear Bomb
You can only nut once, but it’s going to be spectacular.
26. Constantly Randomizing Junk
Essentially like you’re constantly hitting the randomize button in the character creator, but only for your genitals.
27. A Beautiful Floral Arrangement
It’s just nice.
28. Vacuum Cleaner
Apply extra suction during the sex act and tidy up afterwards with one convenient package!
29. Chainsword
It’s like a chainsaw, but a sword. You know, from Warhammer. Looks cool, but rules out sex and also wearing pants.
30. Laser Pointer
Helpful for office presentations and confusing housecats.
31. Screen Displaying Twitter Discourse About Genitals in Cyberpunk 2077
Is it good? Is it bad? All I know is that it’s deathly important that we talk about it.
32. Hartung Game Master
It’s no Game Boy, but it’s certainly a conversation piece.
33. Whipped Cream Dispenser
Useful both for food play in the bedroom and inhaling nitrous oxide. The latter might be tough for you to do yourself, unless you’re especially flexible.
34. A Series of Smaller Dicks That Form a Larger Dick Voltron to Deal With Especially Intense Sexual Scenarios
Only downside: long transformation sequence.
35. Normal Genitals But With a Camera There
See all the action!
36. Can of Nuts But When You Open it a Spring Snake Shoots Out
See number 6, above.
37. A Nintendo Switch Joycon With Upward Drift
57 years later, they still can’t get it right.
38. Proboscis
“An extensible tubular sucking organ.” Nice.
39. A Mass of Decoy Dicks Concealing Your True, Flesh Dick
Because in the grimy cyberdarkness of the future, you can never be too careful.
40. Three Doors
Behind two are goats. Behind one is a car. Your lover picks one, then before opening it you open another revealing a goat. Do they stick with their first choice or change to the other one?
41. The Great Masturbator
You know, the Dalí painting. Ironic or just a bad decision? You decide.
42. Cloning Chamber Which Produces Miniature Versions of Yourself Which Then Assist You in Pleasuring Your Partner(s)
Also, they die a couple of hours after they’re created.
43. Just Balls
Somebody must be into this, right?
44. Gold-Plated
For the Austin Powers fan who also demands the absolute best in signal quality.
45. The Entire Discography of Hole
Almost a joke.
46. An Allen Wrench
You can never find one when you need one. Problem solved.
47. Statuette of William Morris
“Have nothing in your houses that you do not know to be useful, or believe to be beautiful.”
48. A Geoduck
Have you seen these things? They’re upsetting.
49. Collection of Gears and Gauges
Inject some steam into your cyberpunk experience.
50. A Beak
Like a bird or a squid, up to you.
51. Copy of Simone de Beauvoir’s The Second Sex
“Art, literature, and philosophy are attempts to found the world anew on a human freedom: that of the creator; to foster such an aim, one must first unequivocally posit oneself as a freedom. The restrictions that education and custom impose on a woman limit her grasp of the universe…Indeed, for one to become a creator, it is not enough to be cultivated, that is, to make going to shows and meeting people part of one’s life; culture must be apprehended through the free movement of a transcendence; the spirit with all its riches must project itself in an empty sky that is its to fill; but if a thousand fine bonds tie it to the earth, its surge is broken. The girl today can certainly go out alone, stroll in the Tuileries; but I have already said how hostile the street is: eyes everywhere, hands waiting: if she wanders absentmindedly, her thoughts elsewhere, if she lights a cigarette in a cafe, if she goes to the cinema alone, an unpleasant incident can quickly occur; she must inspire respect by the way she dresses and behaves: this concern rivets her to the ground and self. “Her wings are clipped.” At eighteen, T.E. Lawrence went on a grand tour through France by bicycle; a young girl would never be permitted to take on such an adventure…Yet such experiences have an inestimable impact: this is how an individual in the headiness of freedom and discovery learns to look at the entire world as his fief…[The girl] may feel alone within the world: she never stands up in front of it, unique and sovereign.”
52. Miniature Rocket Ship
We have liftoff.
53. That Droid That Shoots Out of the Door to Jabba’s Palace in Return of the Jedi
Remember him? He looks like a little eyeball and makes rude noises.
54. Did I Say Lasers Already
Just checked and yes.
55. Like a Hole But a Cyber Hole Or Something
You know?
56. This Was a Mistake
What am I doing with my life?
57. Wait No I’ve Rallied
Second wind, here we go.
58. A Crystal Skull
Crafted by the Atlanteans and a powerful center of healing.
59. Just a Lot of Hair
Like, a lot.
60. Mandibles
Not sure what these would be useful for but you can probably find someone who’s down for it.
61. A Dick With the Balls on Top
Just kind of an amusing image.
62. The Garbage Crusher From Star Wars
Make “time for your 4 PM dick flattening” literal.
63. The Inside of a Sea Turtle’s Throat
Just look it up.
64. Everything the Character Creator Will Let You Throw On There
Take this thing straight to the Cronenbergian edge of reason. Don’t stop until the game stops you.
65. A Turnip From Animal Crossing
People seem to really like these things.
66. Two Guns
Twice as cool as one gun.
67. 2077 Dicks
You’re probably going to run into some frame rate issues as the physics engine struggles to render 2077 discrete members all constantly smacking against each other, but such is the price of a great joke.
68. A Second Instance of Cyberpunk 2077
Why not just have the game running a copy of itself down there? And what are your genitals going to be in that version of the game? It’s Cyberpunk 2077 all the way down, baby.
69. A Normal Human Dick
Sure, I guess.
