Everything seemed like it was going so well with Princess Rosalina. Why isn’t she returning my calls?
Maybe She’s Busy Running the Universe
She is the princess of the entire cosmos, and since princesses are the highest known authority figure in the Mario universe, her days are probably pretty hectic. Her plate is perpetually full, I’m sure — she’s probably balancing a koopa uprising on one planet, a Shy Guy civil war on another, while also working with Mayor Pauline to solve the homelessness crisis in New Donk City.
I bet she keeps looking at her phone, seeing my missed call, and sighing wistfully to herself as another luma enters her office with a stack of papers.
Maybe Reception Is Bad in Space
It’s also possible that she just straight up has no signal out there in space. It’s pretty foolish of me to assume that all of space works on the same kind of satellite network that Earth telecommunications rely on, she may not even know that I’ve been trying to get in touch with her. She could be thinking the exact same thing I am now — “Why hasn’t List Prince Jordan called? I thought things were going so well …”
Maybe Bowser Paid off a Luma to Add Me to Rosalina’s Block List
Dissent always exists in the ranks of a monarchy, even when a leader as kind and generous as Princess Rosalina is at the helm. It’s not impossible that one of her luma, seeing themselves as the true leader of the universe, would accept an offer from Bowser to add me to the list of blocked numbers on Rosalina’s phone. Bowser hated the Spotify gift card I got him for Christmas and said that he’d make me pay — is this what he meant? Have the Koopa Troopas learned the art of cyber-warfare?
Maybe Something Terrible Happened to Her
Do not even think such things, brain! She is a powerful ruler, yes, and there are undoubtedly many who want her dead, but to assume such a dark fate for my beloved Princess Rosalina — to even consider something so horrible — I will not even entertain such ideas.
Maybe She Hates You
Great, thanks brain. Thanks for this thought that will hang out in the back of my head, gently reminding me that it is the truest truth, regardless of any evidence presented to the contrary. She definitely hates me and hopes that she never sees me again, even though we had a great time at the Drafthouse last weekend, even though she texted me right afterwards with a heart AND sparkle emoji, even though she told me that she’d be on a diplomatic tennis retreat for a couple weeks and to not worry if I don’t hear from her for a little bit.
Maybe She’s on a Diplomatic Tennis Retreat and Told You About It Ahead of Time for This Exact Reason
Y’all ever uh, y’all ever forget that the woman you’re seeing told you she was gonna be out of town, and then leave her like 14 voicemails of escalating desperation?