So today Bethesda accidentally doxxed a bunch of Fallout 76 players by exposing its internal customer support tools to users who submitted help request tickets. This allowed people that submitted tickets — most of which appear to have been related to the nylon collector’s edition bag — to view the real names, phone numbers, addresses, and some credit card information for other players who had also submitted tickets.
This caps off a trying launch for the latest entry in a beloved franchise, which garnered lukewarm critical response and a somewhat less favorable public reaction. At this point, how could this situation get worse? I’ve made up some scenarios that, while impossible, seem less improbable with each passing day. Please enjoy these headlines from another universe:
Bethesda Launcher Secretly Mining New Cryptocurrency, ‘Bethesdollars’
Bethesda today confirmed rumors that its PC client has been secretly mining a new form of cryptocurrency, which it calls “Bethesdollars,” or “Beth Bux.” In the statement, Bethesda said that the existence of Bethesdollars was meant to be “a surprise,” and that the mined coins were intended as recompense for ongoing issues with Fallout 76‘s spiritual infestation problems.
The unauthorized use of users’ hardware was initially discovered after widespread complaints of unusually high CPU and GPU load caused by Bethesda’s launcher, which is required to play Fallout 76. Users on Reddit then uncovered background processes similar to those utilized by cryptocurrency mining software, after which an increasingly fevered outcry forced Bethesda’s hand to make today’s statement. Bethesda has given no indication that mining would cease on any of the affected systems.
Fallout 76 Users Involuntarily Registered as Organ Donors
Bethesda’s user database, which has suffered from deep permissions issues in the past, was today confirmed to have been erroneously transplanted into the Maryland organ donor registry, violating the sovereign rights of each user.
Bethesda, in a statement on Fallout 76‘s official Twitter account, said that the error has been resolved, and that it was committed to replacing all of the affected organs with new, unregistered organs.
Latest Fallout 76 Patch Automatically Enlists Users in United States Military
Might want to hold off on installing that new Fallout 76 patch, as rumors are coming in from Reddit and elsewhere that the new update automatically enlists the user in a random branch of the US armed forces.
A statement issued by the United States military said that, while it had no part in Bethesda’s efforts to bolster waning recruitment numbers, it was prepared to welcome all new enlistees. “All applications received through Fallout 76 have been reviewed and are legally binding,” according to the statement.
Bethesda did not respond to a request for comment.
Voluntary Recall Issued for Replacement Fallout 76 Bags Made of Human Skin
Bethesda has issued a voluntary recall for its latest round of collector’s edition bags, which were revealed to be made of human skin, rather than canvas, as was originally promised. This is the second time Bethesda has had to offer replacements for the bag, which was shown in advertisements for Fallout 76‘s $200 collector’s edition as being made of canvas, but was actually made of nylon.
The decision to utilize Bethesda’s large backstock of human skin was made after the company continued to encounter issues with securing enough canvas to meet demand, according to today’s statement.
Unfortunately for Bethesda, everyone that received one of the replacement bags has skin of their own, and were able to quickly identify the material as not being the promised canvas. Bethesda has said that it regrets its failures in communicating the change to players who purchased the $200 collector’s edition.
Fallout 76 Users Launch Actual Nuclear Warhead in West Virginia
WEST VIRGINIA — Hundreds of thousands are dead after an error in Bethesda’s networking software caused nuclear launch codes entered in Fallout 76 to be routed to an actual nuclear warhead located in West Virginia, resulting in the successful launch and detonation of a nuclear missile on American soil.
On Twitter, President Trump called the catastrophic incident “really awful,” adding that he was “not a fan” of the largest loss of civilian life in United States history. In a follow-up tweet, the president pledged to force West Virginia to fund the construction of a wall around the detonation site.
The White House has reportedly dispatched top cybersecurity advisor Rudy Giuliani to assess the seemingly impossible breach of both network protocol and established nuclear launch procedure. This post will be updated as the story develops.
Bethesda ‘Regrets’ Clause in Fallout 76 EULA That Pledges Fealty to Dumuzid, God of Shepherds
Bethesda has issued a statement regarding a controversial clause in Fallout 76‘s End User License Agreement, which states that by agreeing to the document, the user pledges utmost fealty to Dumuzid, the ancient Sumerian god of Shepherds.
“We deeply regret the inclusion of what people are calling ‘the Dumuzid clause’ in Fallout 76‘s End User License Agreement,” Bethesda said today on Twitter. “In seeking prosperity for the harvest, we did not consider that some users may take issue with pledging themselves to Dumuzid, god of Shepherds, Consort of Inanna, Brother of Geshtinanna.”
“Players who wish to opt out of this clause in the EULA can do so by submitting a support ticket through our website.”