For PlayerUnknown’s Battlegrounds players, it’s always time for a chicken dinner — breakfast, lunch, and, well, dinner. And if you’re lucky, maybe it’s a midnight snack. What I’m trying to say is, PUBG players know a mean, home cooked meal.
There are many ways to enjoy a chicken dinner — the most obvious of which, for PUBG players, is being the last player standing in a match. But chicken dinners are, in fact, something you can enjoy in real life, too. It’s true! To keep things on-brand, you’ll want to use a cast-iron pan. Rusted cast-iron pans can be found all over every PUBG maps. And the game’s version of the pan can kill an enemy in just a few hits. It’s even usable as a shield! Of course, the in-game description has a warning: not for cooking. But it doesn’t say anything about any of the item’s out-of-game replicas!
There are a few ways you can get your own PUBG frying pan. You can get a one-to-one recreation of the cast-iron pan, made out of foam (although we wouldn’t recommend that for cooking). Or you can purchase a teeny, tiny PUBG frying pan keychain — which, I’ve found out, isn’t especially great for cooking either. But never mind that, because these are the top five things you can cook in your very own tiny PUBG frying pan — most of which have been tested by me, a professional. (We’ll get to why they haven’t all been tested later. By the way, don’t actually try this at home…)
5. A Fried Quail Egg
There are a very few foods naturally small enough to fit in your tiny PUBG frying pan. A quail egg is one of them. A regular-sized egg would absolutely runneth over the edges. In fact, the quail egg is almost too large, too, but I made do!
Cooking a quail egg is much like handling regular ones. Heat up your frying pan, and while you’re waiting, crack the egg into a tiny bowl. The yolk fits into the tiny PUBG frying pan just fine, but the white stuff — it’s called the albumen — will absolutely spill over.
Meanwhile, your cooking time will vary based on your heating element. If you’re dumb, like me, you’ll heat your tiny PUBG frying pan over a stove with gas range flames. A match or candle may be safer. (Again, we’ll get to that soon, but if you can’t wait, skip ahead to steak.)
So what do you do with a tiny fried egg? Put it on a tiny croque madame, like Chowhound suggests!
4. A Baby Dutch Baby
There is nothing better to make in a cast-iron pan than a Dutch Baby. For the uninitiated, a Dutch Baby is an impressive, fluffy pancake that rises then falls to create a dramatic shape. Get your tiny mixing bowl and miniature stirring spoon, first, ‘cause we’re mixing eggs, flour, milk, sugar, and nutmeg. (Should you make a normal-sized recipe, you’ll need an arsenal of tiny PUBG frying pans to do this in any reasonable amount of time.) Pour the batter into the heated pan with melted butter and pop it into the oven while praying your tiny PUBG frying pan, or legion of pans, don’t melt in there.
A regular-sized Dutch Baby takes about 25 minutes to cook. The tiny Dutch Baby took seven-or-so, by my test. Big babies are impressive enough; the sides of the pancake rise dramatically while the center falls, creating a bowl-like shape made out of dough. So a tiny one? Now that’s special. I ate it in one bite!
3. A Petite Steak
The scientifically agreed-upon second best thing to cook in a cast-iron pan is steak. You won’t be able to buy an appropriately sized steak for this endeavor at the grocery store, though. No, you’ll have to ask your butcher for a very special cut. You may be embarrassed. That’s normal and frankly unavoidable. But you can do it! I believe in your ability to ask a relative stranger for a microscopic piece of novelty meat!
Specifically, you want a steak that’s under an inch in size. I mean, I said petite, didn’t I? If you’re feeling fancy, wash your tiny spoon from the Dutch Baby recipe and use it to spoon tiny amounts of melted butter over your steak. Un petit arroser. As a side dish, I recommend frying a single Brussels sprout.
Here’s the very important thing, though. Definitely don’t drop your tiny PUBG frying pan into the open flames. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to verify what material the frying pan is actually made of. But apparently it’s not truly cast-iron. Because when my tiny PUBG frying pan slipped from my tongs and into the fire, right about the time I started cooking this steak, the patina started to bubble and melt. Then the handle fell off… (The only thing harmed in this incident was the tiny PUBG frying pan, but seriously, don’t try to recreate my experiments at home.)
Needless to say, the steak didn’t turn out great. But hey! Now my battle damaged pan looks like it’s straight from the game.
2. A Few Macs-and-Cheese
You may have noticed the awkward phrasing of this section. “A few macs-and-cheese.” Given our space limitations using the tiny PUBG frying pan, you can really only fit a few macaronis into your pan. Macaroni isn’t easy to make from scratch — so it’s perfectly okay to use store-bought pasta for this recipe, too. Once your pasta is cooked (which should only take a few minutes since there’s, at max, like five of them) you can make your cheese sauce!
Use Velveeta cheese — unless you’re a monster — combined with butter and cream. Remember, use tiny pieces or you’ll overflow the pan. Add your macaronis and stir using your tiny spoon. Repeat until you’ve used all your Velveeta cheese.
Because of the steak incident, I wasn’t able to test out macaroni-and-cheese in the tiny PUBG frying pan. Instead, I made macaroni-and-cheese in a real cast iron pan. It was not small, but it was delicious. Thank you for asking.
1. A Chicken Dinner
The most obvious choice for your tiny PUBG frying pan is, of course, the chicken dinner. Thanks to YouTube channel Miniature Cusina, we have instructions on how to make chicken mushroom pasta, which actually uses a tiny PUBG frying pan in the video. It’s so cute! Now I want a tiny stove! And a tiny pepper grinder!
Miniature Cusina’s chicken mushroom pasta does use a lot of ingredients: chicken, mushrooms, garlic, pasta, celery, green onions, cream, tomato sauce… It’s a heckuva lot of work for a single bite that our monster bodies may not even recognize as a true meal. A lot of the process that goes into making the food in the video tiny is performed off-screen, too, so I have some questions. Do you need a tiny knife? How do your large hands operate it?
I may not have all the answers, but please don’t let this stop you from trying. Let the fact that this whole process was probably pretty dangerous stop you, instead. We all deserve a chicken dinner, every now and then. But I can now say from experience that there are easier ways to get one.