The 2019 Electronic Entertainment Expo
blood letting festivities unofficially kick off this weekend, with Microsoft and Bethesda’s respective press conferences taking place this Sunday, June 9. Ubisoft, Square Enix, and Nintendo will follow suit over the next couple of days, and even though Sony isn’t technically at E3 this year, we’re sure it’ll have something to say next week.
This close to the show, we’ve got a pretty good idea of what each of the major players will be showcasing. Microsoft has big tent-pole releases like Gears 5 and Halo Infinite to fill the prime slots of its showcase, and services like Xbox Games Pass and xCloud to round out the weaker bits. Bethesda has Doom Eternal to lead with, and they’ll probably have another lengthy, well-produced video about how the people who work at Bethesda are gamers just like you, and how making games together means that they’re family, or something. And then Todd Howard talks about a phone game for 20 minutes before being sealed back into his sarcophagus for another year.
Ubisoft is likely to spend a large section of its historically bizarre, high-energy presser on Watch Dogs Legion, which leaked earlier today. Set in London, Legion allows the player to play as any NPC that exists in the game, according to an Amazon description corroborated by Kotaku.
Meanwhile, fingers are crossed that Square Enix will finally reveal that Avengers game it has in the oven. I’m personally hoping for Dragon Quest Walk to make an appearance, along with an announcement of its North American availability. Nintendo, of course, will have plenty to say about Super Mario Maker 2 and Pokemon Sword and Shield, and maybe even a new Animal Crossing, should the stars align.
And as with every E3, each publisher is sure to have its fair share of surprises waiting in the wings. Dang near anything could happen, save for that tiny percentage of things which absolutely will not happen, no matter how great they would be, no matter how much joy they would bring to the world. In an effort to make sure that no one gets their hopes inappropriately up, I’ve constructed this list of things that no one should expect to happen at E3 2019. I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this, it’s just how things are.
Waluigi in Super Smash Bros. Ultimate
Look, I know how much you want this. I want it too, but it’s never going to happen. Waluigi is, by his very nature, never going to get what he deserves. If he did, he wouldn’t be Waluigi. The short shrift is a quintessential part of his being. It’s the root of the deep existential despair that is Waluigi. It’s what we all identify with. He’s never going to be in Smash specifically because the people that like him want him to be in Smash. Waluigi only appears in games where people don’t want him, like Mario Tennis Aces. That’s the way that it has to be for Waluigi to be Waluigi.
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Anything Related to Otogi: Myth of Demons
For those of you who are new to my neuroses, Otogi: Myth of Demons was a pre-Souls action/adventure Xbox game by From Software. It’s an important historical artifact in the lineage of From’s game design evolution, and is one of my favorite games of all time. Since it was never made backwards compatible on the Xbox 360, the only way to play it is on original Xbox hardware.
There are two ways that Otogi could show up at this year’s E3, and neither of them will happen. The first is for Otogi: Myth of Demons (and/or its sequel Otogi 2) to be announced as a backwards compatible title for the Xbox One, and the second is for From Software to tease a brand-new Otogi title. While it’s true that Microsoft has historically used its E3 showcase to announce new backwards compatible titles, and that the time is right for From Software to announce a new game, neither of these occurrences will involve Otogi. Why, you ask? Because the people who still love Otogi are all Waluigis. Each and every one of us.
New Titles for the Nintendo 3DS
The Nintendo 3DS is dead, y’all. Nintendo’s official release schedule website only lists two games — Persona Q2: New Cinema Labyrinth, and Shovel Knight: King of Cards — and that list ain’t gonna be any longer once E3 2019 is said and done. Personal Q2 might make a brief appearance during next week’s Nintendo Direct, but just long enough to remind people that it exists. With this being the year that Pokemon makes the jump to Switch for good, and with 3DS-only offshoots being confirmed as making the move as well, the only reason the 3DS is still sitting on its perch is because it has been nailed there.
I might be taking a leap of faith with regards to how well EA understand the internet by saying this, but I doubt we’ll see a new Skate game at this year’s E3. Reason being, most people don’t actually want Skate 4, they just want to post “skate 4” on EA Instagram posts because it’s a meme. The number of people who post “skate 4” on everything is not the same as the number of people who actually would buy Skate 4. I might be an enormous fool for saying this, but I think EA knows that. Especially after Mirror’s Edge 2 failed to light the world on fire. If I end up being wrong, feel free to comment “Jordan was wrong about Skate 4” on every Fanbyte post from now until the end of time, it’ll be great for our engagement statistics.
Deep Down – A Game That Was Definitely Announced
Remember Deep Down, Capcom’s PlayStation 4-exclusive free-to-play action-RPG that was announced at Tokyo Game Show 2013? The same Deep Down that ran on a brand-new proprietary engine called Panta Phei. Which was supposed to be the foundation for all of Capcom’s games in the new console generation, which was never seen again? The same Deep Down that was mentioned only sparingly in the years that followed, and which no one has seen hide nor tail of since Capcom extended the trademark for a third time in 2018? Well, 2019 ain’t gonna be Deep Down’s time to shine either. The industry needs perpetually nebulous games to keep the spark alive, and now that Kingdom Hearts 3 is out, Deep Down is next in line to be That Game™.