5 Things That Probably Don’t Happen in Avengers: Endgame

Whatever it takes, maybe.

The ultimate culmination of Marvel’s 400-year cinematic universe plan, Avengers: Endgame, hits theaters tomorrow evening. Early reports indicate that it is a triumph of the human spirit; a film worthy of being the capstone to one of the most successful and iconic monuments of modern pop culture. And for the first time ever, I was able to secure opening night tickets to one of these dang things. Didn’t even have to do all that many felonies!

Beyond knowing that the film is over three hours long, I’ve managed to steer clear of most information about Endgame. This is both a blessing and a curse, as anything I witness tomorrow night will be truly surprising, but until then, the mind reels with possibility. This is the big finale, after all. Marvel’s cards are on the table — if something is going to happen, it has to happen now. And with these movies being as unpredictable as they are, there’s really no limit to what could happen.

What follows is a list of five things that probably won’t happen in Avengers: Endgame, but are nonetheless possible within the framework of the Marvel Cinematic Universe. I’m putting these predictions out there so that on the off chance that one of them is correct, I’ll have receipts. Also this list is definitely going to contain spoilers for previous Marvel movies. Just a heads up!

Cap’n Leads the Team in a Rousing Production of the Captain America Song

In a show-stopping, 13-minute-long musical production, Captain America and the surviving members of the Avengers dance and sing their way through an extended remix of the 1966’s Captain America Theme Song, which was repurposed as a propaganda anthem in Captain America: The First Avenger. The highlight of the over-the-top performance is undoubtedly Captain Marvel’s rap battle with Captain America, in which they have a lively debate over who was the real first captain in the Avengers. Lin-Manuel Miranda’s cameo, while brief, does not disappoint.

Meet the Newest Avenger: Greg

As part of Captain America’s efforts to rally what troops remain in the aftermath of Thanos’ life-end snap, the Avengers welcome their newest member: Greg. A quiet man with a mysterious background, Greg is introduced to the other Avengers as “the only guy I could get a hold of” and “the only person I know who has a truck.” Greg’s perplexing abilities (having a truck, being around) aren’t fully explained in Endgame, which leads me to believe that his backstory is being purposely withheld for MCU Phase Four purposes. Adding a brand-new character this late in the franchise may seem like a risky move, but trust that Steve Buscemi’s Oscar-worthy performance pulls it off.

David Lynch Guest Directs 30 Minute ‘Aunt May Sequence’

The hauntingly austere “Aunt May sequence,” as film scholars have taken to calling it, is one of the major contributors to Endgame‘s three hour run time. Guest directed by the legendary David Lynch, this 30 minute interlude observes a banal section of Aunt May’s day in real time, while transparent overlays and fade transitions show surreal and upsetting events featuring characters alien to any Marvel Cinematic Universe film. At one point, the camera slowly zooms in on a rotating desk fan after Marisa Tomei has left her modest apartment entirely. This shot lasts for two and a half minutes before abruptly cutting to Aunt May sitting in a subway car, across from a man that is desperately trying to keep a live animal inside an exposed cavity in his stomach.

Love Scene Between Banner and Hulk Surprisingly Tasteful

We all knew it had to happen eventually, but no one expected the love scene with Bruce Banner and the Incredible Hulk to be the emotional fulcrum of Endgame. Critics and premiere attendees alike were moved to tears by the sensual healing at work in film’s most tender moments, which finally bring peace to what has easily been the franchise’s most tumultuous relationship. Fans of the Banner/Black Widow dynamic are understandably frustrated by this resolution, which, despite being telegraphed since Ruffalo’s debut as Banner in 2012, was nonetheless left in a nebulous state of “will they won’t they” until now.

Mantis Never Died and Nothing Bad Ever Happened to Her and Will Never Happen to Her, Actually

Without a doubt, the reveal that Mantis wasn’t actually killed by Thanos’ snap, and that she had never actually suffered any hardship at all in her lifetime, and that the universe was constructed in such a way as to guarantee that nothing bad will ever happen to her in the future, is Avengers: Endgame‘s biggest and most satisfying reveal. The logical gymnastics required to reach this point are a bit hard to follow, but the film does a good job of convincing the audience that yes, after everything that’s happened, it turns out that Mantis was, in fact, okay the whole time, and that her life has actually been an unbroken chain of joy and fulfillment. Furthermore, the lengthy post-credits sequence cements as canon that Mantis’ happiness is ensured throughout the known universe and all possible realities. Truly, there is no better way that Marvel could have drawn its 21-film series to a close.

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Jordan Mallory

Jordan Mallory is a 10-year games industry veteran with more heart than sense. Lover of frogs and dedicated Girls' Generation S♥NE. Mr. August, Men of Game Development 2015.

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