Hooooo boy. Okay, so earlier today IGN premiered the “motion poster” for the live-action Sonic the Hedgehog movie via Instagram, giving the world its first look at Sonic in the new film. Ignoring for a moment that the ring sounds aren’t even right, a handful of other issues are immediately apparent when viewing the poster.
Take a second to look at this thing, handle the fact that you’ve seen it and are indeed looking at what your brain says you’re looking at, and then follow along as I dissect five problems I have with … this.
Way Too Much Fur
It looks like the blue blur is mostly fur in his new IRL form, which is grossly inconsistent with actual hedgehog morphology. Hedgehogs do have fur, but it is generally relegated to their soft, squishy underbellies and faces. It’s also very coarse — not at all the sort of tufting, gorilla-hair bodysuit Sonic has going on.
It does look like there might be some quills in the fur making up his three iconic spikes, but this is way more of a porcupine situation than a hedgehog situation, as clearly shown in this scientific diagram:
We’ll have to see how Sonic looks when he’s more than just a silhouette, but early impressions are not good from a zoological standpoint.
“The Eye Decision”
This is only based on the information currently available, mind you, but it looks like Sonic might have beady little eyes that protrude from his face, just like a real hedgehog. Yes, I realize that I just talked about how this design isn’t real enough, but Sonic’s big ol’ cartoon anime eyes are not where you suddenly get accurate.
The producer of the film, Neal Moritz, said he doesn’t think Sega is “entirely happy with the eye decision,” in an interview with IGN. Moritz doesn’t spell out what “the eye decision” is exactly, but he did say that movie Sonic won’t “feel like a Pixar character … because I don’t think that’s the right aesthetic to make it feel like part of our world.”
These quotes, combined with the evidence in the teaser image, point to one conclusion: Sonic has terrifying, glassy shark eyes, like a doll’s eyes.
While we’re on the subject of Hollywood and the decisions that it makes, can we talk about this tagline for a second? It took me a full 10 minutes of staring at it to figure out that it’s a play on “a whole new breed of hero,” and I guess that would work as like, the tagline for an Airbud movie where Airbud becomes a firefighter or something, but it makes absolutely no sense in the context of Sonic the Hedgehog.
Here are some taglines that I just came up with, right this second, which still aren’t very good but are better than the real one:
- GOTTA GO FAST
- WE’RE NOT IN GREEN HILL ZONE ANYMORE
- BIG SCREEN BLAST PROCESSING
- HOLD ON TO YOUR CHILI DOGS
- OOOH, MILES “PROWER,” I GET IT
See? This isn’t difficult.
Sonic has always had four fingers, believe it or not, but his hands have never been, like, weirdly svelte like this. These look like the slender hands of a killer. Hands that deftly wrap themselves around the neck of a sleeping heiress, after ensuring her last will and testament named Sonic as the sole recipient of her fortune. These hands have done things — terrible things.
Way Too Jacked
Sonic is legally allowed to be one of two things:
- A cute little cartoon baby with a tubby little tum-tum, OR
- A cocky dude with attitude and lanky 1920s cartoon limbs
That’s it. Those are the only two acceptable Sonics. This hyper-muscular, toned and boned, protein blasted, JoJo’s-lookin’ power lifter with godly quads and an assuredly rock-hard behind cannot be Sonic the Hedgehog. Does he have wicked abs, too? Do we get a slow pan past his visible pelvic bone when he emerges from a portal to the real world or whatever? It’s gross. This whole thing is gross. I’m gonna go take a shower.