Last night, on the three-hour sweat-nightmare called WWE Raw, Drax the Destroyer himself (a.k.a. Dave Bautista, a.k.a. Batista) showed up to the 70th birthday of WWE legend Ric Flair. But he wasn’t there to wish his former ally well. Instead, Batista proceeded to beat the limo rides out of the septuagenarian Nature Boy for all the world to see.
This was a somewhat surprising development. Batista and Flair used to share screentime and an on-air friendship as part of Mötorhead backup dancing troupe, Evolution. So just why would Batista attack the legendary Flair? We’ve compiled a few extremely plausible possibilities.
Editor’s note: None of these “possibilities” are remotely plausible, much less true. This is all for funsies!
1. Ric Flair Signal Boosted All The Bad James Gunn Tweets
Batista is a talented actor, so his future outside of professional wrestling is bright. But when Flair spent a rainy afternoon sticking it to Guardians of the Galaxy director James Gunn on Twitter, Batista took note.
“I think Taika Waikiki [sic] would be a great Guardians of the Galaxy director!” quoted-tweeted Flair attached to one of Gunn’s ancient bad tweets.
When Twitter user YeOldeAnderson74 responded “love ya ric but james has apologized for these and with all the other real problems going on i think it’s time for a more nuanced position about things like this. he’s obivsously [sic] changed,” Flair tweeted “WOOOOOOOOO [sic] #fireJamesGun.”
Being part of the Marvel Cinematic Universe presumably means never having to worry about money for 10-15 lifetimes. Regardless, Batista muted Ric on Twitter. Perhaps that wasn’t enough…
2. Ric Left 53 Voicemails Claiming Batista Stole The All-Blue Gimmick
When Batista showed up to WWE Payback 2014 wearing all-blue everything, the internet clapped back (is clapping back still a thing?) by calling Batista — get a load of this — “Bluetista!” The pain for Big Dave didn’t end there, however. According to Dave Meltzer, Triple H took a clandestine photo of Batista in his blue tights and texted it to Ric.
The text said “mmmm Dave’s chomping your flavor now?”
Ric, incensed that anyone dare wear blue tights, blue kneepads (not even slid down to the ankles smh), and boots, called Batista to leave 53 voicemails about the perceived transgression.
Batista spent two full days Googling “how to mass delete voicemails from Apple iPhone phone app” and gave up, vowing to make his former friend pay when he least expected it. Which was apparently like five years later. Solid commitment, David!
3. Ric Said “Breakdancing Is For Small Men” In A Reddit AMA
In a Reddit AMA from March 2015, one intrepid use asked Flair if he was a good dancer. After posting six separate gifs of the same clip of him elbow-dropping his suit jacket, Ric asked “What do you think?”
User JeffMangumTA fired back with “You could probably break dance on that jacket” and Ric replied “Breakdancing is for small men.”
This naturally got back to Batista. Batista, in a now-deleted Instagram post, wrote “Break dance on my ass, old man” with a picture of a very large gingham suit jacket on a bamboo floor. We all presumed Batista had cooled off after this indirect transgression, but maybe not!
4. Ric Didn’t Use Batista’s Friend’s Bakery
Even though Atlanta, GA (the site of last night’s WWE Raw) is 638 miles away from Batista’s old haunt, Washington DC, the celebrity recently told Flair about his friend’s bakery Capital Cakes. He reportedly explained that “My buddy Daz makes the best coconut buttercream you’ve ever tasted” and “you gotta pick up a petit four or twelve next time you’re in DC.” However, this polite suggestion would only lay the groundwork for yet another Flair-Batista gaffe down the line…
When Ric invited Batista via text to his 70th, Batista wrote back “Hey man, thanks for the invite — don’t sweat the cake, I’ll order one from Daz on my way down.” Ric responded by noting WWE Productions would probably secure the cake from a local Atlanta bake shop.
Batista wrote back with “It’s no trouble for the living legend, love you brother.” Ric texted “Hunter’s got it covered, Dave. Just heard from him. Would love to grab a lemon buttercream or whatever next time I’m in the Beltway!”
It was coconut. Coconut buttercream.
5. Ric Owes Batista So, So Much Goddamn Money
Maybe the simplest explanation is the closest to the truth. Ric once convinced Batista to invest in Fair for the Gold LLC: a North Carolina limited liability company dedicated to “bringing style and high profile to your county fair.”
It was said to be an organization that would bedazzle and gold-plate amusement park machinery as a way to boost the “wow factor” of local fairs.
Batista lost nearly $85,000 on the investment, which was just a shell company to finance Flair’s legal fund — one dedicated to bar-related small claims cases. The fund was completely depleted within 47 days.