5 More Games That Don’t Star Pigs, but Should

I saw the pig again today, and this time I was ready. Just look at him up there. He’s so beautiful. Just a big lump of folds with a snoot on the end. Truly, Neighbor Pig is everything I aspire to be in life. A perfect example of simplicity and purpose. We can all learn so much from this pig.

Here are some additional thoughts on games that would be improved by adding pigs, or by substituting pigs for existing characters and/or gameplay elements.

Metal Gear Solid Series

Now you might be thinking: “Solid Pig,” and you’re not wrong. Yes to Solid Pig. But what if, instead of replacing Solid Snake with a pig, one were to replace the various Metal Gear models with pigs? A pig to surpass Metal Gear, one might say. A pig capable of launching a nuclear warhead from anywhere on the planet. A pig able to censor and alter digital information on a global scale. Replace the Shagohod with a Shagohog.

Mortal Kombat 11

It’s not too late, Ed. Mortal Kombat 11 doesn’t come out for another three months, that’s plenty of time to replace one or all of the characters with a pig. Granted, only a handful of fighters have been revealed so far, so there might already be a pig in here that I don’t know about. If so, touché monsieur Boon. If not, please just consider these two words: Sow Kahn.

Ace Combat 7: Skies Unknown

The new Ace Combat game already has a jpeg of a dog in a few of the cutscenes, why not patch in a jpeg of a pig for good measure? Better yet, add the eponymous star of Hayao Miyazaki’s Porco Rosso as a DLC pilot. This may require some finagling as far as licenses are concerned, but Bandai Namco and Studio Ghibli have worked together before, so I don’t see why this couldn’t come together if both parties were interested.

Also, real talk, you should watch Porco Rosso. It’s a beautiful film and is one of the few Miyazaki movies that focuses on an overtly political theme; following the life of an ex-fighter pilot who happens to be a pig, as he tries to live through post-World War 1 Europe.

(All art is political, of course — you know what I’m getting at here. Don’t @ me.)

Hitman 2

Alright, stick with me here: What if it turned out that Agent 47 was actually a pig that had been disguised as Agent 47 this whole time??? No one would see it coming. All of the disguises, assassinations, and exploding rubber ducks were just a smokescreen to distract us all from the truth of the Hitman series — that Agent 47 is a hyper-intelligent pig working for a secret global organization. This would also explain why Agent 47 is so hesitant to speak more than a few words at a time.

Frostpunk

The last vestiges of humanity huddle around a giant pig for warmth and sustenance. In this unyielding winter nightmare, can you make the sacrifices necessary to keep the pig — and by extension, everyone else — alive? Coming soon from 11 bit studios … Frostpig.

Eh? Eh??

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Jordan Mallory

Jordan Mallory is a 10-year games industry veteran with more heart than sense. Lover of frogs and dedicated Girls' Generation S♥NE. Mr. August, Men of Game Development 2015.

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