Hi, and welcome to our presentation! We have some wonderful opportunities for the right buyer here today. Kings Canyon is an up-and-coming area featuring a number of unique properties which will only appreciate in value. Want to get in on the ground floor? Then take a look at these five offerings.
1. Water Treatment Plant
Listen up, libertarians! Put down that copy of Atlas Shrugged and snuff out that clove cigarette, because this is your dream come true. For the low, low price of only 10,000,000 Apex Coins, you can own an entire public utility stuffed to the gills with all sorts of high-tier loot. From weapon attachments to first aid packs to more weapon attachments, this is exactly the bunker that you’ve been threatening to imprison your wife and children in since the Obama’s first term.
Laugh victoriously as droves of the unwashed masses line up for a cup of your possibly-irradiated product. Where else are they going to go? Plus, this one-of-a-kind location is easily defensible from all angles, in case of roving bandits trying to infringe upon your natural rights. Okay, sure, the giant glowing vats of what appears to be toxic waste might be a tad unappealing on a cursory inspection, but there’s no nanny state here to get up in your business about it.
2. Decommissioned Satellite Station
What vital information are these satellites transmitting into the cold vacuum of space? Perhaps images of a stranded astronaut’s newborn baby, or a particularly intriguing crater out there on a lonely rock? Who cares? All we know is that we managed to somehow obtain the deed to this grouping of half-a-dozen buildings in this secluded neighborhood, and it’s yours for only 1,000,000 Apex Coins.
This is a prime location, folks, with a great view of whatever the hell those weird dinosaurs are. Even if — by sheer coincidence — sixty strangers were to parachute down from the sky to slit each other’s throats in some grotesque parody of a game show, only a few assault-rifle toting supersoldiers are likely to bother landing in this neck of the woods. You could easily camp out on the far-north platform and take them out one by one with your trusty Peacemaker shotgun, our little housewarming gift. Plus, the zip lines are a great way to gets the kids out of the house.
3. The Thunderdome
Do you look good on paper, only to disappoint everyone when you actually show up? Then the Thunderdome is for you! This vertically-oriented patch of land is in desperate need of redevelopment, with its supposedly “high-tier” offerings spread all over the place like a haboob rolled through. For just 100,000 Apex Coins and some TLC, this desolate stretch of desert could become a thriving center of commerce for the Canyon with a more centralized loot loadout, such as a Whole Foods, an ice skating rink, or an ammo depot that’s constantly exploding.
See those platforms floating up there? Strap on those grav boots and jump off. It’s great fun! Use binoculars to spy on your suspicious neighbors in Skull Town. Plus, you get to tell friends you own property named after the worst Mad Max movie ever made.
4. Slum Lakes
Yeah, look, we get it, it’s literally called Slum Lakes. We know this isn’t exactly your first choice. But if you’re priced out of our more luxe fare, it beats the hell out of descending down into the maw of the moon mines like the rest of the average Joes. If you’re willing to charge ridiculous rent for zero amenities, this is a steal at just 10,000 Apex Coins. Don’t you want to drive a space Lexus?
These tin shacks require zero maintenance, and your tenants are likely to succumb to the desert elements or lead paint before they report you to whatever passes for a housing authority around here. Plus, they have absolutely terrible loot — just row after row of rusty Mozambiques and an auto-pistol or two. If they decide to lead a scrappy uprising Total Recall-style, it’s probably not going to go too well for them.
5. Unnamed Shack
Alright, look. This one’s basically free. 1,000 Apex Coins is chump change, even to a loser like you. Pick up a pistol and go to town. You aren’t going to win anyway. At least you’ll have a nice place to house your corpse without it getting too sandy.
But in the meantime, you have to live in this deathtrap, surrounded by so-called “Legends” who kill each other for fun all day long. Seriously, folks, I’m giving the company my notice, this is bullshit. This presentation is done. I’m going to try my luck in the Apex games — at least they seem to be having a good time.