I think every games journalist can agree: we all have one video game character that we seriously need to smooch. Sure, classic visual novels like Clannad and Katawa Shoujo — even kinkier stuff like Christine Love’s Ladykiller in a Bind — scratch that itch to go on a date with somebody. But now more than ever, it feels like something is missing. Why can’t I hold hands with the default skin girl from Fortnite? Why shouldn’t I smooch Queen Mercia in Wargroove?
Some of the best franchises out there just aren’t tapping into their fandoms’ unyielding thirst, and it’s getting frustrating. Seriously, EA has an absolute hit on its hands with Apex Legends, but it’s ridiculous that you can’t date Pathfinder, even though games journalists confirmed he canonically fucks. What gives, Respawn? Why can’t I have sex with your hot robot?
It’s time for developers to start expanding our dating pools, and by “expanding,” I mean letting us have sex with their hottest fictional characters. So without further ado, here are all the games that need dating spin-offs, so I can keep myself busy on Valentine’s Day.
Animal Crossing: New Leaf – Total Kinksville
Let’s not mince words here: There are so many cute girls in Animal Crossing. It’s absolutely criminal that you can’t date them. Reese? She’d build you furniture. Felicity the cat would have you over for coffee dates and TV. Sable, Mabel, and Labelle could make you dresses to wear while strolling on the beach. And don’t get me started on Isabelle, who is an absolute babe and probably lowkey kinky. She’d be at your door promptly at six, flowers in hand, dinner reservations pre-planned, with a collar around her neck begging you to take her for walks.
This is definitely canon, for the record. I’m about to edit it into the Animal Crossing Wikipedia page as we speak.
Anyway, I’ve played a ton of Animal Crossing. In the process, I’ve fallen in love with so many villagers in my town. We have a special bond that transcends picking fruit and exchanging furniture. Nintendo needs to take the next step and let me ask my furry friends out, confess my feelings to them, and see if they’re looking to be more than just neighbors that occasionally compete in the Fishing Tourney together.
Dota 2 – Fish Wife & Friends
In the esports world, players look at the Dota 2 roster and see 116 characters to choose from in battle. I, on the other hand, see 116 hotties to potentially date.
Instead of splitting into pairs and fighting each other to the death, I wish Valve would just go ahead and let me smooch my enemy combatants. Forget sending creeps to break down each others’ towers! We could pool our gold together to buy tickets to see Ogre Magi perform some stand-up. Or maybe we could grab some ale courtesy of Brewmaster and go for a swim in the river at mid. Hell, we could even go to the Secret Shop and buy each other gifts! It would do a lot of good in the world if every hero got together and let some sparks fly. Hell, maybe Kunkka and Tidehunter could finally express their true feelings for one another (seriously guys, get a room already).
For the record, I would love to do a 100 percent completion run where I date all 116 Dota 2 heroes. If Zeus is as promiscuous in Dota as he is in Greek mythology, I’m sure I’d be in for a good time (and I’m not even attracted to men!). And for my fellow queer girls, there are so many women in Dota that would give you an unforgettable night.
Like, can you even imagine what it would be like to hook up with Naga Siren? I’m sure I’d be utterly paralyzed with desire after hearing her voice — both metaphorically and literally. Also, I would let Drow Ranger carry me all the way to her boudoir. She could unleash her Frost Arrows through my heart any time.
Sonic the Hedgehog – He Kissed a Human Woman
It’s no secret that Sonic the Hedgehog fandom has long wanted to fuck Sonic the Hedgehog. Back in 2015, Arcane Kids even riffed on the idea with Sonic Dreams Collection, where you can literally film Sonic characters having a prom night orgy, end up in a Rouge the Bat vore scene (google it [actually, on second thought, don’t]), and confess your true love to Sonic through a virtual reality simulation.
All of that is great! I’m here for nuanced commentary on the Sonic fandom, but why hasn’t Sega created an actual game where you can date Sonic and his friends? Knuckles would make a great husband: he’s loyal, disciplined, and has a great knack for finding gems. Then there’s Amy, the doting, lovable pink-haired girlfriend always getting kidnapped by Metal Sonic. It’s basically all of the traits you want in a girl. Or conversely, why not let Metal Sonic kidnap you and see what happens? Kinky! And this goes without saying, but I’m sure Sonic would be as smooth over dinner as he is fast on his feet.
There’s some major potential here, especially with the furry community, so it’s a shame that Sega hasn’t let me take Sonic on a date and pay for his chili dogs. Throw in a VR headset with touch capabilities, so I can give Sonic headpats and tummy rubs, and that’s what I call a great way to spend my Feb. 14.
Overwatch – They’re Lesbians
I’m pretty sure Blizzard brought a dozen queer women together in a room, locked the door shut, and asked all 12 writers “How can we make lesbians buy our game in droves?” The answer is Overwatch, and it’s good.
Let me explain, because there are so many potential girls to date in this one. There’s Pharah: cool, smooth, confident, and highly disciplined. She hails from a mother who controlled one of the most powerful organizations in world history, yet wanted something better for her daughter. Pharah is every girl’s dream top. If you choose her in-game, you’re basically signaling to everyone you know: I’m not just gay, I’m a well-sought-after statistical anomaly in the queer community because of social conditioning that prevents women from asserting themselves sexually. So hot!! Can you imagine asking her out on a date?
Then there’s Widowmaker, who is literally an ice queen. Quite frankly, I don’t think you would be able to date her until you engaged in one-on-one close-quarters-combat with her. You’d have to impress her by either outsmarting her or letting her shoot you. But after my wounds finally healed from her near-fatal blow to my chest, I would love to split a bottle of finely aged French wine with her and listen to her go on and on and on about her finest kills. It would make my gay heart swoon, even if I had to deal with an arrhythmia after the fact.
There are other girls, too. Mercy would be so tender and loving — the kind that holds your hand and smiles while you talk about your day. Then you could go on a date with Symmetra, who would literally bend reality so you two can hang out without interruption. And who could forget Moira, the ostracized geneticist who would literally rearrange your genome during your “Netflix and dissect” hang out session? I cannot stress this enough: Moira could experiment with every cell in my body and I would love it.
Quite frankly, Overwatch is perfect dating sim territory because it’s incredibly gay. I absolutely demand that Blizzard let me hold hands with Tracer. Or Sombra. Or Mei. Or Ashe. Or all of them. I mean, the team comp would be awful, but who said a polycule has to make sense?
Dark Souls – Pleeease
Three words: Chaos Witch Quelaag. From Software, please, I’m begging you, let me make out with the thick spider giantess.