Inescapable video game streaming website Twitch announced its fifth-annual North American convention earlier today, surprising no one but undoubtedly exciting many. Scheduled to take place over the weekend of September 27 at the San Diego Convention Center, TwitchCon 2019 promises “streamer Meet and Greets, Community Meet-Ups, Creator Camp, and more.”
Previous TwitchCons have featured celebrities like Snoop Dogg, Tony Hawk, and Darude, and have also held competitions such as Fortnite tournaments and cosplay contests with substantial cash prizes.
I’ve never been to a TwitchCon, but I’ve been to enough other video game conventions to know what works and what doesn’t. Since most of TwitchCon 2019 is probably still up in the air, I figured I’d toss the fledgling organizers a bone and offer up five ideas for TwitchCon 2019. These ideas are being presented by me, free of charge, so don’t be shy!
Free Idea #1: Twitch Chat LIVE!
Trap people in a hell of their own making by dedicating an area of the San Diego Convention Center to “Twitch Chat LIVE!,” a non-stop IRL recreation of the Twitch chat experience. Upon entering the sound-proof room, Twitch Chat LIVE! participants are encouraged to scream whatever they want as loudly as possible. Unsolicited advice, major spoilers, sexist jokes, and racist epithets can all be hurled at the projector screen, which shows a different random Twitch stream every hour.
And best of all, the doors to Twitch Chat LIVE! only work in one direction, so anyone who thought this sounded fun will be trapped there for the duration of the convention. Things really heat up when chatters discover that there is no bathroom access!
Free Idea #2: Guided Transcendental Meditation Seminar hosted by David Lynch
Visionary television and film director David Lynch hosts a twenty minute guided meditation seminar, teaching TwitchCon goers about the spiritual beauty and peace attainable through Transcendental Meditation. As the founder of the David Lynch Foundation for Consciousness-Based Education, Mr. Lynch will share his decades of TM experience during this free session, which is open to all attendees who submit a waiver through the official TwitchCon 2019 website. Learn powerful new mantras like “I am the arm. And I sound like this,” and enjoy a steaming hot cup of coffee, compliments of Double R Diner.
Free Idea #3: Dye Your Hair with Ninja
Spend an afternoon with Twitch’s most popular streamer, Ninja, and learn the secrets of his hair dying techniques during this hands-on workshop. All attendees will be provided with a packet of L’Oreal Quick Blue High Performance bleach, as well as a single-serving tub of Manic Panic High Voltage “Atomic Turquoise™” hair dye. One lucky fan will even have their scalp scratched by Ninja himself during the extremely itchy “processing” phase of the operation. Supplies are limited to the first 100 attendees, so arrive early!
Free Idea #4: Ad-Supported Passes
TwitchCon has yet to announce pricing for its 2019 North American festivities, but there will undoubtedly be many who won’t be able to afford admission — unless, of course, Amazon were to introduce some form of ad-supplemented free pass. This pass would allow access to TwitchCon and would come with all the same perks and features. In return, attendees would agree to wear Advertisement Masks at all times.
The threat of a severe financial penalty would keep Free Attendees from discarding their Advertisement Masks, which completely obscure the face and eyes in order to provide maximum surface area for advertisers. Accelerometers and GPS trackers embedded in the masks allow TwitchCon personnel to individually track the movements and whereabouts of each Free Attendee, providing further security and peace of mind for advertisers. Each mask also features the same kind of tamper-evident ink bombs used by law enforcement, to ensure that anyone attempting to impede the operation of a TwitchCon Free Attendee Advertisement Mask can be quickly identified and apprehended.
Free Idea #5: Stream Key Party
Featuring the musical stylings of Marshmello!