Ah, Black Friday. A day where minimum-wage workers leave their families to clock some mandatory overtime at their second jobs, while perfectly reasonable consumers grow more and more willing to crush the life out of another human being.
It’s capitalism working at peak efficiency, and in order to help you work at peak efficiency, we’ve put together a quick list of Black Friday sales that you can safely ignore. Do not waste time by attempting to shop for any of these five products, but please do waste time by reading this list. Wasting time now saves time later, as Ben Franklin — America’s greatest president and the inventor of Black Friday — used to say.
Claptrap Ruins Your Car ($20)
If you’ve ever wished that your car’s center console could be A) less useful, and 2) more annoying, Think Geek has you covered with its Borderlands Claptrap Talking Car Charger.
Inexplicably marked down by 50 percent, this thing plugs into your car’s cigarette lighter and takes up one of your cup-holders, providing two single-amp USB ports in exchange. It also lights up and says one of three famous(?) Claptrap phrases whenever you use it, which is both somehow too many and not nearly enough.
Burn One with Spyro ($30)
For $10 less than normal, you too can be the proud owner of a Spyro Incense Burner Statue. At 10 and a half inches tall, this statue is designed to work with cone-type incense — just light the tip, cram it under Spyro’s butt, and marvel as smoke billows from the li’l dude’s nostrils. Just like in real life!
We’re not really sure what the overlap is between “People Who Burn Incense” and “People Who Like Spyro the Dragon,” but we bet there are plenty of people who burn other things and love chasing that purple dragon, and also enjoy Spyro games.
PUBG Pan-tomime ($10)
This is a foam replica of the cast-iron frying pan found in PlayerUnknown’s Battlegrounds. That’s it. And it’s normally thirty dollars.
Since it’s made of foam, can it withstand multiple strikes to the back of your soon to be ex-friend’s head? You’ll never find out unfortunately, as the pan will be summarily confiscated by your legal guardian within 20 minutes of purchase. Didn’t they know this is exactly what would happen? I don’t think they can pin this one on you, tell them I said you’re un-grounded.
Get Turnt on Nostalgia ($9)
“How am I supposed to get drunk in public and let everyone in the general area know that I’m aware of a popular classic video game console?” I ask myself this question every morning, and before now, I didn’t have an answer.
I tried pounding Four Loko outside the DMV while wearing my “ASK ME ABOUT THE FM TOWNS MARTY” shirt, but I just got arrested for throwing up in the little coned-off zone they use to test if you can parallel park, and none of the selfies I took with that lady’s service dog came out good enough to post on Instagram.
I also tried going to wine tastings and loudly complaining about how none of the wines were “a real vintage like the Magnavox Odyssey,” but all that did was get my Meetup.com account banned.
So I’m thankful that Gamestop has finally given a solution to my problem, which is this “canteen” shaped like an NES cartridge. Now I can make eye contact with a stranger and know that they know that I am aware of a classic video game console and am also drunk in public.
A Casual Dress Shirt That Says StarCraft on It ($34)
This StarCraft long-sleeve button-up shirt is the perfect gift for the high-school computer science teacher in your life, or anyone who enjoys starting conversations by having someone else ask why their shirt says StarCraft on it. Hand wash cold.