Hoooooooooooooooooo boy. Okay. Y’all heard about the Analogue Mega Sg? It’s a new console capable of playing almost every pre-Saturn game ever released for a Sega platform, in 1080p and with even higher audio fidelity than the YM2612 chip in the original model 1 Genesis. Unlike those abysmal plug-and-play crimes from AtGames, which run an emulator atop a budget, off the shelf system-on-a-chip, the Mega Sg uses a special kind of chip called an FPGA (Field Programmable Gate Array) to accurately recreate a myriad of Sega consoles at the hardware level.
For a child of Sega such as myself, it is the holy grail of neo-retro hardware. It’s also $190.
There are much cheaper ways to play Sega Genesis/Master System/et al games. I could run down to my local Game Over and buy a Sega Genesis right now for $40. I could go visit my parents, who still use the Sega Genesis that I received for my sixth birthday to play Mega Bomberman, which is my mom’s favorite game. I could play any of the dozens of classic Sega games that I already own in the SEGA Mega Drive & Genesis Classics Collection sitting in my Steam library. I could even pursue illicit, forbidden options to get my fix, which would cost nothing more than a small fragment of my soul.
But the people I trust about this sort of thing say that the Mega Sg is exceptional. It’s beautiful and new and it works with the Genesis controller that I’ve had for 25 years. Steam sure as heck can’t do that! What else would I spend that $200 on anyway?
I can answer that question for you, little Jordo.
That’s right, it’s me: Your conscience. Buckle up.
Thing 1: Food and Shelter
A growing 31-year-old boy like you needs to eat. Don’t you want to be able to splurge on dinosaur nuggets? On pizza rolls? Items from the frozen novelty section? That money has to come from somewhere, little Jordo. A Mega Sg represents dozens and dozens of Hot Pockets. And what of your beloved tiny house? You can’t pay rent with video games.
That’s different money! This money would be leftover, after those expenses. I know how to budget, voice.
Thing 2: Your Car’s Dying Stereo
The Toyota’s stereo is fine. It has problems but it still works.
But the iPhone input cable, little Jordo. The adapter has split and frayed, and not only has it stopped charging your phone, but now there’s no left-channel audio at all. And since it was hardwired into the stereo by the previous owner, the only real option is to replace the whole thing with a modern, Bluetooth-enabled unit. Don’t you deserve to have a nice radio in your car? Music is so important to you.
I mean, yes? But I’m an adult and I can set my own priorities. Replacing the stereo can wait if I want it to.
Tiffany wants me to be happy!!
Thing 3: Games for Systems You Already Have
Pikachu is waiting for you, little Jordo.
… Pikachu? For me?
He’s ready to go on a big adventure, just like when you were little! Remember back then? When everything was so easy? If only you’d known, little Jordo. If only you had really appreciated it at the time. You were the only kid in town that had Ash’s hat IRL. Do you remember how happy that hat made you? Does anything make you that happy anymore?
My hat …
It’s gone now, little Jordo. Just like the Pokemon in your Blue cartridge when the battery failed. All gone. Erased. Forgotten in their box, never leveled or loved, just waiting for the day when the battery’s weak trickle of life would gently fade. You make me sick.
Why are you doing this!?
Because you can change things. You can buy Pokémon: Let’s Go, Pikachu! for the Nintendo Switch, and make everything right. You can catch them all, little Jordo. You can love them all. You can earn their forgiveness. You can earn my forgiveness.
I’m sorry, Pikachu!!
I’M SORRY, PIKACHU!!!