Amazon is a sarlacc pit of unoriginal, unauthorized, often straight-up stolen merchandise for everything from Game of Thrones to The Wiggles. At this time of year especially, the fly-by-night shops selling jpegs on hoodies really ramp up their efforts, producing as many products as possible with no regard for coherence or quality.
With this in mind, I dived into an Amazon search for “gamer t-shirt” and came back with 13 articles of clothing that should never adorn your body, or the body of someone you love. Not even ironically.
“TENGBOKY Funny Baby Onesies Long Sleeve Onesies Christmas Onesie”
Baby onesies with phrases on them are almost universally horrible, but there’s something particularly gross about using your child to advertise the fact that you had sex with someone in order to produce them. This onesie also offloads the father’s desire for everyone to know that he’s a “gamer” onto his child, which is a burden that no baby deserves.
“I Love It When My Girlfriend Lets Me Play Video Games Tee”
See, from a distance it looks like you’re wearing a shirt that says “I LOVE MY GIRLFRIEND,” as legally required by the Girlfriend Accords, but upon closer inspection it says that what you actually love is when your girlfriend allows you to play a video game! Haha! This shirt is relatable and funny because all girlfriends hate video games, and everyone who plays video games likes them to such a degree that it’s detrimental to their relationships. We’ve all been there!
“I Love It When My Mom Lets Me Play Video Games Shirt”
This shirt is the same idea as the last shirt, but with “mom” instead of “girlfriend.” Because after all, what is a mother, if not a man’s first girlfriend?
“‘I Love It When My Wife Lets Me Play Video Games’ T-Shirt”
And what is a wife, if not a man’s second mother? Right?
“Yeet Or Be Yeeted Shirt | Funny Video Game Meme T-Shirt “
This isn’t how the word “yeet” is used. Yeet is not a verb. Yeet is an exclamation — something said en lieu of an exuberant “yeah!” or “nice!” in video game scenarios. If your friend told you that they got platinum in their Overwatch placements, you would not be incorrect in responding, “yeet!”
Conversely, it would be incorrect to voice your intention to “yeet the other team” at the beginning of a game of DOTA 2. This shirt may as well say “GOOD OR BE GOODED.”
“If It’s Not About Video Games Don’t Talk To Me! Funny Tee”
Because I only care about video games, baby! Get outta here with those politics, cultural events, work deadlines, or critical information about loved ones! I’m a gamer and that defines my entire existence! I don’t even know what food is and I’m not interested in learning! So don’t talk to me about it!
You keep saying things like “Dad is in the hospital” and “an eviction notice came today,” but all I hear is “blah blah blah!!” Maybe try saying the words “video games” next time and you’ll have my attention!
“6TN Mens I’m a Gamer T Shirt”
For the man in your life that’s still really, really defensive about liking video games, perhaps consider a talk about the current state of the industry instead of this shirt. Maybe walk him through recent statistics, which say that more than 2 billion people play video games annually.
Show him that literally everyone in his family has Fortnite installed on their phone, and that his elderly mother is making several hundred thousand dollars a year through her ASMR Animal Crossing streams on Twitch. Help him understand that video games are as ubiquitous as music or film, and that he no longer must define himself through them, that the playground wedgies of 1992 are gone forever. I’m Sarah McLachlan.
“Go All Out Adult Gaming Power Button Gamer Pride Sweatshirt Hoodie”
After stealing a transparent power button .png from Google Image Search, show your “gamer pride” by not even taking the time to photoshop it underneath the drawstrings of the hoodie jpeg you also stole from Google Image Search.
“Hadouken funny video game shirt old school retro gaming tshirt”
This shirt probably has the best intentions out of everything on this list, but it still has some major design problems. First of all, Ryu’s colors are white, black, and red — there’s no blue to be found anywhere on his whole deal. Secondly, he’s facing the wrong direction for the listed inputs to produce a hadouken.
The hadouken itself isn’t great either, it looks like a basketball with some ribbons tapped to it. Not to mention the silhouette of Ryu’s belt, which makes it look like he has a giant crab pincer coming out of his crotch. This shirt does, however, get props for spelling “hadouken” properly.
“I Don’t Always Play Video Games Wait Yes I do Shirt Gift”
There are literally hundreds of iterations of this exact shirt on Amazon, all from different sellers and of varying designs, but I chose this specific one because it’s in Comic Sans. Out of the 20+ pages of products I scoured for this list, this is the only shirt I saw that used Comic Sans. Frankly, I’m a little surprised.
“Maternity Question Mark Block T Shirt Nerdy Video Game Pregnancy Tee for Ladies”
I get that this is supposed to be some kind of gender reveal thing, but maybe remember what Mario does to question mark blocks before putting one on a pregnant lady’s belly????????
“Qasimoff New Video Game Shirt Just Play It Boys Girls Youth Hooded Sweatshirt”
For when the illegal usage of a single trademark just doesn’t cut it, double up with this confusing Fortnite/Nike logo hoodie. Guaranteed to never make sense!
“Funny Video Game T-Shirt Santa Dabbing Skeleton Christmas”
Just kidding, this shirt totally rules. Dab on li’l dude!!