After digging through Amazon to find the 13 worst “gamer” shirts on offer, my doctor told me that I had to wait at least 72 hours before going back under. She said something about “explosive eyeball syndrome” and “inside-out butt disorder,” but I have an obligation to you, the readers, to provide useful consumer information during these trying holiday times.
What do doctors know anyway? I read on Yahoo Answers that prolonged exposure to capitalism is actually good, and that the more egregious the retail offering, the stronger my immune system becomes. So! Here are 10 more awful “gamer” gifts available on Amazon, which no one should ever purchase. Even ironically!
“BestPysanky Video Gamer Glass Ball Christmas Ornament 3.25 Inches”
The listing for this item claims that it is hand-painted in the Ukraine, which brings to mind a mental image most crushing, like a first draft of Gift of the Magi that was rejected for being too depressing.
Some poor elderly woman/6-year-old child, sitting in a dark basement of some factory with a giant box of blank ornaments to their left, and an ever-growing pallet of finished ones to their right.
For 16 hours a day, this person paints the same scene over and over again — two children covered in snow, playing split-screen Outrun on an orange Dreamcast; prisoners to the red void of Christmas. The poorly ventilated cellar fills with paint fumes and glitter as the long day marches on, as do the worker’s lungs. Eventually they leave the freezing facility, braced for the plodding, hours-long walk home through the snowy night. In three hours, they must wake to prepare for another day. Merry Christmas, gamer!
“A&T Designs Gamer Controller Glitter Christmas Ornament – (Gaming Remote Nerd Geek Gift)”
For what it’s worth, I do think the idea of a PlayStation controller ornament is pretty cute. An exact-ish, tiny replica of PS1 Dual Shock would be welcomed to my tree with open limbs, but the same cannot be said for this off-model, bulbous blue rip-off. This thing is a glitter cryptid. Just looking at it is enough to cover you and everyone you love in sparkles until Valentine’s Day.
“Vinyl Wall Decal Gamer Girl Video Game Play Room Gaming Stickers (vs4571)”
With this enormous wall decal, you can let everyone that enters your apartment know that you have awful taste in not only home decor, but cheesecake anime ladies as well. This item also informs your guests that they’ve made a terrible mistake, and that while your Mystery Science Theater 3000 “multiple Crow T. Robot”theory presentation will only last several hours, it will feel like a lifetime.
“Gamer Twin Size Duvet Cover Set, Cartoon Character with Backwards Hat and Crazy Eyes Playing Videogames Funny Doodle, Decorative 3 Piece Bedding Set with 2 Pillow Shams, Multicolor”
Hoooooo boy. Okay. So first off, this set costs $69.99, aka The Gamer Number, which seems like a lot for a duvet cover and pillow cases that were ruined before you bought them. Secondly, everything in the set is made from microfiber cloth, rather than cotton or flannel, which is what you would expect at $70.
Thirdsies, you can tell this is just some auto-generated thing and not something that was designed by an actual human, because the aspect ratio on the pillow graphics doesn’t match the one on the duvet cover — that clip art is just squished on there. If you’re worried that AI is going to take over the world someday, let this proc-gen bed-in-a-bag set your mind at ease.
“Gamer Wall Art Decal Video Gaming Controller Design for Games Room Bedroom (XLarge: 35″x22″ (90x57cm))”
Let visitors to your man cave know that you’re a team clan first person shooter platform strategy adventure fighter multiplayer stealth online defense survival challenge platform graphics action rage quit gamer with this subtle wall decal.
“3dRose LSP_180406_2 Eat Sleep Game Fun Gifts for Gamers Text Video Programmer Toggle Switch, Black”
EAT. LEE . GAME.
“Gamer Video Game Wall Decals Controller Stickers Home Decor Customize for Kids Bedroom Vinyl Wall Art VG027”
This same slogan was on a shirt in yesterday’s list, but the shirt at least had the decency to use an apostrophe, rather than a double quotation mark. This is yet another example of an Amazon product that was never once touched by humans — something designed and listed by a print-on-demand algorithm given internet access. Don’t let procedurally generated interior decorating happen to you, or someone you love.
“Lunarable Gamer Duvet Cover Set Twin Size, Modern Gamepad Colorful Action Buttons Joysticks D-Pad, Decorative 2 Piece Bedding Set 1 Pillow Sham, Charcoal Grey Pale Grey”
This duvet cover set features the exact same description and proc-gen bed background as the “Cartoon Character with Backwards Hat and Crazy Eyes Playing Videogames Funny Doodle” set above, but claims to be manufactured and sold by a different company.
This sort of thing happens on Amazon a lot — companies will register dozens of fake LLCs in order to maximize SEO potential and game the ratings system. If one of the shell businesses is shut down by Amazon for faking reviews with bots, the real company still has at least another 20 Amazon storefronts selling the same trash. Amazon still takes a cut of whatever they sell, so its incentive to stop this behavior is minimal at best.
Anyway, what kid doesn’t dream of having a stretched generic video game controller jpeg duvet cover?
“Gaming Keep Out Door Sign – Funny Novelty Gift for Obsessive Gamers! Perfect for Teens”
Uah!! Mom! Hold on! D-don’t come in! I’m, uh, I’m flossing!! I told you to knock!!!
“SUMMIT COLLECTION Skull Gamer Sitting on Cushion Collectible Figurine”
This figure is good, actually. I would proudly display this anywhere in my home. Party on, li’l dude!