This morning I looked out my bathroom window and saw a gigantic black pig, just sniffin’ around doing pig stuff. He was totally chill, not at all a wild boar or something that I would have to call animal control about. Just a big ol’ fat piggy-wiggy shufflin’ his big ol’ butt around my neighbors backyard.
I watched him for as long as I could (one does not waste a pig-watching opportunity), and I’ve come to the conclusion that he is not some transient creature, but rather my neighbor’s actual pet. They just have a pig — dude lives there. If I keep an eye out, I might get to look at a pig several times a week.
I’ve tried to get any amount of non-pig related work done today, but doing so has proven absolutely futile. When your day starts with a surprise pig, you can’t just go write about counterfeit Nintendos like everything’s normal.
So, as a result of today’s development, here are 10 games that would be vastly improved by replacing the star character(s) with a pig.
Insomniac’s massive open-world PlayStation 4 exclusive brought the house down last year, but wouldn’t it be better if it starred a pig instead of a Parker? What if Insomniac had spent the exact same time, attention, budget, and effort on a Spider-Ham game starring Peter Porker? It could have tied into the movie and everything. Hopefully this enormous oversight can be corrected in a future update.
There’s an alternate universe out there where Rocket League is a game about pigs in racing suits with rockets attached to ’em, and no disrespect to this universe’s Rocket League, but that sounds like a hell of a time. You wouldn’t have to change anything else about how the game handles or behaves, it’d just be pigs instead of cars. Psyonix, if you’re listening, think about it.
Into the Breach
In a desperate, final attempt at survival, humanity deploys a garrison of gigantic, highly-trained pigs to fend off an invasion of genocidal bugs from beyond the stars. It’s a high-stakes game of life and death, of cause and effect, of sacrifice and purpose. As the commander of mankind’s last hope, can you bring home the bacon?
Two Point Hospital
Two Pig Hospital. Eh? Eh??
Keep Talking and Nobody Explodes
Again, this fix would be a pretty simple case of swapping one asset for another — just make the bomb a pig. Keep all the bomb disarmament modules like they are, but instead of having them arranged in the current briefcase-like configuration, just tape ’em to a pig.
It wouldn’t be fun if the pig got hurt by the bomb, so instead of an explosion, maybe the pig just lets out a really big toot if the players fail. Still a situation that one would want to avoid if at all possible! Developer Steel Crate Games would have to reissue the unbelievably huge instruction manual, but they could probably just find/replace “bomb” with “pig” and call it a day.
It’d be pretty straight-forward to take replace all the characters in Stardew Valley with pigs, but then we’d have pigs raising pigs, and that get’s into some complicated, existential territory that this game isn’t really equipped to handle. So! To balance it out, we’ll replace the humans with pigs and the pigs with humans, that way it’s still just an asset swap, but we avoid the tricky Animal Farm implications.
We’d still end up with humans as livestock in an animal-ruled world, but if we never address it ever, people will project all kinds of fascinating explanations onto it and we don’t have to do any actual work or story planning. Moving on!
Dragon Ball FighterZ
Dragon Ball FighterP — the “P” is for pigs. Oolong still isn’t invited.
You could make everybody in Fortnite pigs and people might not even notice. This is a game where a hamburger man with a giant egg on his back skydives out of a balloon bus while ghostly bats pour from his feet and hands. Turning everyone into pigs might even make this game more normal.
Detroit: Become Human
Weirdly enough, replacing Detroid: Become Human‘s androids with pigs would probably make this rote, cursory racism allegory more unique in some ways. Then again, it might also highlight all of the ridiculous suspensions of disbelief required to enjoy this game — imagine a pig removing its small pig emblem, and then no human can tell that it’s a pig, despite still totally looking exactly like a pig. Pigs spread lucid thought between each other like a virus. A pig works to solve pig-related crimes. No matter how you slice it, it’s a better game.
Dead or Alive Xtreme 3: Scarlet
Look, I don’t have to explain myself to you.