With the sixth Super Smash Bros. installment coming out soon, people have been speculating on who the DLC characters will be this time around. Last time, we got characters like Bayonetta, Cloud, and Ryu — strong, interesting fighters that don’t fit the typical Smash mold. So the sky’s nearly the limit in terms of who can show up in this crossover fighter. Well, I’m not here to speculate on who should be in this game. I want to talk about who, absolutely and under no circumstances, should not be in Smash Ultimate.
When Smash Ultimate was finally announced, the internet exploded with the sound of people who wanted to see Waluigi join the ranks of other Mushroom Kingdom fighters. But have you ever stopped to consider Waluigi’s feelings? Maybe he doesn’t want to fight. The purple garbed counterpart to Luigi, Mario’s sadly deceased brother, has only ever appeared in Nintendo’s less conflict-oriented games.
Maybe he just enjoys go-karting and playing tennis. Maybe every two years he just wants to try his hand at the Olympic games with his newfound animal friends. We already know from his most famous, flowery pose that Waluigi is a lover and not a fighter — much less someone who would ever smash another sentient being. He could be perfectly content in just making an appearance as an Assist Trophy, so don’t force the man!
He’s a shy guy. Shy Guy doesn’t want to show up for a Nintendo-themed mixer, much less as any kind of fighter. He’s probably got social anxiety, but calling him “Social Anxiety Guy” and “Panic Attack Guy” don’t roll off the tongue as easy. Leave him alone to do… whatever Shy Guys do. I guess being the silent Minions of the Mushroom Kingdom?
Those Faces From The Game Boy Camera
From a gameplay perspective, what would they even do? We learned from Master Hand that disembodied limbs need to at least have opposable elements to be a true threat. At most, the Game Boy Camera faces could just float around being upsetting to look at.
They’d hove into your field of vision saying cryptic messages like “Don’t be so silly!” and “Who are you running from?” They only serve to remind you of all the niggling insecurities you have, as well as the crimes and sins you’ve committed in this life. That’s a strong psychological tactic, but when push comes to shove, they wouldn’t stand a chance. They should stay out of this for their own safety.
Toadsworth is an old man who enjoys playing mahjong and being Princess Peach’s entourage. He could not possibly add anything to a roster of trained warriors and fitness instructors. No fights would occur as this nice old man convinces everyone to sit down for a cup of tea and a round of golf. Also, he’s an old man and one punch will break all of his old, old toad bones.
With the addition of Ken and Ryu, the gates are open to any other Street Fighter character we can dream of. But not Dan. He’s already embarrassed himself enough in his home series. Please do not force him into another fight. He won’t back down and may end up getting his ass kicked by Jigglypuff, further tarnishing the Hibiki family name.
Just who is Stanley, you may ask? Why, he’s the protagonist of Donkey Kong 3 — a game in which you try to kill a giant ape with a bug sprayer! Look, I understand that Donkey Kong is a pest that’s taking up residence in our greenhouses, transmitting all sorts of insects through his unwashed fur, but using bug spray on him just seems cruel. Call Mario instead to scare him off with a giant hammer.
Also, he wouldn’t make a good fighter because I think attacking someone with bug spray is some kind of homicidal act.
Gwyn, Lord of Sunlight
Once known as the Lord of Sunlight, Gwyn was a great warrior and god who ended the Age of Ancients and sacrificed himself to link the First Flame and usher in the Age of Fire in the original Dark Souls game. He helped annihilate the dragons, who once ruled over all existence before the time of humanity, and did feed himself as fuel to delay the Age of Dark for a thousand generations or more.
He would be completely overpowered and simply drudge up arguments about the state of the meta.
Reggie is a busy man. He is, of course, an incredibly skilled martial artist. That makes him a strong choice as an actual fighter in the Nintendo family. However, being a corporeal human man with real responsibilities, he can’t be expected to smash bros around at a moment’s notice. Reggie has meetings to attend and videos to be in! He once said a swear word at an E3 conference! He invented the Bigfoot pizza! We can’t have him stoop to suplexing Wario just because we the people demand (even deserve) to see it.
We already have Solid Snake, so we don’t need his genetic forebear to drop in, shoulder throw everyone to the ground, attach balloons to them, and spirit them off to Mother Base. We’d just end up with no fighters and one man crawling around in boxes, mumbling to himself about the horrors of war.
Leisure Suit Larry
You know what, on second thought, put Larry in this. I’d like to see that old creep get his ass kicked.