Survivor Series is one week away and all your favorite wrestlers have eyes in the back of their head. Time to catch up on who’s been ambushed, who might be pregnant, and who’s ready to get some more fingers in their mouth.
Ass Kicking Free For All
Survivor Series season is about showing up unannounced and indiscriminately beating up everyone in sight without a care in the world, which makes it truly the most pure of the big four. Monday night opened with a women’s tag title match where Charlotte replayed Natalya with Becky just like Marnie in the third Halloweentown, and nobody batted an eye. This was a good match, but two singles wrestlers challenging over actual tag teams is still annoying whether it happens to women or men, turns out. Becky and Charlotte got the upper hand here and it looks like Becky could become a double champ once more, but NXT mania struck again! Shayna Baszler, driven by the crazy amount of romantic tension experienced in last weeks interview with Lynch, came in from the crowd, distracting the champ. Not to be outdone, Bayley appeared in a killer white tee and skinny grey jeans combo and went after Baszler. Asuka used the distraction to get the win and retain the titles, then Bayley beat up Becky some more. Everybody got a Bayley whooping this week, and how lucky we are to see it.
15 Pound Babies!!!
Look, I know this is the only thing anyone really wants to talk about from Raw. There’s a lot to dissect in Lana’s incredible promo, from how good sex with Bobby Lashley is (good, guys. It’s good.) to her thrilling endorsement of monogamy. I was a staunch supporter of this story from the beginning, simply because of how bonkers it is, but I admit it’s even losing me at this point. That’s not to say I don’t pop for public faux pregnancy announcements, but that you have to do it with a little more finesse. Now we know Rusev is a sex addict and the marriage fell apart because he wanted kids and she didn’t, and the whole thing just feels a little uncomfy and a lot just weird.
Moral of the segment is don’t try to communicate with your ex-wife about her possible pregnancy, because she’s probably lying and you will get your ass kicked by her lover. Again. On national TV. This is most likely gonna blow off at Survivor Series with a flag match for the rights to Lana’s uterus or something. Actually, I probably shouldn’t give them any ideas.
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King Hours
Baron Corbin may have had the best year of anybody in WWE. The man took a stand for intergender wrestling by attacking Becky Lynch, impacted Chad Gable’s life so much he changed his name to honor Corbin’s wishes, and now debuted his musical prowess with a killer dog barking remix of Roman Reigns’ theme. Seth Rollins, Kenny Omega, and even Will Ospreay must wish they could reach the heights Corbin covered in 2019.
His newest goal is to captain team SmackDown for Survivor Series, hopefully so he can fit them all with some of those great game of thrones capes. Everybody’s favorite dog stands in his way, and also Ziggler, Roode, Gable, and Ali are here for some reason. Corbin’s goofy, sad brand of humor has weirdly worked in this feud with Reigns. Maybe I just have a low bar for comedy, but the little dog barking over the beats in Reigns’ theme got funnier the longer it played. Ali and Mr. G got the win last night over ZigRoode, cementing their place on Team SmackDown. Maybe we’ll get them all in those matching blue basketball outfits instead.
Yes, No, Hard Maybe
After eating the Fiend’s claw last week, Daniel Bryan sits down on MizTV to remind us all he’s vegan and not even into that sort of thing. He ran down Miz like Talking Smack reborn, saying he, Bray Wyatt, and probably mostly wrestlers in the world are mentally unstable. Bray appeared in the Funhouse and offered Bryan a chance at the title, but it’s leather, so he definitely doesn’t want any of that. Bryan and the puppets went back and forth a bit, until Bryan announced he wanted to fight Wyatt for the Universal Championship, which…. Is literally the same question Bray just asked him. Did I not understand this segment or is this some season 4 of Fringe weird ass writing? Anyway, Bryan vs Fiend for the title at Survivor Series. I guess that means Lesnar is taking the night off, which is probably the best decision to save face for both him and the Fiend. Hope it results in some more segments where he just reads boating magazines backstage and ignores whatever Heyman is talking to him about.
NXT Invades Yet Again
I know this is kind of the formula for Survivor Series, but man is it making Raw and SmackDown look dumb. How are they still not seeing these NXT attacks coming? It’s been two full weeks guys, get it together. The Revival and new SD champs The New Day were flabbergasted when NXT’s snotty sons, Undisputed Era, attacked during a rematch for the SD tag championships. UE beat down New Day and The Revival until the locker room had to come out and run them off. The main roster women proved themselves to be slightly more ready, although only after Bayley fell victim to like 5 Shayna Baszler attacks. After being ambushed by not only Baszler but also Mia Yim, Rhea Ripley, Tegan Nox, and Dakota Kai, Sasha Banks proposed an 8 women tag match to send NXT packing. This match was fun, and makes me very excited to see a full survivor series match with all these women. Nikki Cross ultimately got the win for SmackDown, the two teams brawled some more, and SD chased the younguns out of the ring.
Purple Step-Child Still Exists, Still Produces Good Wrestling
While technically a part of NXT now, 205 hasn’t been participating in any Survivor Series shenanigans, which actually made for a refreshing change this week. Instead of sneak attacks and lots of running away, we were treated to some incredible fashion looks, courtesy of Ariya Daivari’s new tights and Lio Rush’s killer leather duster. Not to mention Angel Garza’s tearaway pants, which remain the absolute height of horny wrestling fashion. The crowd chanted CM Punk for the pants reveal, which is maybe the worst sentence I’ve ever had to type.
Garza has been a great addition to 205 and a fantastic rival for Rush; this week’s NXT saw him almost capture the championship and blow a kiss to Lio’s wife, two legendary moves. I’m also a huge fan of his Instagram stories, where he makes breakfast shirtless and talks about sports, I think. Last night Garza bested Jack Gallagher, whose velvet boxing robe entrance gear is also competing for the greatest thing I’ve ever seen. The main event saw Rush team with Raul Mendoza to defeat Tony Nese and Ariya Daivari. Mendoza and Rush worked really well together, especially against a team who have partnered for much longer. Mendoza is another NXT addition who’s had the chance to shine on 205, with two back to back matches against Rush, and now a solid tag match.
WWE Banger of the Week: The OC vs. Randy Orton, Ricochet and Humberto Carrillo
I’m kind of cheating on this week’s banger, not because it wasn’t a good match, but because I’m picking it mostly for the fact that Humberto Carrillo finally got a win. But it’s my recap and I’m only human, look at the way his dimples sparkle when he smiles. He deserves this.
This was a fun match overall, even with the fact that Randy Orton is teaming with Ricochet and Carrillo for no reason at all. The OC are so solid as a team they can go against literally anyone, although I still need someone to explain that facepaint to me. Orton teased turning on Ricochet a few times, but ultimately stuck with his team and tagged in Carrillo, who got the win on Styles. Carrillo is a talented underdog who has been very fun to watch since getting called up a few weeks ago, but hasn’t done anything except lose in various ways. WWE has a history of struggling with not understanding that the concept of an underdog is it has to be somewhat believable that he’ll actually win, or else he’s just kind of a chump. Or, he’s sadly every other cruiserweight call up on the main roster. This is hopefully a sign of good things to come for Carrillo, and the handsome men he’s made friends with (Randall not included.)
