Welcome to the new beta.  Found a bug or issue? Report it here.

Have You Ever Felt Like Someone Was Hypnotizing You?

This important question and others in our latest podcast transcript!

On this week’s episode of Friends Reunion (a Podcast for Discerning Listeners™), John remains lost somewhere in the belly of an enormous cruise ship — almost certainly in the morgue, but not dead, crucially — just like, hangin’ out in there and looking through stuff. Meanwhile, LB and Niki decide to find out if they’re ready for the trenches of World War 1 by taking (enduring?) the Woodworth Psychoneurotic Inventory. It’s all in this handy transcript!

(You can also listen on Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts!)

What is the Woodworth Psychoneurotic Inventory, you ask? Well friend, it’s quite simply the first personality quiz ever made (by most accounts). Originally developed for the United States military, the test was “published in 1919 and … developed to screen recruits for shell shock risk but was not completed in time to be used for this purpose. It instead became widely used in psychological research and led to the development of many other personality tests. It has been described as ‘the linear ancestor of all subsequent personality inventories, schedules and questionnaires,'” according to Wikipedia.

That’s right, Buzzfeed owes its very existence to the Military Industrial Complex, if you think about it for the exact right amount of time, anyway. And hey, speaking of Buzzfeed, do you know about “vabbing?” We do now thanks to Buzzfeed, and boy howdy, lemme just recommend right now that you don’t listen to this one with your family.

Well, honestly, you probably shouldn’t listen to any episode of Friends Reunion with your family. We’re not gonna judge if you do, we definitely appreciate the download regardless, but you’d have to have a really special relationship with your parents to find out about vabbing together. Maybe your mom is a gynecologist! Maybe you’re a gynecologist. Actually hey, if you’re a gynecologist, slide into our Discord server, we’ve got some questions.

Friends Reunion Ep. 127: Queer Feelings in the Body Transcript

Transcribed by E. Powers

Niki: Hello, and welcome to Friends Reunion. Re– Frie– [laughs]

LB: We need to find a new name for this podcast. [Niki laughs] Hello.

Niki: Welcome to This Podcast is Currently Unnamed, but in your podcast feed, it says Friends Reunion. I’m Niki. With me, I have LB.

LB: Hi. Hello.

Niki: Jordan’s also here but not with a microphone. John–

LB: Jordan’s our producer, and John is in Alaska on a boat.

Niki: Yeah, in the morgue.

LB: In the morgue. The boat morgue.

Niki: Yeah, but like not dead, just like exploring.

LB: Just there. [laughs] Just in the morgue.

Niki: Yeah, just like hanging out and seeing what they have in there.

LB: Going, “Ooh! What do we have in here?”

Niki: “Ooh, is this formaldehyde?”

LB: I could totally picture John opening, like, you know the big fridge doors for morgue from TV?

Niki: Yeah, where the bodies are? Yeah.

LB: I can totally picture him opening one and going “Ooh!” You know how he only does that?

Niki: [laughs] Yeah, I can absolutely see that. This week, uh, we’re all…we all have been in our homes for a really long time, did not just walk in, and because of this, LB did not have to do any extra work earlier to figure out what the theme of this week’s episode is going to be. So LB, why don’t you tell everyone what the theme of this episode is that we all know and remember?

LB: We are gonna do some personality tests today.

Niki: Oh yeah!

LB: Starting with the Woodworth Psychoneurotic Inventory, which is, uh…

Niki: [intrigued] Mm.

LB: Was designed by the US Army during World War I to identify soldiers at risk for shell shock. It measures one scale: emotional instability.

Niki: Shell shock is what?

LB: That’s, uh, combat–

Niki: Is that just what they used to call PTSD?

LB: PTSD, yeah.

Niki: Okay. But like, they didn’t have those letters yet, so they were like, [LB laughs] “Aw, you got hit by a shell. You got shell shocked, huh?”

LB: I mean, like, they didn’t…like, honestly? Okay, here’s the thing about brain disorders. There’s some brain disorders that are in the brain, right?

Niki: Yes.

LB: And they can see it, and they’re like, okay, well, you got a brain, your brain’s problem. It’s having a problem, [Niki: “Yes”] and we can look at it and see it and identify it. And a lot– but most brain problems, like most illnesses, are just kind of clusters of symptoms that people see enough times so that they’re like, “Uhh, I think this might be a thing?”

Niki: This might be a thing. We might have fucked up the brain so bad that we made this.

LB: There’s a new thing, and a lot of people have it, and we’re calling it…February. [Niki laughs] That’s a name of a month, but that’s an example of something you might call a mental illness. [both laugh]

Niki: Ah, I just came down with a case of February, you know?

LB: I mean, they used to have all kinds of crazy ones. They had one called nostalgia, in like, when people started leaving their hometowns and moving to the cities to work, they got really sad.

Niki: That was nostalgia?

LB: Well, they all got really–

Niki: Oh.

LB: No, it was a new– it was a different thing.

Niki: Oh.

LB: They all got really sad, and they’re like, every– these people are like dying of being miserable, because they missed their families so much.

Niki: Yeah.

LB: Because they didn’t have like easy transportation then, to…they didn’t have like train yet.

Niki: Mm.

LB: So it was really hard to go home.

Niki: Ah, no train.

LB: To visit your family, yeah.

Niki: So they just like living in the rat-infested shit streets, and they couldn’t even go home.

LB: Yeah, with just like no friends or family.

Niki: Yeah.

LB: And they couldn’t go home.

Niki: I simply wouldn’t have moved to the city.

LB: Yeah, well that’s where job was, huh?

Niki: Ah, I’ll be unemployed. Live off the land.

LB: Yeah, you can be unemployed, live off the land with your– yeah. I mean, that’s the call, right? That’s the dream.

Niki: Yeah.

LB: But people believe– yeah, that’s the thing that happened, and they called it nostalgia for a while, and then they invented trains, and nostalgia went away, basically. [laughs]

Niki: Yep. No one’s been nostalgic for anything since.

LB: Well, the thing is then nostalgia has a new meaning, where it’s like, “Ooh, the beach boys! The fifties! [Niki laughs] Nostalgia! Remember the nineties?”

Niki: Remember the nineties.

LB: Like they were, people weren’t dying from lying in bed, going, “Ugh, remember Nickelodeon Guts [dying sound][Niki laughs] You know, that wasn’t what it was.

Niki: Damn. Not yet, though.

LB: “Do you remember Rocko?” [both laugh]

Niki: Rocko shouldn’t have moved to the city, live a modern life. If Roco stayed [LB: “Stayed in Australia”] in the pastoral times, yeah, he would’ve been fine.

LB: He would’ve been fine.

Niki: None of the issues that Rocko faced would’ve occurred.

LB: That’s really true. That is true.

Niki: Yeah. So modernization is the curse.

LB: Mm.

Niki: Mm. Make you think.

LB: Well, we’re gonna take this quiz and see…

Niki: Yeah.

LB: ‘Cause the thing is like, I’m pretty sure I would get pretty bad PTSD from being in World War I, honestly.

Niki: I also think I would get pretty bad PTSD from being in World War I.

LB: Knowing myself?

Niki: I looked up shell shock, [LB: “Uh huh”] and the picture of the guy who is the picture for shell shock, two things. One, he kind of looks like Zach Efron.

LB: Uh huh.

Niki: And two, he’s doing the thousand yard stare, but he looks like a wax figure because of how shitty camera used to be.

LB: Mm.

Niki: But he just looks like a wax statue of Zach Efron.

LB: Okay. So I have two instances of this quiz open.

Niki: Okay.

LB: Okay, Jordo wants to take the test too. I will send Jordo the quiz. I’m gonna…okay. So, I’m gonna be on the left. L for LB, left.

Niki: Mm-hmm. L for L for LB left.

LB: Okay, and then the right one is Niki. Okay.

Niki: Yes.

LB: Here’s the first question. Do you usually feel well and strong?

Niki: No. [laughs] Wait, what are the options?

LB: Yes and no.

Niki: Are they “yes or no”s? Okay.

LB: Do you usually sleep well?

Niki: No.

LB: Are you often frightened in the middle of the night?

Niki: Yes.

LB: Are you troubled with dreams about your work?

Niki: Yes.

LB: Do you have nightmares?

Niki: Yes.

LB: Do you have too many sexual dreams?

Niki: [laughs] What is too–

LB: I’m saying no.

Niki: How many is too many?

LB: Exactly. I’m saying no, ’cause I don’t think I have too many.

Niki: I’m gonna say no.

LB: I think I have just the right amount.

Niki: Yeah. I have the regular amount.

LB: Okay. Do you ever walk in your sleep? That’s a no for me.

Niki: No.

LB: I’m realizing I’m not– I should need to say my answers also, [Niki: “Yeah”] so the listeners can hear. Do you have the sensation of falling when going to sleep? Yes.

Niki: Sometimes, yes.

LB: Does your heart ever thump in your ears so that you cannot sleep?

Niki: No.

LB: I don’t know what that means. Me neither. Do ideas run through your head so that you cannot sleep?

Niki: Yes!

LB: Yes! My whole life.

Niki: [laughs] Yes. Can I check yes two times on that one?

LB: Do you feel well rested in the morning? [Niki laughs] No. That’s a no, I think.

Niki: That’s a no.

LB: Do your eyes often pain you?

Niki: Now, what does that mean?

LB: I don’t know. [laughs]

Niki: Like, do my eyes hurt?

LB: Do your eyes hurt, yeah. Do your eyes ever hurt?

Niki: I mean, my eyes hurt sometimes. I wouldn’t say often.

LB: Okay, I’m gonna say no for you. Uh, I’m gonna say yes for me, ’cause whenever I try to play a first person video game, my eyes pain me.

Niki: Mm.

LB: And it hurts, as how…that’s how pain works. Do things ever seem to swim or get misty before your eyes?

Niki: N– no.

LB: [laughs] No. Also no.

Niki: No. [laughs]

LB: See, those two questions I think are like less about emotional stability and more like, do you need glasses?

Niki: Yeah, do you need glasses?

LB: Okay. Do you often have the feeling of suffocating? No.

Niki: No.

LB: Do you have continual itchings in the face?

Niki: [laughs] No, I don’t. Do you?

LB: Me either. [laughs] No, I do not have continual itchings in the face. Are you bothered much by blushing?

Niki: Okay, do I blush too much? Or does other people blushing bother me? Is that– which one is the question asking?

LB: I’m assuming that because the questions, these are all about yourself.

Niki: Yes.

LB: So if you have a blushing problem. Do you have one?

Niki: I don’t think I have a blushing problem.

LB: Uh, I’m not bothered– I do blush a lot, but I’m not bothered by it. I think it’s endearing.

Niki: I blush a lot, but I don’t– yeah, I’m not like annoyed by it, yeah.

LB: Yeah, I think it’s great for me. Are you bothered by fluttering of the heart? No.

Niki: I would be if it happened.

LB: [laughs] Yeah, same. I think it means it’s something– is it like a thing that you, that vexes you, that frequently you experience?

Niki: Ah, frequently? No.

LB: Okay, no, same. Do you feel tired most of the time? Yes.

Niki: Yes. You can check that one six times.

LB: Have you ever had fits of dizziness? Yes.

Niki: Ever? Yeah.

LB: Yes, ever. [Niki laughs] Okay. Do you have queer unpleasant feelings in any– any part of the body?

Niki: Yeah, in my brain and the rest of my body.

LB: Same. [both laugh] Do you ever feel an awful pressure in or about the head?

Niki: [laughs] Um, yeah? Sometimes I get pretty bad pressure headaches.

LB: Yeah, I get headaches too. Okay. Do you ever have bad pains in any part of the body? Yes.

Niki: Yeah. Of course.

LB: Do you have a great many bad headaches? No. What about you? A great many?

Niki: A great many? No. A great many to me means like multiple a week.

LB: Is your head apt to ache on one side?

Niki: So is this asking, do I have migraines?

LB: Is that what it is?

Niki: Yes.

LB: Okay.

Niki: ‘Cause a migraine is only on– it’s localized to one side of your brain.

LB: Got it. See, I don’t get them, so I’m…

Niki: Ah, well, aren’t you cool?

LB: Have you ever fainted away?

Niki: To where? [both laugh]

LB: Just, have you ever fainted, I think it means, but like that’s how they used to say it in the olden times.

Niki: I fainted one time in middle school, because I–

LB: That counts.

Niki: We were doing a hold your breath contest.

LB: Wait, what?! [laughs]

Niki: Yeah, we were doing a hold your breath contest on the parking lot that was our, quote, “playground,” and I held my breath for too long, and then I fell and I hit my head on the metal bench, [LB, horrified: “Niki!”] and then I was knocked out for a while, and all of my friends thought I was doing a bit, but I wasn’t. I was just unconscious.

LB: Once I pretended to get knocked out, because I didn’t want to do PE anymore.

Niki: Did it work?

LB: Yeah, everyone believed me, and they thought I…

Niki: Hell yeah.

LB: They were like, “Oh, are you concussed?” And I wasn’t.

Niki: Wait, what did you “hit” your head on?

LB: I just pretended to hit my head on the back of a basketball hoop. Nobody really was looking at me.

Niki: What? Wait, how tall are you?

LB: [laughs] No, no, no, the bottom part, you know? The base? The base part?

Niki: [laughs] Oh, the post.

LB: The post.

Niki: Yeah, okay, okay, okay. [laughs] I was like, you hit your head on the backboard? That’s crazy! [both laugh]

LB: No, no, no. Okay, have you often fainted away? No.

Niki: No.

LB: Have you ever been blind, half blind, deaf, or dumb for a time?

Niki: I’ve been dumb sometimes.

LB: No, no, no, no, no, not that kind of dumb.

Niki: Oh, no.

LB: Have you unable to speak?

Niki: Oh! No.

LB: Like in, like from Tommy.

Niki: Oh, from Tom– Pickles?

LB: Yep. [laughs] From Tommy Pickles.

Niki: Oh.

LB: The musical. [laughs] The rock opera, Tommy Pickles by The Who. Everyone knows it, about the fucking baby. Have you ever had an arm or leg paralyzed? No.

Niki: No.

LB: Have you ever lost your memory?

Niki: Well, actually, actually…

LB: Oh?

Niki: Actually, yes. For me?

LB: [laughs] Okay.

Niki: Yes. [laughs]

LB: Uh, do you want to talk– you don’t have to talk about it.

Niki: Oh, it was when I had meningitis.

LB: Ohh.

Niki: My limbs were paralyzed.

LB: Okay, there you go. Have you ever lost your memory for a time?

Niki: Yes.

LB: Yes. I’m gonna assume since they say…yeah. Did you have a happy childhood?

Niki: Ah…

LB: Mm…

Niki: Nah…

LB: No. No.

Niki: No. Yeah, I’m gonna say no.

LB: Okay. Were you happy when 14 to 18 years old?

Niki: Oh, no, no. Incorrect. Wrong.

LB: I mean, compared to my childhood, I was, in a sense.

Niki: Oh, I don’t think I was.

LB: Okay. Were you considered a bad boy? [both laugh] And then in brackets, the website added, to change the time period, “or girl.”

Niki: Um, yeah.

LB: Yes.

Niki: I mean, I just had ADHD, but yes. [laughs]

LB: I also– I had– yeah, I was, yes. Yes. As a child, did you like to play alone better than to play with other children?

Niki: Uh, no.

LB: Also no. Okay. Because, follow up question, very important for my last…

Niki: Yeah.

LB: Did the other children let you play with them?

Niki: Ah, no.

LB: No! [both laugh]

Niki: Yeah, I didn’t like it, and they didn’t let me do it, so.

LB: So wait, you liked to play alone better? You did like to play alone better?

Niki: No, no, no. I wanted to play with people, but I didn’t play with people.

LB: Me too, but then they didn’t want to play with me. Okay, okay, okay.

Niki: Yes, yes, yes.

LB: Oh my gosh. ??? [Niki laughs] Okay. This is again another like, it says: “Were you shy with other boys,” and then in brackets, “or girls?”

Niki: [laughs] Yeah?

LB: ‘Cause, uh, they’ve added a second gender. [both laugh]

Niki: That like changes the question entirely.

LB: Though I guess I think they mean like what, whichever was yours.

Niki: Was yours?

LB: Whatever was yours.

Niki: Like, yes?

LB: Yes. Was I shy? Nah. Yeah, I mean, I felt shy, but I forced myself to overcome it.

Niki: Mm.

LB: Did you ever run away from home? No.

Niki: Mm-mm.

LB: Did you ever have a strong desire to run away from home?

Niki: Yes.

LB: No.

Niki: Oh my God, yeah, constantly.

LB: Has your family always treated you right?

Niki: No.

LB: I wanna say yes…no, they didn’t. I love them, but they did not. [Niki laughs] Did the teachers in school generally treat you right? Yes.

Niki: Generally?

LB: Yeah.

Niki: Are we saying that generally is more than half?

LB: Let’s say more than 70%.

Niki: Yes.

LB: Okay. Have your employers generally treated you right? No.

Niki: Yeah.

LB: Of all my employers? No. Fanbyte treats me right.

Niki: Yeah.

LB: But…

Niki: Yeah.

LB: Wait, are you saying yes?

Niki: For me, like no one has like…yeah, I’ll say yes, generally.

LB: Do you know of anybody who is trying to do you harm?

Niki: Oh fuck. That’s a wild question.

LB: You personally, not like a group of people you’re part of.

Niki: As far as I’m aware, no.

LB: Same. Do people find fault with you more than you deserve? I say no. People should find fault with me more often.

Niki: Yeah. I agree.

LB: That people should find fault with me more often? That’s nice.

Niki: No, no, no! [both laugh] [sarcastic] Yes, that is exactly what I meant.

LB: No, I’m just being a dick. [Niki laughs] Do you make friends easily?

Niki: Yeah.

LB: Uh, do I make friends easily?

Niki: Now I do. In the past? No, but now? Yeah.

LB: Do I make friends easily? Niki, do I make friends easily?

Niki: I mean, I didn’t know you, and then we became friends pretty quick.

LB: That’s true.

Niki: I think you can say yes.

LB: But we’re like– okay. [laughs] Okay, here we go. These are the– okay, I did warn you that it was gonna get spicy.

Niki: Yeah.

LB: I’m just gonna get spicy. Here we go. Are you ready?

Niki: Yeah.

LB: [laughing] Did you ever make love to a girl, in brackets, or a boy?

Niki: [laughs] Yes.

LB: Yes.

Niki: Now, that’s a– again, their addition makes the question a trap, ’cause if you checked “Yes, I made love to a boy,” they’re like, fucking got you.

LB: Well, the thing is–

Niki: You’re out.

LB: Okay, the brackets were…the original test from World War I times did not say “or boy.”

Niki: Oh!

LB: Yeah, yeah, yeah. The brackets questions are all, uh, like…

Niki: Oh, because now women can be soldier also.

LB: Well, I don’t think they ever used this for military. I think this is just for…

Niki: Oh.

LB: I don’t know. Maybe they did, but they added…

Niki: Well.

LB: I think they repurposed it to not just be for soldiers.

Niki: I see. Wow, it’s for everyone, like velcro.

LB: I’ve also made love, by the way, just for the record.

Niki: Yeah, for the record. Put it on the fucking books.

LB: [laughs] Yeah, everybody write it down. Jordo too, okay. [both laugh] Everybody on the podcast has. Great job.

Niki: Everybody except fucking John. You know what? He’s not here. Why didn’t John answer? Make you think.

LB: Yeah, John. [laughs quietly] Okay. Do you get used to new places quickly? No.

Niki: No. [laughs]

LB: Do you find your way about easily?

Niki: No. Like around like places?

LB: Yeah.

Niki: Uh…

LB: Do I have a map? I can read a map.

Niki: Yeah, I think that like…if you dropped–

LB: I’m gonna say yes, ’cause they probably…they know about map.

Niki: They know about map.

LB: There were maps in those days. So are you a yes, then?

Niki: Yeah, if you give me map, I can do it. Yes.

LB: I can do it too. ‘Cause some people can’t read map. Does liquor make you quarrelsome?

Niki: No, I don’t fight when I get drunk.

LB: Me neither. I get a little feisty, but not quarrelsome.

Niki: Yeah.

LB: Do you think drinking has hurt you?

Niki: No.

LB: Not in the long term, no.

Niki: Yeah, no.

LB: In the short term, yes.

Niki: Yes, yes, yes.

LB: [laughs] Do you think tobacco has hurt you? Yes.

Niki: Never fucking done it! Zero.

LB: Well, well, well.

Niki: Zero tobaccy.

LB: Okay. Do you think you have hurt yourself by going too much with women, in brackets, or men? No.

Niki: [laughs] Going where?

LB: You know.

Niki: No. [laughs]

LB: Going too much, you know. You know what they mean.

Niki: You know. Uh, no.

LB: Okay, but here’s where I don’t understand why hurt– hurt yourself? Hurt? I don’t understand what they mean by hurt, because the next question is: [both laugh] Have you hurt yourself by masturbation (self abuse)? In parentheses, not brackets, this is original.

Niki: Okay, wait, are they…is the other question asking have you fucked so much at any time that you hurt yourself? And then have you jacked off so many times [LB: “No, no, no, no, no”] or so much that you hurt yourself?

LB: Uh, or do they mean like you ever just did it? Did you do it at all, but it’s a harmful thing, so we’re calling it hurting.

Niki: Oh, but it’s a harmful thing, ’cause it’s the 18…it’s 1828. Like, does it– are you bothered by blushing?

Niki: Mm…

Niki: Are you hurt by…jackin’ off?

Niki: Well, if it is, “Have you ever done it?” then, yes. Have I ever hurt myself? Then, no.

LB: Okay. I have a…I’m gonna say no, ’cause it’s hurting.

Niki: Yeah.

LB: And I’m saying yes, due to carpal tunnel. [both laugh] Which I did not get from cranking off, but I have worsened by– ’cause you can’t just quit. You can’t just be like, “Okay, gotta rest my wrists.”

Niki: No. That’s like not a thing you can do.

LB: You can’t do that. You have to live your life. You have to…

Niki: It’s a process.

LB: It’s for your health. Okay.

Niki: People don’t– they don’t tell you this, like when you’re in sex ed, but like if anybody told me that like when you’re having sex you will physically become tired, I feel like I would have a way better or different relationship with it. But like, I kind of was under the impression that it was just like, ah, you do it, and it’s like not– there’s not really physical exertion. No, no, no. This shit’s like a process. Like, you have to put your body into it. And I think that they should tell kids…

LB: You just take breaks.

Niki: Yeah, but still. Like, I didn’t know that when you were having sex, sometimes you needed to take a break ’cause your body was tired.

LB: So, based on what you’re saying, is that person who tweeted that Beto was gonna give her leg cramps was actually doing a service.

Niki: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

LB: Because she was saying like, hey, you can get leg cramps during sex, just like running.

Niki: That is correct. That would’ve been helpful for me.

LB: Uh, Jordo wants to know when World War I happened.

Niki: [laughs] When I think World War I happened?

LB: Yes. Specifically that, yes.

Niki: [laughs] I think it was in the like, the twenties or thirties, ’cause I think World War II was during the forties…question mark?

LB: World War I ended–

Niki: Were they back to back?

LB: No.

Niki: Mm.

LB: World War I ended in 1919.

Niki: Mm.

LB: World War II was like late thirties.

Niki: I wasn’t there.

LB: To 1945, I think, or 46.

Niki: I wasn’t there, you know?

LB: You were close. You were close. Jordo wanted to make sure you had the right century, damn. Niki went to college! Niki knows things. Niki went to more college than me.

Niki: No, I did say it was like the 1800s earlier.

LB: Oh, okay. Oh, oh, I missed that.

Niki: On this very podcast.

LB: Okay, there’s another one that I don’t understand what it means?

Niki: Okay.

LB: Did you ever think you had lost your manhood? And then they added, because for all genders, “or womanhood.” I don’t know what that means!

Niki: What does that mean?

LB: What does that mean?! I never thought this, though, so the answer’s no.

Niki: No. Yeah, I’ve never thought this.

LB: [laughs] Because I don’t know what this means.

Niki: Yeah.

LB: Have you ever had any great mental shock? Yes.

Niki: Yes. Many.

LB: Have you ever seen a vision?

Niki: Yeah.

LB: Did you ever have the habit of taking any form of—in quotation marks—“dope”?

Niki: [laughs] Yes.

LB: Yes. Same here. [both laugh] Okay. Do you have trouble walking in the dark?

Niki: Dope is whatever you think it is. [both laugh]

LB: I guess it just means drugs.

Niki: Yeah.

LB: I guess heroin or marijuana. [laughs]

Niki: Yeah, or marijuana. Like, it could be anything. Anything. Those are the poles, and it could be anything in between.

LB: [laughs] Well, in those days, they thought…they were like, marijuana and heroin are the same. Actually, marijuana’s worse, because we can use heroin to help you with your pain.

Niki: Mm.

LB: But marijuana is evil, and it’s gonna make you have a million sex.

Niki: A million sex.

LB: A million sex.

Niki: Do you think– they should’ve– did you ever do DARE?

LB: Oh, of course. Yeah. DARE, I was in…

Niki: You were in the what? You were in DARE?

LB: I was in like the–

Niki: You were part of DARE?

LB: I was in the moment of DARE. I was like, the heyday of DARE was when I was in school.

Niki: What does DARE stand for again? Drugs are really excellent?

LB: Drug Abuse Resistance Education.

Niki: Oh.

LB: I can’t believe I remember it. My DARE officer got in the news, because he drove drunk and crashed his car into a building. [laughs quietly]

Niki: That’s not funny, but that’s objectively funny because of his job.

LB: [laughs] It is so funny. DARE was fake.

Niki: Yeah, no, I didn’t do DARE.

LB: I think DARE made us want to do drugs.

Niki: Yeah, ’cause you learned about what the drugs were and like what they did exactly and specifically what they did to you.

LB: Well, except they totally lied to us about what they did.

Niki: Oh.

LB: Yeah, they were like, LSD is–

Niki: Wait, what did they say weed would do?

LB: Okay, they couldn’t really lie to us about weed that much.

Niki: Mm-hmm. [both laugh]

LB: Except that like, “It’s gonna make you lazy, and it’s not addictive, but it’s kind of habit forming, and it makes you boring and uncool and lazy and boring.”

Niki: Wrong. Incorrect.

LB: And it’ll show you…it’ll lead you to all kinds of other drugs, ‘cause it’ll get you in with the bad crowd.

Niki: Oh, it’s a gateway.

LB: And then you’ll be doing…then you’ll be doing LSD, and you’ll think maggots are under your skin, [Niki laughs] and then you’ll jump out the window and die.

Niki: Whoa!

LB: ‘Cause you also did angel dust, which does the same thing. [both laugh]

Niki: Damn, drugs seem cool.

LB: Jordo apparently was told that weed is super addictive.

Niki: Mm.

LB: Yeah, they couldn’t do that to us. They couldn’t tell us that in LA.

Niki: I didn’t– they never told us– and I like didn’t even know where to get weed.

LB: [laughing] They didn’t tell us where to get weed.

Niki: I still don’t know where to get most drugs.

LB: They didn’t tell us here’s where you buy drugs, here’s the kid who sells drugs.

Niki: But I didn’t even know that I could ask a person to buy weed for me. You know? Like I just didn’t know about drug at all, even though I had been taking an amphetamine [laughs] for so long.

LB: Oh, but wait, weed…medicinal marijuana was legal…

Niki: When I was in school.

LB: When you were in school.

Niki: Yeah, but I didn’t know any 18 year olds.

LB: Wow. That’s so different. Like, I knew, like, I had a…I had weed dealers.

Niki: Mm. I mean, so did most of my–

LB: Who were kids who bought weed from other weed dealers.

Niki: Most of the other people in my class had dealers.

LB: Yeah.

Niki: But not me.

LB: Not you, huh?

Niki: I still don’t. If you were like, “Niki, where do you get cocaine right now?” I couldn’t– I’d be unable to produce cocaine for you.

LB: I could do it.

Niki: Damn.

LB: I would have to do some very rude DMing, [Niki laughs] ’cause I would have to DM a lot of people I know in the comedy scene who are now sober.

Niki: Yeah. Mm. Yeah, that’s tough.

LB: [laughing] Listen, I know you’re sober. Congratulations. [Niki laughs] Do you know where I could buy cocaine?

Niki: It’s for a dare. They asked me if I could find any, and I have to ask you.

LB: It’s for a DARE-related dare. [Niki laughs] Yeah.

Niki: Jordan says that DARE always told him that people are going to approach you and try to sell you drugs, which never happened.

LB: Yeah, no, it doesn’t happen. That’s not a thing that happens.

Niki: That’s never happened to me either.

LB: No.

Niki: It would be cool, though.

LB: I would love that.

Niki: Maybe we should start walking around offering to sell people drugs to make true the DARE teachings.

LB: Now, how do you see that going?

Niki: I mean, if I’m talking to an adult, probably fine, ’cause like I’m not gonna stop moving.

LB: What if they say yes?

Niki: Well, I’m– okay, so here’s how I envision it happening.

LB: Okay.

Niki: There’s two people walking on the street, and we’re walking in opposite directions, right?

LB: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Niki: As I approach them, I’m like, “Hey, do you want to buy any drugs?” but I don’t stop to hear the answer. I keep going.

LB: What if they turn around and follow you and say, “Yes. Hello. Excuse me? Excuse me, [Niki laughs] I really want some of those drugs that you were talking about. Can you tell me more about what drugs you have on offer?”

Niki: But then I have headphones on, so like I can’t hear them.

LB: What if they grab your shoulder and they shake it and they say, “Excuse me!”

Niki: [laughs quietly] And I say, “Yes? Hello?”

LB: “You offered drugs. Hi, yeah, you said something about drugs?”

Niki: Oh, that was someone else. That was someone else.

LB: [laughs] No, that was you! We’re the only people on the street.

Niki: [laughs] I have to– I’m sleeping.

LB: [laughs] See, I don’t think this is going great for you, Niki.

Niki: [laughs] Yeah, I guess this would be pretty bad.

LB: [laughs] Okay.

Niki: Well.

LB: You ready for the next question?

Niki: Yes. Hit me.

LB: Do you have trouble walking in the– do you have trouble in walking in the dark?

Niki: Like outside of the normal amount of trouble that a person would have walking in the dark ’cause it’s dark?

LB: I don’t– I’m saying yes, because it’s dark and I can’t see. [laughs]

Niki: Yeah, it’s dark. I assume that I can’t see, so yes.

LB: Okay, huge– this is a big leap from the last question.

Niki: [laughs] Okay.

LB: Have you ever felt as if someone was hypnotizing you and making you act against your will?

Niki: [laughs] No.

LB: Have I felt that way?

Niki: I’ve never been hypnotized.

LB: I ever felt as if someone was hyp–

Niki: Did you ever go to a magic show?

LB: Yeah. I actually like, okay. If some– I have seen people try to do this, and it’s very embarrassing for them, but I’ve never felt that someone was doing it successfully.

Niki: Mm. Yeah, no, I’ve…

LB: Are you ever bothered by the feeling that people are reading your thoughts? No.

Niki: No. I wish people were reading my thoughts.

LB: Really?

Niki: Yeah, ’cause then I wouldn’t have to go through the effort of like trying to get them out.

LB: Oh, that’s interesting. Do you ever have a queer feeling as if you were not your old self? Yes.

Niki: Yeah, which is to say before I was not queer, now I am queer. We did it.

LB: Ayy!

Niki: Ayy! [starts imitating air horn and stops abruptly]

LB: [imitates air horn] Are you trying to get a…like a noise machine out so you can do it?

Niki: No, it’s okay.

LB: Oh, okay. Were you trying–

Niki: I don’t even know where my phone is.

LB: Okay.

Niki: I was looking for my phone, but I can’t find it. [both laugh quietly]

LB: Are you ever bothered by a feeling that things are not real? Yes.

Niki: Yes.

LB: Really? You too?

Niki: Yeah.

LB: That’s crazy.

Niki: Sometimes I–

LB: Are you troubled with the idea that people are watching you on the street? Yes.

Niki: Oh. No.

LB: Good for you.

Niki: Thanks.

LB: Are you troubled with the fear of being crushed in a crowd? Yes.

Niki: No.

LB: Does it make you uneasy to cross a bridge over a river? How high is the bridge?

Niki: How high is the bridge and how big is the river?

LB: Exactly. I’m gonna say no.

Niki: Like, when I was driving– I cross a bridge every day to get– I’m gonna say no also.

LB: Okay.

Niki: I cross a bridge every day to get to like…to like go home around places.

LB: Mm-hmm.

Niki: But then like when I– I went to Newport over the weekend, and that bridge is fucking huge. And I was like, well, Barley and I are gonna fucking– there’s gonna be an earthquake here in Rhode Island, and the bridge is gonna shake and explode like that one bridge in the past. You remember what– you know which one I’m talking about. I felt more secure going over the Golden Gate bridge than I did going over this bridge, which was shorter and closer to the water.

LB: The Golden Gate bridge, though. Like if that one gets fucked up, like that’d be so embarrassing for California.

Niki: Yeah.

LB: Like, they really need to keep that one safe.

Niki: Exactly. It’s like it’s the most important one.

LB: Like, unnamed bridge? They don’t really care about those so much.

Niki: Yeah.

LB: Okay. Does it make you uneasy to go into a tunnel? No.

Niki: No.

LB: Does it make you uneasy to have to cross a wide street or open square? Yes.

Niki: Mmm…no.

LB: Good for you. Wow. Look at you go.

Niki: I’ll cross a street.

LB: Does it make you uneasy to sit in a small room with the door shut? Yes.

Niki: Define small.

LB: Small as of 1918.

Niki: So, can I lay down or not?

LB: You can lay down, but you probably can’t do much more than that.

Niki: If I can lay down, I think I’m fine.

LB: Okay. Do you usually know just what you want to do next? No.

Niki: No.

LB: Do you worry too much about little things? Yes.

Niki: Yes.

LB: Do you think you worry too much–

Niki: Damn, LB, I think we’re gonna have whatever this disease…

LB: Yeah, I think they’re gonna say, “You’re bad. [both laugh] You can’t come to army.” Do you think you worry too much when you have an unfinished job on your hands?

Niki: Yes.

LB: If I can remember it, yes. [Niki laughs] There’s a very good chance I have no idea it exists, though. Do you think you have too much trouble in making up your mind? No.

Niki: Uh, no. Past me, yes, but I’m more decisive now.

LB: Can you do good work while people are looking on? Absolutely not.

Niki: No. Christ, no.

LB: Once I failed to count the register at a retail job I was working, because the supervisor who was watching me was like really scary.

Niki: Mm. Yeah, that makes sense.

LB: So my ability to count coins failed.

Niki: I just would’ve been like, “It’s $30, I think. I don’t know.” [both laugh]

LB: Do you get rattled easily? Yes.

Niki: Ye…no…uh…no.

LB: No. I think you’re pretty [clicks tongue].

Niki: Yeah.

LB: Okay. Can you sit still without fidgeting?

Niki: No.

LB: Mm… [laughing] considering the fact that I’m currently playing with a…

Niki: Yeah, what’s in your hands? [both laugh]

LB: Hand check.

Niki: Hand check!

LB: I am playing with, uh, you know the fancy little scissors they used to cut [snips scissors] the wick of a candle?

Niki: Yes.

LB: I am playing with those.

Niki: You have one of those?

LB: Yeah.

Niki: I apparently, I guess I was folding laundry earlier, and the cloth– I washed the cloth thing that goes in my hamper.

LB: Uh huh.

Niki: And that was on my desk, and it has elastic on it, and I’ve just kind of been pulling it back and forth the entirety of the time we’ve been doing this. [laughs] So, no, I cannot.

LB: Okay, I’m just gonna answer the next one yes for both of us. Does your mind wander badly so that you lose track of what you are doing?

Niki: Mm-hmm. Yes.

LB: Does some particular useless thought keep coming into your mind to bother you? [both laugh]

Niki: Yeah.

LB: That’s my whole–

Niki: Yeah, of course. That’s my entire existence.

LB: That’s every thought on my mind. That’s this podcast. [both laugh] Oh, can you do the little chores of the day without worrying over them?

Niki: No!

LB: No! This is like, they just put an ADHD test in the middle of this.

Niki: Yeah. That’s wild.

LB: Do you feel you must do a thing over several times before you can drop it? Uh…

Niki: Uh…

LB: Like a task? No.

Niki: Like a task?

LB: Like playing with scissors? Yes. [Niki laughs] I think they mean a task.

Niki: No, I can…I feel like I– if I can get to it, I can do it.

LB: Okay. Are you afraid of responsibility?

Niki: Yes.

LB: Yes. Do you feel like jumping off when you are in a high place? No.

Niki: No.

LB: Are you troubled at night with the idea that somebody is following you? No.

Niki: No.

LB: Do you find it difficult to pass urine in the presence of others? Yes.

Niki: [laughs] Yeah. Yeah, I do. That question is an extremely weird turn.

LB: [laughs] Okay. You ready for the next turn?

Niki: Okay.

LB: Do you have a great fear of fire?

Niki: What? [both laugh]

LB: Listen, these are the three main– these are the three like, the three pillars of mental health: Is someone following me? Can I piss? And am I scared of fire?

Niki: [laughs] I’m not afraid of fire.

LB: And with that–

Niki: I’m like, I think I’m regular afraid of fire. I don’t have a great fear of it.

LB: Yeah, I have a normal fear of fire. Okay. And you know who else has a fear of fire? Our sponsor.

[ad break]

Niki: [slightly hushed] Hey. I feel like I treat these places like libraries, you know?

LB: I mean, this is a very small waiting room, so I don’t blame you. What’s up, Niki?

Niki: Hey.

LB: I didn’t know you went to see Dr. Jordo.

Niki: Yeah, me– I’ve been seeing Dr. Jordo for years.

LB: Dr. Jordo’s the best therapist I’ve ever had.

Niki: Yeah. Dr. Jordo’s never mentioned you, not once.

LB: Well, I mean, that’s doctor/patient confidentiality, you know. Dr. Jordo’s never mentioned you either.

Niki: But I feel like– but do you think Dr. Jordo knows?

LB: That we know each other?

Niki: Yeah.

LB: Probably not. I mean, unless you talk about me a lot in your therapy with Dr. Jordo.

Niki: No, because when I’m in therapy, I’m usually listening to Fanbyte’s Channel F podcast, which is a podcast about video games, every week.

LB: See, I don’t listen to it during therapy, ’cause that’s kind of a waste of my therapy money. What I do is I listen to it on my way to and from therapy, to get me in that [Niki: “Ohh”] right mind space, thinking about video games, all my favorite games, the new games, the old games.

Niki: Chess.

LB: Chess, backgammon, [Niki laughs] Mario, Gilgamesh. The classics.

Niki: The classics. They should make a Gilgamash game.

LB: Gilgamesh is in Fate, you know, the horny thing?

Niki: Yeah. Is he good?

LB: Cute.

Niki: Oh.

LB: Real cute. I don’t know if good.

Niki: Well.

LB: Anyways. You know who does know if Gilgamesh is good or not in Fate?

Niki: Who?

LB: The people on Channel F.

Niki: Whoa!

LB: And they’ll tell you all about it. They still play some games, but they talk [Niki: “Yep”] about video games, and you can know what’s good, what’s bad, [Niki: “Mm-hmm”] what all your favorite Fanbyte personalities are thinking about the video games of today and yesteryear.

Niki: But mostly today.

LB: Do you think I can just drink as much tea as I want? Do you think I can take these tea bags with me?

Niki: That’s tea?

LB: Yeah, I see these big boxes of tea that say “tea, take some,” smiley face in Jordo’s handwriting?

Niki: But I think it’s like take some, like to drink it here.

LB: Oh, so I can’t just take it with me home?

Niki: I don’t think it means like take it away.

LB: Mm.

Niki: Well, no, ’cause then he’s–

LB: What about these magazines?

Niki: No, those we have– the Highlights and National Geographic Kids magazines have to stay here.

LB: Mm, damn.

Niki: Yeah.

LB: So the children have something to read.

Niki: Yeah.

LB: That makes sense. Well, I guess at least I’ve got Channel F to keep me company, which is better than [Niki: “That’s true”] any magazine, especially National Geographic, which isn’t that informative, [Niki laughs] not like Channel F, my favorite podcast about video games. Listen to it on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Stitcher, fanbyte.com/podcasts.

Niki: Deezer. Floomby.

LB: Weezer. [both laugh] Quibi.

[break ends]

Niki: Wow. Thank you so much, John Cena, for talking about your fear of fire. We really appreciate and respect your openness.

LB: It’s really normal and healthy. [hums John Cena theme]

Niki: He had a really hard time filming that movie where he was a firefighter, ’cause he was afraid. [LB laughs] They had to keep telling him like, “We’re gonna add the fire in later. Literally nothing is on fire. There’s just gonna be computer fire.” And he just couldn’t…he was weeping the whole time.

LB: Do you ever feel a strong desire to go and set fire to something? No.

Niki: No.

LB: Do you ever feel–

Niki: Uh… [both laugh]

LB: I mean, you could say yes. I’m afraid of open– of crossing an open square.

Niki: A strong desire?

LB: Yeah, a strong desire.

Niki: No. Sometimes– okay, no. No.

LB: Yeah, not like, “Oh, wouldn’t it be funny if I set fire to that?” [laughs]

Niki: Yeah, that’s what I think a lot.

LB: Do you ever feel a strong desire to go steal things?

Niki: Yes. Yeah.

LB: I don’t know if I ever feel a strong desire to go steal things. Did you ever–

Niki: I love stealing.

LB: I know you do, and that’s good, and I think you should.

Niki: I’m like Winona Rider, except I haven’t been canceled yet.

LB: But Winona Rider got uncanceled, right? From stealing?

Niki: Yeah. It just took her a long time. She stole too early when stealing wasn’t cool.

LB: And also, why did she even get canceled?

Niki: ‘Cause she stole, and everyone was like, “Oh, she’s a fucking klepto.”

LB: “Stealing’s not cool.” But stealing is cool, actually.

Niki: Stealing is so cool.

LB: And Winona Rider’s always been cool.

Niki: Mm-hmm.

LB: And Gweneth Paltrow, you’re on notice for stealing her career.

Niki: Yeah.

LB: That’s the wrong kind of stealing. [someone tuts] And now look who’s cool and who’s a fucking cringelord?

Niki: Yeah.

LB: That’s right.

Niki: Look who has a jade egg in your uterus?

LB: How’d you get it in there, Gweneth?

Niki: How’d you get it in there? What are you doing?

LB: How’d you get it in there? Did you ever have the habit of biting your fingernails? Yes.

Niki: Yes.

LB: Did you ever have the habit of stuttering? No.

Niki: No.

LB: Did you ever have the habit of twitching your face, neck, or shoulders? I don’t know if that’s really a habit, but no.

Niki: That’s, yeah. Twitch, no. I would do the thing where like I would put the…I would put my foot on the floor, and then I would like shake my leg. You know what I’m talking about?

LB: That’s not twitching.

Niki: Yeah.

LB: Yeah, I know that, bounce– leg bouncing?

Niki: Leg bouncin’. Yeah.

LB: Yeah, that’s normal. Did you ever have the habit of wetting the bed? I mean, when I was a baby.

Niki: Yes. Well, not past when I was a baby.

LB: Okay. I’m saying no, ’cause it was only when I was a baby.

Niki: Mm.

LB: Have you ever been unfaithful to a girl—in brackets, ’cause they added a second gender [Niki laughs]—or boy?

Niki: No.

LB: Yes. Are you troubled with shyness? Yes.

Niki: No.

LB: Have you a good appetite?

Niki: No.

LB: Yes. Is it easy to make you laugh?

Niki: Yes.

LB: Yes. [both laugh]

Niki: See?

LB: Is it easy to get you angry? Yes.

Niki: No.

LB: Mm, no, ’cause I just looked at the next question, and the next question’s my yes.

Niki: Mm.

LB: Is it easy to get you cross or grouchy? Yes.

Niki: No for me also.

LB: You’re in such a– oh wait, I put no for angry for you. That should be a no. I mean, I put– yeah, okay. Do you get tired of people quickly? Mmm, yes.

Niki: Mmm, yes.

LB: Do you get tired of amusements quickly?

Niki: Now, what does that mean?

LB: I don’t know. [both laugh] Like, it’s 1919.

Niki: Yeah, like, anything that’s fun?

LB: Like, amusements were bad then, you know? [both laugh] Like, they didn’t have Mario yet. It’s like, “Oh, I tire of playing throw the ball at the milk bottles.” Like yeah, of course you get tired of them. I’d get tired of those too.

Niki: Yeah, I’m gonna say no.

LB: I’m gonna say no. Do you get tired of work? Yes.

Niki: Yes.

LB: Do your interests change frequently?

Niki: No, I’m an adult now.

LB: Yes, mine do. Do your feelings keep changing from happy to sad and from sad to happy without any reason? Yes.

Niki: Sometimes, so yes.

LB: Do you feel sad or low spirited most of the time? Yes.

Niki: Uh…that’s the first one where I’m like, I’m in the middle.

LB: Yeah, that’s fair.

Niki: So I’m gonna say yes. [LB hums] Yes. Lately? Yes.

LB: I’m skipping one that’s a bummer, and I’m just gonna put no on it.

Niki: Okay.

LB: I just don’t want to do this one. Okay. Did you ever have St. Vitus’ dance?

Niki: Uh…I’m gonna say yes. [laughs]

LB: In brackets, it says Sydenham’s chorea, you would know.

Niki: Oh, oh.

LB: So I guess I, no.

Niki: So no, I don’t have it. Yeah, cholera. [laughs] I did own a copy of Love in the Time of Cholera. Does that count?

LB: No.

Niki: Mm.

LB: Did you ever have convulsions? No.

Niki: Ever? Yes.

LB: Yeah. Did you ever have heart disease? Yes.

Niki: No.

LB: Did you ever have anemia, badly?

Niki: Now…huh.

LB: Not badly.

Niki: Not bad, no. I’m gonna say no also.

LB: Did you ever have dyspepsia? In brackets: indigestion. Yes.

Niki: Yes. Dis Pepsi, uh, hurtin’.

LB: [laughs] The next one is a yes for both of us. Did you ever have asthma or hay fever?

Niki: Yes.

LB: Did you ever have–

Niki: Wow, they used to think those were the same?

LB: Uh…no. They just have put them together in one question.

Niki: Mm.

LB: Did you ever have a nervous breakdown?

Niki: Yes.

LB: I’ll say yes as well. Have you been afraid of going insane? Yes.

Niki: Yes.

LB: Has any of your family been insane, epileptic, or feeble minded? [laughs]

Niki: No.

LB: Also no. Uh…has any of your family had a drug habit?

Niki: No.

LB: No. Has any of your family been a drunkard? [Niki laughs] Yes.

Niki: No also.

LB: Can you stand the sight of blood? Yes.

Niki: Yeah. Well…yeah. Yeah.

LB: Can you stand pain quietly?

Niki: No.

LB: Yeah, I’m very whiny. Can you stand disgusting smells? No, absolutely not.

Niki: No.

LB: Do you like outdoor life?

Niki: No.

LB: No. Okay. We’re gonna find out. We’re both “sex: other.”

Niki: Uh huh.

LB: Age 33.

Niki: 26.

LB: Were your answers accurate and can they be used for research? No.

Niki: No. [laughs]

LB: You’re 26? No, okay. Here we go. Getting results.

Niki: Hell yeah. I can’t wait to find out what city I’m gonna live in when I’m 38.

LB: [laughs] Okay.

Niki: It’s gonna be so exciting.

LB: I got a 57 out of 116, and you got a 58 out of 116.

Niki: Whoa! Jordan got a 51.

LB: Yeah, Jordo got a 51. We’re so– wow. Okay.

Niki: So wait, what does that mean? What’s the…is it like over half?

LB: The normal range is 20 to 55.

Niki: Whoa– oh. What? That’s a huge range.

LB: So we are just worse than normal.

Niki: That’s a really big range though, I feel like.

LB: Yeah, it is. It is.

Niki: 20, like 35– or no, 33 points?

LB: It used to be much lower! [laughs]

Niki: Oh, I see.

LB: In 1930, the average was like around 19.

Niki: Oh, okay. So, yeah.

LB: Today, the averages are 32 and 39.

Niki: Oh, so we’re over.

LB: Yeah, we’re over. We’re more psychoneurotic than average.

Niki: That’s cool. I mean, I knew that already.

LB: I also knew that, yeah.

Niki: But I’m glad that there’s a test that can tell us. Jordan says that people who scored higher than 20 should be suspected of instability. Well.

LB: Well. You know, where did you see that, Jordo? It doesn’t say that on mine. Where does it say that? Oh, okay, okay, okay. Got it. Got it, got it. It does say that, yes.

Niki: Okay. I have a quiz for you.

LB: UMMM, it also says the average White individual scored only 10.

Niki: Uh huh. Okay! Now, is that the only racial qualification they make in the entire thing?

LB: Okay, here’s what it says. Franz, 1919, reported that the average White—capital W—individual scored only 10 and recommended that people who scored higher than 20 should be suspected of instability. What?

Niki: All right. Well. All right.

LB: What does that mean?

Niki: I don’t know. I don’t know what that means.

LB: I thought, when I was skimming it, I thought that White was a name ’cause of the capital W?

Niki: No, it’s, uh, racism.

LB: But no, it’s weird, old-timey racism.

Niki: Yeah.

LB: Damn. They snuck that in there.

Niki: That’s how they get you. It’s all eugenics.

LB: I scanned the whole thing, and I’m like, this– I’m like, I can’t believe it, it’s not racist. [Niki laughs] Like, this is amazing.

Niki: I can’t believe it’s not racist.

LB: [laughing] I can’t believe it’s not racist. And then it was! They got us!

Niki: LB.

LB: They fuckin’ got us in the end with the racism.

Niki: They fucking got us. I have a question. First of all, what roast do you prefer? Dark roast, medium roast, light roast, mixed roast, I don’t mind, I don’t drink coffee.

LB: Uh…it depends.

Niki: Well…

LB: So, I don’t mind.

Niki: Okay, you don’t mind. I don’t drink coffee. Okay. Quick, you want a bagel to go with your coffee.

LB: Uh huh.

Niki: Which one do you want? Plain, please. [laughs] What if the New York City subway guy… [laughs] Do you think he like goes to restaurants and stuff and people stop him?

LB: Who are you talking about?

Niki: The New York City subway guy, who like, the guy who says “Stand clear of the closing doors, please.”

LB: Oh, that guy! Yeah, yeah, yeah, the voice actor.

Niki: The voice of the train. You think he like gets stopped?

LB: [laughs] The train’s voice actor. [Niki laughs] Like, “Oh my God, it’s you.”

Niki: I’m the voice of the train. Okay. You gotta get a bagel: plain, everything–

LB: It’s gonna be a poppy seed bagel with double cream cheese, [Niki: “That’s not an option, sorry] lox, onion, tomato.

Niki: No, not an option. Plain, everything, cinnamon raisin, [LB: “Ew”] one with avocado, I don’t like bagels, I don’t want a bagel.

LB: It’s everything.

Niki: I’m going to select cinnamon raisin.

LB: Gross.

Niki: Yeah. Yeah. You’re also– pick a cake pop.

LB: I don’t eat that.

Niki: Unicorn.

LB: No.

Niki: Chocolate.

LB: Nope.

Niki: Cookies and cream.

LB: Mm-mm.

Niki: Birthday cake.

LB: Mm-mm.

Niki: I want a brownie instead.

LB: I want a brownie instead.

Niki: I don’t want any of this. [both laugh]

LB: I want a brownie instead.

Niki: I also want a brownie instead. Thank you. Okay. Ah, man, I thought we were gonna be able to get through it without it being obvious what kind of quiz this was.

LB: Is it what city do you want to live in?

Niki: Which coffee sounds to you? Espress– wait, no, no, no. Espresso con panna, almond milk honey flat white, white chocolate mocha, cinnamon dolce latte, or I want tea instead, [LB laughs] or are you just here for the food?

LB: Uh, the first one?

Niki: Okay. I’m just here for the food. Ah, no, I’ll get tea. Which tea sounds best? Chai, Royal English breakfast, matcha, honey citrus mint, peach tranquility, I don’t want tea. [both laugh]

LB: Matcha?

Niki: Matcha, okay. I will pick peach tranquility. Uh oh!

LB: I could tell ’cause the way you read out peach tranquility.

Niki: [laughs] Uh oh, you forgot about the sandwiches! Which one do you want? Ham and swiss on a baguette, tomato and mozzarella on focaccia, chicken and bacon on brioche, crispy grilled cheese.

LB: Is this like what do I order at Panera? What is this quiz?

Niki: I don’t know.

LB: Read the–

Niki: Turkey, provolone, and pesto on ciabatta bread; or I didn’t look at the sandwiches, I saw a cute barista behind mine, winky face.

LB: It’s that last one.

Niki: Okay. I’m also selecting that one.

LB: [laughs] No, that’s not true. What were the sandwiches again?

Niki: [laughs] Ham and swiss.

LB: No.

Niki: Tomato and mozz.

LB: Eh.

Niki: Chicken and bacon on brioche.

LB: No.

Niki: Crispy grilled cheese; or turkey, provolone, and pesto.

LB: I think it’s gonna be hot barista for me.

Niki: Hot barista for you, okay. I went with chicken and bacon on brioche.

LB: Yeah, that doesn’t sound good.

Niki: Okay. Your barista forgot to ask what size coffee/tea you wanted. Which size do you say?

LB: Big. Biggest one.

Niki: Those are not options. I would like a grande, please; I would like a venti, please; I would like a trenta, please; I would like a tall, please; I would like a short, please; I didn’t order a drink.

LB: Venti, ’cause I’m not ordering a trenta, because I don’t– that’s ridiculous.

Niki: They also don’t give you hot drinks in trenta.

LB: Wait, am I at Starbucks?

Niki: Maybe!

LB: ‘Cause I actually wouldn’t want a venti, ’cause I don’t like Starbucks.

Niki: You already said it, so [LB: “Damn”] I’ve already clicked it, and I can’t go back.

LB: Okay.

Niki: I selected trenta. Oh, also, you’ve gotta customize your drink. Do you remember what your drink was? I don’t. Which milk would you like for your coffee? Oat, coconut, regular, I’d rather have heavy cream instead, soy, or none.

LB: I’d rather have heavy cream instead. Let’s clog these arteries.

Niki: I got tea. I got peach tea, so none. How much foam do you want? All of it, none, extra milk foam, light milk foam, I told you I am just here for the food, surprise me. [both laugh]

LB: All of it.

Niki: [laughs] “All of itttt” has– the T has four Ts and there are three exclamation points.

LB: [laughs] This is a really good quiz.

Niki: I’ve selected none. Which flavoring would you like? Holy shit. How– is this quiz as long as the one we just did.

LB: [laughs] I think it is.

Niki: No, there’s two more questions. [laughs]

LB: Okay.

Niki: Which flavoring would you like? Brown sugar syrup–

LB: Does the quiz determine whether or not you’re fit for duty to serve in the US Military? [both laugh] Your Starbucks order does determine your ability to serve in the US military at this point. I’m sorry, what were you asking me?

Niki: Brown sugar syrup, caramel syrup, peppermint syrup, toffee nut syrup, vanilla syrup, cinnamon dolce syrup.

LB: I can’t say none of these?

Niki: No, sorry. [laughs]

LB: For my– what did I get? For whatever my like fancy latte is?

Niki: I don’t remember. Yes.

LB: Read them again.

Niki: You got a matcha. You got a matcha.

LB: That was for my tea. What was my coffee? I picked a coffee too.

Niki: Oh, your coffee.

LB: Yeah, I’m not putting cinnamon dolce syrup in my matcha.

Niki: You got an espresso con panna.

LB: Okay. Um…cinnamon dolce, ’cause that was in the– I liked that in the Ariana Grande Starbucks drink that she did for a little while.

Niki: Yeah.

LB: Do you remember that? That was so good.

Niki: I do remember that. I got tea, again, so all of these are bad for me.

LB: Mm.

Niki: But I guess I will pick brown sugar.

LB: That will be disgusting, but go for it.

Niki: I mean, what are– what’s my other option? [LB sighs] It’s peach flavored tea.

LB: Yeah, I think it’s gotta be the brown sugar.

Niki: It has to be brown sugar. How many pumps? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, or none?

LB: None! [laughs]

Niki: That’s a good answer. We got around it.

LB: No pumps!

Niki: We fucking hacked it.

LB: [both laughing] Can I get no pumps please? Of, uh, which syrups do you got? Um, what’s that one taste like? Oh, that sounds…maybe, yeah, I’ll get no pumps of the brown sugar, please. Thank you.

Niki: Would you care for any toppings? Sprinkles and moch-a. Nope. Sprinkles and mocha drizzle, vanilla or chocolate cold foam, cinnamon or vanilla powder, whipped cream, none, [sighs] I just wanted food.

LB: I want that vanilla cold foam.

Niki: You want vanilla cold foam?

LB: Yeah.

Niki: I want none, ’cause I got tea. Oh my God, we got the same answer.

LB: What?

Niki: Rare. Here’s the question that Buzzfeed asked. Well, it’s not a question. Here’s the name of the quiz, sorry.

LB: Okay.

Niki: Order a Starbucks feast, and we’ll tell you what word comes to mind when people first meet you.

LB: That’s true. People do think I’m rare.

Niki: People think that you’re rare. You’re a rare breed. People love your randomness and often call you, quote, “quirky” [LB: “Constantly”] or a, quote, “oddball.”

LB: They’re always calling me quirked up.

Niki: [laughs] Everyone loves to hear you make jokes, ’cause it shows a little window into that gorgeous brain of yours.

LB: That’s true! That’s what this show is. People love to hear our gorgeous brains talking about…

Niki: Gorgeous gorgeous girls love gorgeous gorgeous brains. People are always saying this.

LB: What’s your Starbucks order?

Niki: Uh, peach green tea lemonade, half sweet, trenta, light ice.

LB: Wow.

Niki: Yeah. You don’t go to Starbucks, but if you were going to Starbucks.

LB: Uh, it would be that Ariana Grande drink that I don’t think they have anymore, [both laugh] but it was so good! That and like the breakfast sandwich with the plant-based sausage.

Niki: Oh. I’m trying to figure out what her Starbucks drink was.

LB: It was the, um…it was like a cold foam…

Niki: It was a vanilla bean frappuccino?

LB: No.

Niki: No?

LB: [typing] Starbucks. It was for International Women’s Day, and my friend was like, [laughs] “It’s really stupid that this is for International Women’s Day,” and people got really mad.

Niki: Wow. Thanks, women.

LB: It was a cloud macchiato, the cinnamon cloud macchiato. It was so good.

Niki: What did you did you just call me? Cloud…

LB: Macchiato.

Niki: Cloud macchiato.

LB: I didn’t call you that.

Niki: When I googled C– when I typed in C, the Google search results after googling “Ariana Grande Starbucks” were: cloud macchiato, Camilla Cabello, coffee near me, Chinese food near me, Chick-fil-A, Chipotle, Boston Celtics, Chilis, CNN, and then something called Crumbl Cookies where crumble does not have the E in it. Anyway, you can still get your cloud macchiato. They still have it. It contains eggs, though.

LB: Yeah, it contains egg whites. Okay, and they received backlash because of the egg whites.

Niki: This– like, I am less inclined to get this now that I know that there’s egg in it. But if no one told me that there was egg in it, I would probably be fine.

LB: What’s on their menu now? I want to…‘cause it’s so good.

Niki: They still have it. Just walk in.

LB: They do? But I want to support them trying–

Niki: Yeah, I can order it right now.

LB: They want to unionize, and I want to support that.

Niki: Go to the one that just unionized.

LB: Where is that? Isn’t that far?

Niki: Olympic and Fairfax.

LB: That’s so far. That’s the one on–

Niki: Well.

LB: The one on Olympic and Fairfax, that’s the one that unionized?

Niki: Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yesterday, yeah.

LB: [gasps] That’s so huge.

Niki: It’s huge for them, yeah.

LB: I’ve been there. I have a picture of myself there.

Niki: Mm-hmm.

LB: I was so– I’m very hungover in the picture.

Niki: Oh. I– well.

LB: What?

Niki: I have never been hungover at a Starbucks.

LB: I thought you were gonna say you’ve never been hungover, and that would’ve been funny.

Niki: I still haven’t been hungover.

LB: Really?

Niki: Yeah.

LB: Oh, you’ll get there.

Niki: I think.

LB: You’ll get there. You’ll know.

Niki: Yeah?

LB: And you’ll get there.

Niki: I feel like I’m almost there.

LB: You’ll get there. [Niki laughs] Anyways, this has been Friends Reunion. We’ll be back next week.

Niki: Have you been on– sorry, have you– we’re gonna go, but have you been on buzzfeed.com lately?

LB: No.

Niki: And just like looked at it?

LB: No, I haven’t. What’s on there?

Niki: It looks the same as it did when they started the website, which like, part of me is like, wow, I love the commitment. But the other part is like, wow, it’s the same.

LB: Trending. Number one: people with vaginas are sharing their experiences with vabbing, and we must discuss this right now. Is that like dab–

Niki: Well, folks, thank you so much.

LB: I’m not gonna look at what that is. I’m just gonna say it’s like dabbing.

Niki: Thank you so much, folks, for– oh my God. Nope! Hey, no. Do you want to know what vabbing is?

LB: It’s a mix of the words vagina and dabbing. I knew it!

Niki: Nope. As you can probably guess by the name, vabbing is the process of dabbing your vaginal secretions on the parts of your body where you’d normally apply perfume. [laughs quietly]

LB: So it’s just this one lady. [Niki laughs] There’s just one lady on this article, just this one lady who’s saying she does it. But all the pictures are just her being like, I’m doing– it’s like, “Many people have now been posting about these experiences,” but it’s just one person.

Niki: [laughs] She heard about it on TikTok. Also, all of these pictures are of me and my TikTok. I did it– there’s a screenshot of a TikTok from her that says, “I did it right before I went to the gym, and then that guy hit on me while I was working out. Vabbing works.”

LB: This is actively irresponsible to be promoting during fucking monkeypox.

Niki: [laughs] Julia also explained her process. “You quote, ‘vab’ with your fingers on your wrist and on the area behind your ear, kind of like the area that you would normally put perfume,” she said. [LB sighs, Niki laughs] She says that if you’re on your period, just wait. Also, no, you know what? She’s being conscious of monkeypox. She said if you have an STD or any other spreadable disease, do not vab.

LB: I don’t think you should vab at all, honestly.

Niki: [laughs] I love learning, and I think we should leave.

LB: I think that we need to reinvent vabbing, and it’s doing so many kegels that your vagina is so strong that it can dab.

Niki: That it could dab. You can create an acute angle inside of your vagina, [LB laughs] because your muscles are so strong.

LB: ‘Cause you’re so strong. [both laugh] We’ll be back next time. I think we’re gonna talk about Girls’ Generation.

Niki: Oh, really?

LB: And then John will also be back. I don’t know. We have to take over something. Maybe it’ll be a stream. John will be back. Just kidding, John will be back next week.

Niki: John will be back next week.

LB: And Jordo and I will figure out a different way to talk about Girls’ Generation.

Niki: Will I be here next week?

LB: If you want to be.

Niki: I’m looking at the calendar. Thank you, Jordan, for producing this show and for also learning about vabbing.

LB: Thank you, Jordo. Thank you, listeners. If you want to help us out, please go to where you are and just put a review for the podcast you’re currently listening to.

Niki: Yeah. Give it five stars.

LB: Five stars!

Niki: Five stars, or don’t do it.

LB: Join our Discord, Fanbyte.casa. We have a special room in it, and you can tell us what we should rename this show, [laughs] ’cause I don’t think we can call it Friends Reunion much longer.

Niki: Yeah. Yeah, go in the Friends Reunion– yeah, that’s this week’s homework.

LB: [laughs] Yeah, here’s your homework.

Niki: Go in the Friends Reunion room and come up with a better name for this show. It won’t be hard, but just come up with a better one.

LB: [laughs] Vabbing.

Niki: Vabbing. [both laugh] The vab hour.

LB: The problem with vabbing is that I do, if I just glance at it, I do read it as vaping.

About the Author

Jordan Mallory

Jordan is a frog that lives in Texas and loves Girls Generation. He's also Senior Podcast Producer! Before that he wrote video game news for almost ten years at a lot of websites you've heard of, including this one.