There aren’t a lot of ways to pass the time when you’re apart of a video game crew. Typically your crew just stands around doing nothing while waiting for the protagonist to solve all of their issues. It’s a good life, but a very boring one. So what’s the best way to spend your aimless days while the hero galivants around the world having all the fun? By singing inspiring, often catchy sea shanties of course! But not every crew is created equal and some clearly put more practice into learning this key life skill.
Okay confession time, there’s basically nothing to write about today and I saw a fun TikTok of Kermit the Frog singing a sea shanty so here we are. I’m ranking these crews from best to worst based on absolutely nothing outside of what I imagine they sound like singing. You think this is stupid? You’re goddamn right it’s stupid, but you’re too curious now to leave.
1. Edward Kenway’s Crew (Assassin’s Creed IV: Black Flag)
This one is clearly the most obvious choice because Kenway’s motley crew of cutthroats actually sing sea shanties while you’re sailing. In a world where sea shanties are just magically flying around waiting to be snatched, every pirate is, by law, required to learn whatever dumb song you stumble across. Thankfully, they all have lovely voices and listening to them can really help pass the time as you aimlessly sail the high seas. Seriously, this feature is incredible and it makes me desperately want a sequel to one of the best games in the Assassin’s Creed franchise.
2. USNC’s Pillar of Autumn Crew (Halo)
Whether it’s the ocean or the stars, a good shanty can really lift the morale of a crew — even if that crew is facing almost certain extinction at the hands of multiple alien races. Even though we never hear them sing you just know the crew of the USNC’s Pillar of Autumn knows some great space shanties about killing Hunters or the destruction of the planet Reach. Let’s face it, Sgt. Johnson definitely a solid baritone and Master Chief is probably a decent tenor once Cortana goads him into actually singing. Except he only sings about giving the Covenant back their bomb and forces the crew to hear it every time he’s around.
3. SSV Normandy’s Crew (Mass Effect)
The quality of shanty entirely depends on how many of them are left at the end of the games. You either have a collection of terrific songs from a unique, universe-spanning collection of aliens or just Joker singing about pop culture references like The Matrix or 2001: A Space Odyessy. Only one of these is ideal and it’s not involving sea shanties about Austin Powers.
4. Bowser’s Shitty Kid’s Crew (Super Mario)
As much as Bowser’s awful children deserve to swiftly crushed under Mario’s boots, I don’t doubt for a second that the airship crews have some exquisite shanties. The Mushroom Kingdom is filled with colorful and fascinating creatures, so I have to believe there are a few Koopas out there who know how to sing. Sure they only know how to walk left or right, but those turtles can really have some soul behind their voices. Plus, the Bullet Bills being fired act as a nice, steady drumbeat to follow. Sure, the Shy Guys don’t really practice, but there are enough Koopas and Goombas to drown out their inability to sing on pitch.
5. Your Drunk Useless Crew (Sea of Thieves)
I might have too much experience with this one. In Sea of Thieves, players can use instruments to harmonize different pirate-themed songs together. Since none of your characters sing, it’s up to you and your crew to provide the vocals. This typically goes poorly since no one is practicing, someone is definitely drunk, and we all forgot to actually have a player at the helm. Oh well, look how gorgeous this game is. It’s hard to believe how far Sea of Thieves has come since its release. Everything is so tranquil and calm. I could just sail and sing for hours… Wait did we just miss our island? Did anyone hear a cannon go off? Oh god, the ship’s on fire stop singing please, those aren’t even the real lyrics.
6. Sanctuary III’s Crew Feat. Too Much Dubstep and Dick Jokes (Borderlands 3)
Insufferable. It would be absolutely insufferable.
I can barely stand 99% of Borderlands 3’s cast when they aren’t singing, so the thought of them trying to harmonize is enough to make me stick my head in a Skag’s mouth. Outside of maybe Sir Hammerlock, no one would even practice and Claptrap would try force in his shitty dubstep remix. No one want’s to hear the ‘wub wub’ you useless rolling garbage can. What really sucks is I can see this exact scenario taking place in a future DLC, which makes it even worse. There are shittier jokes than these in Borderlands 3. Do you really think “but what if everyone tried to sing” wasn’t brought up once or twice during development? God, fuck, just put me out of my misery.