5 Quick and Easy Gooigi Meal Ideas

How about a little Italian for dinner?

So in Luigi’s Mansion 3, the new “Poltergust G-00” backpack can create a duplicate Luigi out of spectral goop. This entity is known as Gooigi, and according to producer Kensuke Tanabe, you could eat Gooigi if you wanted to.

“It’s probably like gummies, so you could eat it,” Tanabe told Game Informer. “The actual backstory is that Professor E. Gadd extracted a bunch of energy out of the ghost that he captured, and then he accidentally spilled coffee on it, and that’s how the goo was made.”

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Gooigi raises a lot of existential questions, especially since it does not appear to be an autonomous or sapient creature on its own. Rather, Luigi’s consciousness is transferred into Gooigi when needed, allowing Gooigi to interact with the world while Luigi’s body goes slack and lifeless. Does Gooigi have a soul? Can it feel pain? Is consuming a Gooigi ethical either way? What if Luigi’s mind is inside of the Gooigi at the time of consumption? As soon as you start to really think about the myriad implications that Gooigi brings to the table, things get very complicated.

But preparing a delicious Gooigi for your next family meal need not be complicated. I’ve thrown together a few quick, easy Gooigi meal ideas that anyone can try out at home, no culinary expertise required. Your guests will be so enamored with your creation, they’ll forget to wonder if Gooigi is somehow still alive as you eat it, or if it was ever alive to begin with!

Gooigi in the Raw

Raw foods are all the rage these days, so why not substitute the cantaloupe in today’s brunch with some cubed raw Gooigi? The subtle, undulating texture of the Gooigi cubes will provide a daring contrast to the acidic bite of the accompanying mimosa, and preparation couldn’t be easier.

Simply carve off a portion from the main trunk and slice it into one-inch cubes. Just remember not to rinse first! Gooigi melts almost instantly when it comes into contact with water. A thin anti-microbial layer on the rind of the Gooigi ensures that it is always safe to eat, but feel free to give your Gooigi a once over with a lint roller to preserve that trademark shine. You can serve the cubes in whatever sort of dish you like; since Gooigi is such a new cuisine, the rules of etiquette are still quite malleable. Add a pinch of pink himalayan salt to really bring the Gooigi’s subtle notes to life.

The “GLT”

Craft a delicious, vegetarian(?) alternative to the classic BLT by substituting strips of Gooigi for bacon. Using a thin knife or cheese slicer, peel strips off the Gooigi’s back and place them flat on a baking sheet. Gooigi is naturally non-stick, so there’s no need to line the pan with aluminum foil or use a non-stick spray. You can rub the pan down with butter to further enhance the flavor of the Gooigi “bacon” (“Gooacon”), but remember that doing so will nullify the vegan status of the sandwich.

To reach the proper level of crispiness, we recommend baking the Gooacon strips at 400 degrees for 20 minutes, or until the sludge ducts just begin to curl upwards. Pat down with a paper towel to remove excess grease and let cool for five minutes; placing hot Gooacon directly onto your sandwich may cause the lettuce to wilt. Finally, slice the sandwich from corner to corner, plate with a handful of salt and vinegar kettle chips, and enjoy!

Gooigi Stir Fry

If you’ve never done a stir fry before, what have you been waiting for? They’re easy-peasy (lemon squeezey optional), and with a hearty helping of Gooigi in the mix, more delectable than ever. Pick up a pre-mixed batch of stir fry veggies from the produce section of your local grocery store, and swing through the international foods isle for a bottle of whichever sauce catches your eye. Sweet and sour? Chili garlic? Hoisin? Gooigi sings in any sauce, so don’t be afraid to get a little adventurous. You’ll want Gooigi thighs — or knees, if you can afford ’em — for the most authentic taste, carved into strips about two inches long and half an inch thick.

Coat the inside of your frying pan with a thin layer of olive oil and cook the veggies over medium heat, stirring frequently, until the onions just start to go transparent. Add the Gooigi and give everything a good toss, now stirring less frequently to give the Gooigi enough time under direct heat to coagulate properly. Once the veggies are fully cooked through, reduce the heat to low and pour on a generous helping of your chosen sauce. Make sure everything in the pan is thoroughly coated, and let cook for about five minutes to really seal in that flavor. Serve over rice or inside a pita pocket!

Goo-vide Steak

With the recent emergence of consumer-grade sous-vide machines, millions of folk now consider this handy, heat-regulating gadget an essential part of their kitchen repertoire. And just as easily as the sous-vide can prepare traditional meats, so too can it prepare a mouth-watering Gooigi steak. For my money, nothing beats a medium-rare Gooigi strip steak. You can spend the premium on rib eye if you’d like, but unless it’s a special occasion, strip does the job just fine.

First, set your sous-vide to 130 degrees Fahrenheit and let it start churning. Douse the steak with a generous helping of salt and freshly-cracked pepper before sealing in a zip-lock via the usual water submersion method. Some people will tell you to marinate first, but I am of the firm opinion that anything beyond salt and/or pepper will tarnish the Gooigi’s inherently perfect taste. Once the water has come to temperature, clip the bag into the water and let it hang out for two hours. It’s a long time, I know, but trust me, the pungent gush of silt as your teeth break the cell wall is so worth it.

If you own a sous-vide, chances are good that you also own a butane torch. If so, feel free to give the outside of your Gooigi steak a crispy finish before plating. This step is totally optional — your steak may not look as attractive un-seared, but it’ll taste just as good.

Spaghooti and Meatballs

Of course, Gooigi wouldn’t be the miracle food that it is if it were just a traditional meat alternative. By running a block of Gooigi over a cheese grater, you can make instant Gooigi noodles (“Goodles”) perfect for any pasta dish. Goodles are ready to eat and don’t require any boiling — in fact, boiling would destroy them almost instantly! Heat up some frozen meatballs in a skillet, along with your favorite jarred pasta sauce, and toss everything together. The Goodles will absorb plenty of heat from the meatballs and sauce, thanks to the Gooigi’s incredible thermal conducting properties. As with any gluten-free pasta alternative, there is a texture difference between Goodles and traditional spaghetti noodles. Some would call it an acquired taste, but I find the way Goodles slither absolutely to die for. The only thing that could make this dish better is an enormous pile of parmesan cheese, and hey, we ain’t gonna judge.

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Jordan Mallory

Jordan Mallory is a 10-year games industry veteran with more heart than sense. Lover of frogs and dedicated Girls' Generation S♥NE. Mr. August, Men of Game Development 2015.

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