Like Activision, I Have Also Cleared Myself of All Wrongdoing

If Activision can say it did nothing wrong, well then, why can't we all?

Friends, I write this story today to proclaim some good news: I have done nothing wrong, ever. Those times I might have made mistakes or gotten something incorrect have actually been found to be somehow beneficial to me. Even old tests in which I got answers wrong, or that haunting time I forgot the words to my favorite song, have turned out to not have enough evidence backing them up, despite the teachers and crowd of Mint Karaoke Lounge witnesses that say otherwise. They don’t really matter because I have decided I am free and clear.

As you can imagine, this is a huge relief to me personally. I have long stated my position of hardcore denial — wherein I insist that no one can prove I forgot to throw away the empty milk carton — is the objective truth. Now, if anyone asks me about it, and they better not, I have evidence to point to that I did not do it. And that evidence is that I said I did not do it.

One precedent for this important decision is from Activision, which has also today released results from their own investigation into themselves into a recent and well-documented pattern of harassment in recent years. The report, which is summarized in this SEC filing, states “The review of contemporaneous documentation and statements by relevant individuals shows that media criticism of the Board and Activision Blizzard senior executives as insensitive to workplace matters is without merit.”

In other words, Activision says that they do not — on paper — have any evidence that they ignored workplace harassment issues that came to their attention. That is, I think, a fairly concrete example of finding exactly what you were looking for, which in this case is documented issues for an accusation that you did not properly document issues. Never mind the credible allegation from California prosecutors that Activision shredded exactly those kind of documents.

The internal report also does not get into any specifics about existing stories of Activision doing specifically what they say they did not do. In a Wall Street Journal story, the paper reported that Kotick specifically intervened to keep alleged harasser Dan Bunting as the head of Treyarch after complaints surfaced about him. But, like Activision says, they cleared themselves of it.

Much like the police investigating themselves and coincidentally always finding they didn’t do anything wrong despite a preponderance of evidence otherwise, it seems like we can all just rationalize everything we do and never grow, learn, or be better in any way. To celebrate, I asked the AI-driven illustrator Dall-E to draw me a picture of Bobby Kotick hugging himself.

AI-Generated Bobby Kotick Hugging Himself

Almost as horrifying as the real thing!