Paper Mario Columbo on Dall-E Mini: A Review

Thanks to Dall-E Mini, Paper Mario Columbo can ask one more thing of the Mushroom Kingdom's wealthiest murderers.

Guys, I’m going to level with you: I don’t really understand Dall-E Mini. I mean, I roughly understand how it works, but I don’t get the appeal. Why type “Goofy on the cross” into a machine that mostly conjures pain, you know?

Having decried the practice as “scary” on Twitter, my friends proceeded to prove me correct by sending me prompts like “Tesla blowing up in Frasier’s apartment,” which produced — among other things — a stunning hybrid of Niles Crane and a Cenobite. Yes, Dall-E has such sights to show me, but why? Why on earth would I want to?

Then a friend sent me this little guy.

Paper Mario Columbo

Paper. Mario. Columbo. A perfect little guy.

Dall-E gets so much right. The raincoat. The hair. The hand on Paper Mario Columbo's face because he's flummoxed — just flummoxed — by a case he can't crack. What will he do? Maybe go home to Mrs. Columbo and take Yoshi for a walk. Maybe go to Burt's Chili for a bowl of that mushroom chili he's always ordering. Or maybe there's just one more thing...

Just think of what that one more thing could be. Ballistics from a Bullet Bill? A Hammer Brother's hammer buried in the soil underneath a Piranha Plant? A Chain Chomp's broken chain? A letter inviting the victim to the castle for some cake? Anything is possible in Paper Mario Columbo's world, even when a victim is completely incinerated in a lava flow, or if the murderer is in another castle.

And he's so goddamn cute. I love Paper Mario Columbo. I want to tousle his hair. I want to make a critical mistake and get busted for thinking a Boss Bass would take care of a Koopa Troopa I accidentally killed in a "tragic accident" involving an Amp and a bathtub.

Again, Paper Mario Columbo is perfect. All beef between me and Dall-E for its hellish visions and refusal to produce "Watto giving Vince McMahon a backrub" has been squashed. Best of luck in conquering humanity.