Looking for a Valorant Tier List? We’ve got that. But while I was working on it, I couldn’t help but notice that all of the character portraits in Valorant look like bad Tinder selfies. And so, I have ranked all of the game’s Agents based on how good I think they are at using Tinder.
S Tier – Viper, Phoenix
- Viper really aggressively lists her kinks in her bio, but one time a 5’2″ cottagecore lesbian super liked her then said “Choke me” and Viper got so flustered that she deleted the app. I lied, this didn’t happen one time, it has happened several times and she has gotten no better at handling it.
- Phoenix is incredibly bisexual but is too massive of a himbo to realize it. He set his account to show him both men and women because he’s looking for both bros and hoes (he would never say it like this because he is a true women respecter) but weirdly enough, every time he smokes with his new friends one thing leads to another…
A Tier – Omen, Raze
- Omen has no bio and yet has somehow matched with dozens of people. He has also never responded to a single message. Legends have it that one day, someone he matched with saw him in public and waved hello. Three days later they were found catatonic sitting in the same coffee shop from which they had disappeared.
- Raze fucks.
B Tier – Cypher, Sage
- Cypher’s pictures are all of him doing parkour, and also he took all of them himself using his spycams. This isn’t because he doesn’t have friends who are willing, its because he’s too much of a perfectionist and he gets really annoying when anyone tries to help him with this kind of thing. Yes, the pictures are cringey, yes, his friends have told him, no, he has not listened.
- Sage’s friends (Phoenix and Jett) made this account for her as a joke. She also has her favorite episode of The Office listed in her bio. Sage is also a Horse Girl. One time I was on Tinder and I saw a girl posing with two horses with the caption “Two Horses!!” at a 24% angle in the upper right quadrant of the picture. That image has haunted me to this day, Sage doesn’t have that specific picture on her profile I just wanted to share.
C Tier – Jett
- Much like my actual Agent tier list, Jett belongs at the bottom in hell. Jett is looking for a third to join her boyfriend, or she says he’s “letting her experiment” which somehow makes you more uncomfortable. Either way it seems like she’d be way happier just dating girls once her current thing inevitably collapses.
Unranked – Breach, Brimstone, and Sova
- Breach and Brimstone don’t use Tinder because they’re too busy being sweet grandpas who love each other very much. In fact, they are my grandpas and I call them everyday. If you were to even suggest that one of them was on a dating app I would begin openly weeping in front of you. Furthermore, being on Tinder would expose their location to the Black Ops teams hunting them for the High Crime of Desertion, following their abdication of duty on ethical grounds.
- Sova reminds me of this dude I follow on TikTok because he’s strong and has blonde hair and his vibe is really good, if I’m remembering correctly he already has a boyfriend and it is for this reason that I do not believe Sova would be on Tinder.