Finally, Nintendo seems to have given up on designing tons of new Pokemon. This lack of imagination sounds like it should be a bad thing, but it’s actually led to the best element of recent Pokemon games: updated, regional versions of classic Pokemon that look absolutely insane. Consider the humble Alolan Raichu, a Raichu that looks like it’s surfing on its own tail, or the Alolan Exeggutor, an awkward teenager going through psychic puberty while turning into a palm tree. Following this trend, Nintendo recently unveiled several new Pokémon variants from the upcoming Sword and Shield, set in Galar, the Pokémon version of Great Britain.
These included perhaps Nintendo’s greatest creation: the Galarian Weezing, a Weezing wearing a smokestack as a top hat and using smog as a mustache. This character, which takes the template of the Weezing and adds some random British shit on top of it, is beautiful and I will love it forever. It also seems like it demands a wacky British sitcom in which Galarian Weezing learns a bit about not being posh from an Obstagoon. In the spirit of Sword and Shield, here are a few pitches for British Galarian TV shows, starring your favorite Pokemon. Coming soon, executive produced by the Unova region’s Stu Deeoh, a real character I did not make up.
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The Great British Slakoth
Taking the Galarian focus on “slow” TV to its natural conclusion, this half-hour series focuses entirely on a Slakoth wearing a series of shirts identical to the ones Noel Fielding wears on The Great British Bake Off. There is only one camera and no budget for an editor, so each episode is a single, 30-minute shot of the Slakoth. For the most part, Slakoth does nothing, entrancing Galarian television viewers like the Hypnotoad from Futuruma — but if you watch on just the right date, you’ll get to watch the Slakoth slowly, deliberately bake some absolutely mouth-watering bread, in a segment he likes to call “Loafing Around.”
Killing Eevee
In this uncomfortably erotic spy thriller, Eevee (Sandra Oh), investigates several high-profile Pokemon assassinations across various regions, eventually tying them to Vivillon (Jodie Comer), a deadly assassin skilled in the art of deploying poison. Unfortunately for Eevee, Vivillon has become obsessed with her pursuer — immobilized by love, you might say — and slowly begins to stalk her in a cat-and-mouse game that threatens to destroy both their lives. Both Pokemon revolt against their trainers, trusting their own instincts as they circle each other and their mutual obsession intensifies. What will happen when Eevee and Vivillon finally meet? Will they battle? Run? Somehow produce an egg? Ultimately, confronted with her mortal enemy, Eevee is forced to evolve.
Downton Krabby
For years to come, Galar’s Ace Trainers will enjoy marathon sessions of this historical period drama running through several Generations of a family of Galarian Weezings. These Weezings, lords of industry who single-handedly generated most of the smog covering Galar, are served by several Krabbys, Pokemon who are bred to be butlers but are very, very bad at holding things with their claws. (The Krabbys dropping tobacco pipes is, in fact, what produces most of the show’s dramatic tension.) The series’ exploration of Pokemon class politics takes a dire turn when it is revealed that the Weezings are being bankrolled by Pokemon criminals Team Rocket — but in response to this development, the lovable Dowager Loudred becomes the main character, stealing most of the oxygen (and fresh water) away from the other Weezings and Krabbys.
Luvdisc Island
In this hot, hot reality series, a group of contestants are forced to live in a villa that, unbeknownst to them, is in fact a Dynamaxed Luvdisc floating in the middle of the ocean. Though the contestants will undergo various contests in an attempt to determine which of them are romantically compatible, they also slowly become aware of the fact that they are being dragged into an enormous Whirlpool, and will lose their ability to breathe within five or six turns. The survivors become minor Pokemon tabloid celebrities.
Father Teddiursa
On an island off the coast of Galar, Father Teddiursa preaches the gospel of Arceus. Unfortunately, there aren’t too many other Pokemon around to hear the good word, because the island has been long abandoned to swarms of Unown. Father Teddiursa has, in fact, been banished to live in a tiny Pokemon church with other misfits, including Father Haxorus and Father Beedrill. As the series progress, Father Teddiursa’s soft-spoken, compassionate politics start to get buck wild, because his Trainer (and the Trainer writing the series) has been badly poisoned by posting online. The less said about this Trainer, the better.
Odor Sleuther
Look, it’s just Idris Elba walking around using the move Odor Sleuth, okay? It fits the template, and the thought of Idris Elba deeply sniffing a Ponyta or whatever is hilarious. Throw 10 million pounds at it and call it a day.
