Pokemon Sword & Shield is still a few months from release, but it’s already shaping up to be one of the most epic installments in the series yet. From the new embiggening mechanic to the Internet’s completely canonical take on the new girl trainer, this upside-down England that is the Galar Region has a lot in store for us — including, of course, new Pokemon!
Seeing as the new installment will not have National Dex support, we can probably expect a fair number of new ‘mons in the game. In fact, Nintendo has already announced more than a dozen, running the gamut from elemental animals to sentient meringues. And because this is the Internet, we’ve all already picked our faves (for now), well before the game lands in our hot little hands.
So, what can we tell about you from your favorite Galar Pokémon? Read on for our super accurate, never-wrong, highly insightful guide.
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You’re the only person in your immediate family and friend circles who follows football. If you’re American, you still call it “football” and won’t shut up about how inferior the sport of American Hand-Egg is. Your ringtone is “Vindaloo” by Fat Les. You’ve been trying to find the title of that song for three years. You’re welcome.
You’re currently wrapped up in a blanket in your den reading this on your phone. You haven’t moved in two hours. You were supposed to go buy groceries but your mobile games are full up on energy again and you decided to check on them really quick. You left a cup of tea in the kitchen.
You’ve seen every episode of Sherlock and have a lot of problems with it, but you would still drop everything if a new special came out even though you remind people constantly that Elementary is the superior series. You used to enjoy seapunk ironically. It’s no longer ironic. You’re not sure how you feel about that.
You’re a furry.
You’ve already drawn your Galar trailer OC. They’re kind of based on your hedgehog-sona but with some obvious changes for the sake of setting and canon. Your webcomic explains how they’re actually the same person. Your real fave is Torterra but this large boy is close enough.
Your life changed forever after that Ken Burns documentary you saw on PBS. You will happily talk for an hour straight about the latest bit of history you learned, but secretly you really hope someone else will cut in and save you from yourself. You occasionally entertain the idea of going “off the grid” but you haven’t finished Stranger Things yet.
Your last ten Google searches are for “authentic tea rooms in my area,” and the ones before that were for “royal baby.” You saw Selfridges in a movie once and really want to shop there now — not for anything specific, just to say you did. Love, Actually is a genuine work of art and you will not hear otherwise.
You own at least five swords and know how to use all of them. Your neighbors actually call you “Captain Claymore” ever since that one night a kid tried to play ding-dong ditch and you chased them down the street in a bathrobe swinging a sword as big as said kid. We actually really admire you for that. Oh God please don’t hurt us.
You have never known sadness. No one wants you to know sadness. Your friends watch their language around you, just on the off chance that they might inadvertently be the one who teaches you your first cuss. Unbeknownst to them, you know every cuss, and in fact have an extensive hentai library that they could access if they would just ask.
You like dogs. A lot. Like a dog six times your size could jump on you and crush you but if that’s how you go then that’s how you go. You only go to parties to hang out with people’s pets. You don’t care who knows this, which is fortunate because everyone knows it and just leaves you to your own devices instead of asking you to socialize with the far less good human.
Same but the dog has a toy.
Look, we get it. You’re just here to fight absolutely everyone. If you had the money, you would just dig a giant fight pit and invite all your friends out to it for a giant scrap because, dammit, that’s just how much you love every single one of them. For now, you just have to text your besties that you’re out behind the Arby’s if they want an ass-kicking and hope they respond.
You have a shoulder bag with you at all times containing a first aid kit, a spare first aid kit in case something happens to the first one, three small bottles of hand sanitizer, a bag of beef jerky, a bag of vegan jerky, an instant hot pack, some sugar-free hard candies, and a stim toy. You have no idea why everyone keeps calling you the “Mom Friend.”
You’re a perfectly logical human being with excellent taste.
There are still lots more Pokemon to be announced in the new Galar region between now and Sword & Shield’s November release. Have you chosen your favorite yet, or are you hedging your bets for bigger and better British Isles-style Pokemon?