Most people wouldn’t consider the contents of a teaser trailer to be spoilers, and in most circumstances I’d agree with most people. But with something as rare as a new, honest-to-goodness Star Wars movie, some folk might feel inclined to take extra precautions. You only get one chance at a first time, after all, and to ensure the absolute purest movie-going experience possible, some extraordinary measures may be necessary.
If you want to watch the trailer, it’s right here. I haven’t seen it, but I’m not going to stop you from seeing it. What you do on the internet is between you and God. If you do decide to skip it, and eventually find yourself willing to shoulder the burden of complete episode nine ignorance until December 20, 2019, here are some ways you can make that weight a little lighter.
Step 1: Block Phrases on Twitter
The “Muted words” tab in your Twitter “Settings and privacy” page allows you to mute specific words and phrases, including hashtags. By adding a bevy of Star Wars-related entries to this list, you can keep your timeline free of spoilers until the movie finally comes out this December. Here’s my personal list, which should help you form your own:
- Star Wars
- Episode 9
- Episode Nine
- Episode IX
- The Rise of Skywalker
- The
- Rise
- of
- Skywalker
- Rey
- Kylo
- Ren
- Stimpy
- Supreme Leader Snoke
- First Order
- Empire
- Darth Vader
- Luke
- Luuke
- Bigger Luke
Unfortunately, when something is as big as Star Wars, bad people are going to work to find ways around content filters. So while this is a helpful first step, there are many more precautions you can take to ensure your own state of ignorance.
Step 2: Leave Twitter Entirely
It may seem extreme, but abstinence is the only form of prevention that works 100 percent of the time. You don’t have to delete your account or anything, just install free accountability software like Cold Turkey to keep temptation from your heart. Yes, this will also result in the loss of all normal socialization that you would receive from Twitter, but isn’t that a small price to pay for getting to experience absolute, undiluted surprise at every single detail of The Rise of Skywalker? Besides, you’ll still have Facebook and Instagram to turn to.
Step 3: Leave Facebook and Instagram
Or you would, were it not for step three. How much do you actually care about other people anyway? Is your day going to be that much worse for not having seen a picture of someone’s dog? Are you really gonna miss regular updates from Nathan Fillion? So what if you miss out on a few wedding announcements or funerals, this is STAR WARS. Do you get how rare of an event this is? People die every day, and they’ll still be dead in December when you’ve seen the movie and I’ve allowed you to talk to people again.
Step 4: Bury Your Phone in the Desert
Are you serious about this or not? You can put it in a ziplock bag if you want to keep it from being destroyed by sand and bugs, but honestly if you do that I’m just going to take it as a sign of weakness. But it’s your call!
Step 5: Burn Your House Down
Make sure the house is free of pets or loved ones before doing this step — this is very important. Also make sure to do your research on traceable accelerants and modern arson forensics before setting everything up. You can’t be first in line three days before the premiere if you’re rotting in jail!
From the look on your face, I can see that you’re confused about this step. Your house has a computer in it, right? And people you love and trust, who — even in their best moments — are still imperfect humans that might let slip some tiny detail from this (or any future) Star Wars trailer? The only way to prevent that from happening is to disperse those people from your life. Not permanently, of course. After I’ve unlocked your cage on December 20 and you’ve had a chance to explain everything, I’m sure they’ll understand. Trust me, this is the only preferable option to the alternative.
Step 6: I’m Going to Burn Your House Down
Look, I thought you were strong enough for this. I chose you from all the others because I saw in you a part of myself; a willingness to make the hard sacrifices necessary to achieve something truly great. But if I was wrong, if you’re not capable of doing something as vital to this process as committing a felony, that’s my fault, not yours. I misjudged you. It’s not your fault that you’re weak, but it’ll be my fault if I don’t make you strong.
Step 7: Put This On
Stop crying!!
