Today Capcom revealed that its Resident Evil 3 remake, which features the once titular zombie stalker known as Nemesis, will make a number of updates to its oppressive formula. That includes a bigger version of Raccoon City: the iconic locale of the first three games in the franchise. Not to mention more playable action and tactical options to pad things out. Amidst that, fast travel will also allow players to get around seamlessly.
Oh, and for a brief time there it seemed like Nemesis could bust into goddamn safe rooms.
The very term “safe room” seemed no longer safe. By definition it no longer served to protect us from the mutant threats of the Umbrella Corporation. Even the much-memed and modded Mr. X of the Resident Evil 2 remake respected our boundaries more than that. For a time, we were forced to grapple with unprecedented levels of not-giving-a-fuck about ontological laws— until Capcom itself debunked the salacious rumor.
It does beg the question, though. What else should Nemesis break into? It’s not a question of can. For this exercise, we have to assume that Nemesis is as powerful as we briefly believed him to be. We must consider how to curtail the beast, and harness its unstoppable force for something. Where would it be best to apply it? That’s what this very list seeks to find out, by laying out the six things Nemesis from Resident Evil 3 should break into.
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6. The Music Industry
Besides being a massive dick, as well as a dick who is massive (we’ll investigate whether he completes the trifecta by having a dick that is also massive once the tall drink of water’s character model hits Source Filmmaker), Nemesis is probably best known for his distinct appearance. Notably: my man is missing his lips.
Along with his large, beastly teeth, this makes it difficult for him to enunciate certain words (as well as limits his range of uses in Source Filmmaker). But the inhuman layout of his warped body includes an upside: it makes it really easy to open that diaphragm. Nemesis has an incredible and underreported vocal range that makes for a beautiful singing voice. All those times he intoned “S.T.A.R.S.” at the player in the original game weren’t threats. They were promises. He was simply looking for backup dancers and vocalists to take with him on the road to musical fame — to make them into “stars” like him.
5. An Entire Sleeve of Thin Mint Girl Scout Cookies
We all need a treat now and again. Rather than devour brains, blood, and gore, it makes sense to offer this beefcake an altogether different snack. I recommend Thin Mints. As a literally rotten abomination against God and science, Nemesis is a bio-weapon that comes pre-installed with bad breath. Thin Mints are delicious and leave a crisp scent on the tongue. His massive size means Nemesis would also need a massive number of the tasty wafers (let’s say half a box, or one sleeve) to satisfy his usual urges. This includes the dual benefit of keeping us from eating too many ourselves — which I know I’m one to do every year.
4. My Deep, Psychological Trauma
Crippling impostor syndrome and endlessly destructive coping mechanisms can’t be a coincidence, right. Right…? I probably have some stuff to work through. Luckily, if the terror he engenders is any indication, Nemesis isn’t just effective at breaking through physical barriers. He’s equally known for having a deep emotional effect on his victims.
That sounds like a psychology expert to me! Then again, I’ve never actually seen one professionally, despite believing I probably should. I might as well start with Nemesis! I’ve got nothing to lose, after all. At least it feels like I’ve got nothing to lose — every lonely day of my life, no matter how much I get done, or how much my friends and loved ones support me. Uhhh… I need to go.
3. Esports Journalism
Okay, I’m back! Nemesis should break into esports journalism next. It’s a well-known fact that writers just looking to “break into the industry” should be willing to write for free. The hulking monstrosity has no earthly desires it cannot meet itself with violence and determination. Its near total invulnerability satisfies any “healthcare” needs, while its unceasing blood lust means that Nemesis never stays in one place for very long — as it continuously stalks prey at the behest of a faceless mega-corporation. No need to pay rent!
Author’s Note: Do not actually work for free.
2. Safe Rooms
This one is a bit of a stretch, but wouldn’t it be really scary of Nemesis just busted through the typically safe rooms found in Resident Evil games? Think about it. They’re usually these completely secure areas, where you can save your game and sort items, protected from all enemy encounters. You can typically use them to waylay zombies and other monsters. Even the much-memed and modded Mr. X of the Resident Evil 2 remake respects these particular boundaries!
It’s the sort of thing that could really set Nemesis apart. What better way to portray this creature as an unstoppable force of nature than letting it burst through the one place you think is safe. I bet it would be hecka scary. Maybe Capcom will read my petitions. Maybe some intrepid writers out there will catch a glimpse of the extreme action themselves. We can dream!
1. Me
Sure, he lacks the dignified mystery of Mr. X, and probably won’t even be the hottest monster in a video game this year (not if Samuel Hayden returns in DOOM Eternal). But what the hell? The official Resident Evil wiki lists Nemesis at an impressive 7′ 3″. And folks, we love a tall one. Sadly, since Nemesis is a fictional character, we’ll once again have to wait to make much use of his impressive size until after he’s inevitably imported into Source Filmmaker.
