Ranking the New Scarlet & Violet Pokemon by How Tasty They Look

gotta eat 'em all

The Pokemon Company released a new trailer for the upcoming Pokemon Scarlet & Violet, the next entries in the mainline games. With the locale for this title moving to the majestic vistas of Spain and Portugal, there are a lot of new opportunities for Pokemon designs. There have been Pokemon that resemble food for as long as there have been Pokemon. Cherubi (cherry). Vanillish (haunted ice cream). Tropius (living banana tree). Machop (man). With Scarlet & Violet, The Pokemon Company has continued this trend.

Here at Fanbyte, we love food, and we love ranking things. So, as a natural next step, I will spend the next ~500 words ranking the new Pokemon announced today by how much I want to eat them.

1. Professor Sada and Professor Turo

I’d eat both of these people out.

wait what was the prompt again

oh, FOOD. which ones i would eat as FOOD. sorry.

Anyway, one of them is from the past and one of them is from the future, I guess? Each legendary has aesthetic matches to these two. I assume there’s going to be a time travel mechanic in the game, which might also serve as a convenient way to link the events of Scarlet & Violet with Pokemon Legends: Arceus.

2. Fuecoco

This little lad probably has a meaty, spicy flavor profile. Pop this little pepper in an olive and you’ve got yourself an hors d’oeuvre. He’s so happy, too. He wants to be enjoyed. He lives for consumption, look at his mouth – it’s most of his damn body. He’s a hero.

3. Smoliv

Oh shit, there’s just a guy who is an olive. I hate olives (they’re God’s first try at grapes) but maybe if it was alive and had a meaty, spicy component I’d be more into it. I’m also pretty sure that there will be a pimento Pokémon and you’ll have to evolve them together in a Shellder/Slowpoke -> Slowbro situation.

4. Lechonk

Initially, I had this guy in first place. It was easy. It’s just a pig. Slice this lad up, you got bacon, pork chonks  chops, pig feet. But then Fanbyte’s resident Fixer merritt k told me that truffle pigs (which Lechonk seems to be at least partially based on) are good at finding truffles because the truffles make them horny? So now I don’t like this guy. I hate him and I don’t want him close to me.

But he might still be good because maybe he seasons himself? That cuts down on a lot of marinading/rub time. Only time will tell.

5. Sprigatito

I have very little interest in eating the grass cat. Sprigatito probably has a horrible mouthfeel. Pass.

6. Dilbert Quaxly

Too much hair and too many feathers, not enough meat on the bones. Another pass. I’d just go find a Farfetch’d instead.

6. Pawmi

There’s no one better at inventing different versions of the electric rat than Game Freak and The Pokémon Company. Every time they introduce a new one I’m like “that’s it, that’s the last electric rat Pokémon they can make.” But they keep fucking coming. There’s not enough meat on these bones – both literally and figuratively. I’m not touching this thing with a fork or a Poké Ball.

7. Koraidon and Miraidon (tie)

Nah, fam. I’m alright. I’m not trying to eat either of these fuckin lizards, dude are you kidding me? nah nah nah

Keep it locked here on Fanbyte for all of the Pokemon Scarlet & Violet news you could possibly imagine.

So now America, with an open heart and empty stomach, I say unto you in the words of my uncle: ‘Allez cuisine!’