Mom, Dad – I Have a Crush on the Anthem Robots

When I was zero days old, and my mother held me in her arms for the first time, I’m sure she thought I was meant for greatness. She was right — of course she was  but I’m confident she didn’t expect her daughter would be sitting at a desk and writing about a deep, seedy shame that she’s only now coming to terms with.

New year, new me! Only this time I’m able to say that, yes: I may buy Anthem just because the suits look, kinda, somewhat, attractive. Not like, I’m going to pounce on it and have my way with it, no holds barred kind of thing. That would be, y’know, really embarrassing for both me and my friends playing beside me. No, I think the real term is something like this: the suits are cute and I would take them all home for dinner, cuddle with them, and talk about my problems.

Look, I’ve got my reasons and it’s going to sound weird at first but… Just hear me out. Anyway, it’s 2019. Everyone wanted to bang the Lost in Space robot last year. This is our new normal.

While I’m well aware of how Javelins (the Anthem mechs in question) are not created to be skintight and fit the user perfectly, there’s something about the different body types, and what they represent (unintentionally or not), that I just love and find intriguing — intriguing enough that, if given the chance, I’d watch them flex all day.

Robo-Chad: The Ranger

If I had to give the Ranger a title, it would definitely be “The Chad of the Javelins.” You know: the one who wears shorts in the winter, crosses his arms, and looks at you in a way they think is romantic, but you’re actually kind of wondering if they’re out to get you. It doesn’t help that this Chad literally has built-in weapons and, I dunno, probably some kind of super-radar to use for stalking.

Because I have poor taste in people, however, I still think I’d give the Ranger a chance. It’s got the most “human” body type out of all of the Javelins, for one. If my taste in Mass Effect love interests is any indicator, I do lean towards bodies that are anatomically “human.” Basically: I’m boring. But, hey, at least I didn’t romance Solas in Dragon Age Inquisition.


I could imagine a fairy tale romance with the other Javelins. The Ranger, however, looks like the kick-back, “let’s grab some food and watch a game” type. As someone who doesn’t know a damn thing about any kind of sport, this may be a problem. But if the Ranger rubbed my feet and listened to my problems… Well, I suppose I could get over that.

Crush-O-Meter: 70%

Everybody Loves a Sporty Shorty: The Interceptor

The Interceptor has the most agile-looking body of all of the Javelins. It’s a slim, near-intoxicating look that already puts the amazing parkour tricks this suit can no doubt do into my head.

But it’s more than just the Interceptor being sleek. It’s the speed behind each movement, and the potential for stealth against bigger, badder enemies that makes the Interceptor’s body an appealing, if somewhat mysterious one.

The Interceptor is the odd one out when compared to other Javelins, maybe, but most definitely the Javelin I’d take to show my friends after telling them I was 100 percent sure it had a dark, perilous past I had yet to unlock. We’re probably still on stage two: holding hands.

Crush-O-Meter: 75%

Thick Thighs, But Zero Eyes: The Storm

As thicc as the Colossus is, nothing oozes astonishing, raw power like the Storm. Those thighs? Heck, I think I’d sacrifice my nearest family member to give a piggy-back to the Storm suit. If that’s wrong, well, I don’t want to be right. But I am right, so it doesn’t matter!

Also… that cape. There’s something about a cape that makes everything much more mysterious and regal. At least, it works on a fantastical space robot. I feel like the Storm would take me to a fancy restaurant, ask to hold my hand as we walk home, and then puts its cape over my shoulders when I get cold like the gentleperson it is. It’s like the Tuxedo Mask of robots except, you know, actually useful in a fight.

And you know what? The Storm would probably text me to make sure I had a good night. Yeah, it’s that good.

Crush-O-Meter: 85%

Ladies, It’s Big Boy Season: The Colossus

I asked a good friend of mine what the Colossus would be like as a potential partner. Their answer?

The Colossus would be the kinda person to take you to the gym on a first date. In a way, it makes sense. The thick, bulky look is what I’d consider a stereotypical gym bunny who likes to hit the gym (and hit it hard) would look like.

But if I look deeper (not too deep), I think there is a soft side to the Colossus’ huge girth that can be easily overlooked. What’s so alluring about the suit isn’t its actual size, but the protector role that is established by that size. When I see the Colossus, I feel as though it would jump to my rescue in a sudden knife fight and protect me. Then it would carry me home, tuck me into bed, and make me some soup.

And yeah, I find that kinda cute! Sue me! Please don’t actually sue me…

Crush-o-Meter: 96%