I’ve learned a lot from Formula One. Mostly about iffy business practices and different European countries, but also about strategy. With the new Mario Kart 8 Deluxe DLC out today, I thought I would pass on some of my strategy knowledge to all of you. So, here are some tried and true methods from the fastest motorsports league in the world to help you win at Mario Kart.
Note: LB Hunktears and fanbyte.com do not endorse using any of these methods. This article is a parody, and we take no responsibility for the friendships, family bonds, and marriages that may dissolve due to following any of this advice.
1. Use everything at your disposal to win
From throwing blue shells to “accidentally” spilling someone’s drink to distract them, a great racer knows that every possible advantage needs to be taken in order to secure victory. Sportsmanship? We don’t know her. Break every rule of common decency and then object loudly when other people break them too. Demand do-overs when things don’t go your way. Abu Dhabi 2021 can happen any night of the week, right in your living room.
If being a huge asshole isn’t your vibe, flexing might be the way to go. Show up to Mario Kart night in an Uber Black, wearing the absolute craziest drip you have. Be like Lewis Hamilton and bring your dog that’s cuter than everyone else’s dog. Or be like James Hunt and have a bunch of sex immediately before arriving! This will make everyone be in awe of you, which will make you a more daunting opponent. You can even give everyone a nice present like a bottle of wine or a luxury watch.
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3. Flex (literally)
When he drove for Mercedes, Michael Schumacher used to walk around the garage shirtless to intimidate teammate Nico Rosberg with all his cool muscles. You can do the same thing! Hit the gym to get a good pump going before you meet up with your buddies for a normal, friendly game of Mario Kart, then casually take your shirt off and tense your abs to make them feel insecure. (If you’re playing online, send some shirtless selfies to the group chat under the pretense of asking which of your shark tooth necklaces your buddies like best.)
4. Pick one person to beat
Okay, maybe you can’t win, but that doesn’t mean you can’t win. Pick one of your friends and make sure to get in their way, distract them, attack them with items, and otherwise hold them up. This will keep you from being the worst one playing and also command fear and dread from your fellow competitors.
5. When all else fails, make someone cry
An ink splat from a Blooper obscures a player’s vision, but you know what else does that? Tears. You don’t need to get an item to play into your friends’ and families’ worst anxieties! Be like all the greats and get into your opponents’ heads! Mention their most embarrassing moments! Antagonize them mercilessly! They won’t be able to see the screen if they’re weeping! You probably won’t be invited back, but no one ever said it wasn’t lonely at the top.