Being a legitimately smart person with actual knowledge and useful information on a thing is cool, but you know what’s even cooler?
Kind of knowing some random stuff about a thing and sounding smart anyway.
That’s right. At a time when reality is subjective and there isn’t a basic scientific fact that can’t be disputed with internet access and a can-do attitude, why bother with data, numbers and in-depth analysis? I mean, on the same day that Taylor Swift is dropping another surprise album? With a whole Selena series out on Netflix and the ongoing efforts to #FreeBritney from her conservatorship?
Yeah, I don’t think so.
In the interest of keeping up with the times, I have prepared a practical guide to this Saturday’s UFC 256*. It contains quick drops of information on all of the main card players, as well as a bonus preliminary-card bout, that you can just randomly drop to your partner, siblings, or whomever you are (responsibly, hopefully) watching the fights with. Shall they ask for further context, you can either follow the links or just tell them to go give away their iPhone and move to Cuba if they like communism so much.
*This guide was written on Thursday, and it is therefore advisable not to get too attached to any of these fights (or anything, ever, really)
Deiveson Figueiredo, a multi-faceted king
- Tamed water buffalos as a kid, as one does
I asked UFC champ Deiveson Figueiredo about his “pet” water buffalo. Once they trust you, he told me, they’re actually very tameable. “But you can’t let them second-guess you,” he said. Then they get aggressive. And then you’re in big trouble. pic.twitter.com/5PPZ5xArR5
— Ben Fowlkes (@benfowlkesMMA) December 8, 2020
- Did security, fixed hair and made sushi before going full-time as professional shatterer of 125-pound men’s hopes & dreams
- Audacious and unapologetic dresser
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Brandon Moreno, the corgi of people
- Used to make piñatas for his family’s small business
- Loves legos so much he wants to buy them a bigger house
View this post on Instagram - Will turn that frown upside down
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Charles Oliveira, maker of human pretzels
- Owns three racing horses (Cantina, Revelação and Crispino)
- Has more wins via submission in the UFC than most of us have any kind of win at anything in life (14)
- “I’m not the best, I’m just the #1” (OLIVEIRA, Charles)
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Tony Ferguson, Or What Happens When A Tazmanian Devil Eats A Bop-It
- Does this kind of thing:
“Steps To Success” Extra Credit Lytework #TonyFergusonMMA #SnapDownCity #SnapJitsu @sean_does_strength_ #constantperformance @Purebodylogix1 pic.twitter.com/eDjkV8jjDv
— Tony Ferguson (@TonyFergusonXT) August 22, 2017
- And this kind of thing:
- Also, lasers
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Rafael Fiziev, a man made of violence
- Has a law degree and worked a police officer
- Likes blacksmithing, particularly “cold steel arms”
- You merely adopted the dark; Fiziev was born in it, molded by it
Today’s Rafael Fiziev clip #UFC256 pic.twitter.com/7V387LMLnr
— Connoisseur of Combat (@ConOfCombat) December 8, 2020
.@RafaelFiziev isn’t new to the matrix ?
(via @PhuketTopTeam, h/t @espnmma) pic.twitter.com/MrJAOkWIPA
— SportsCenter (@SportsCenter) July 19, 2020
Rafael Fiziev gets the W via bodykick and remains undefeated at #TitanFC51! pic.twitter.com/IUgrW2BI0H
— UFC FIGHT PASS (@UFCFightPass) December 21, 2018
Renato Moicano, don’t let him fool you
- Had his first professional fight as an inconspicuous & scrawny law student
- His wife, who is also a model, has fought and won a pro MMA fight because the world isn’t fair and some people are just made perfect
- Looks extremely chill but once got actively angry at an opponent for allowing himself to get submitted too quickly
??: “I wanted to fight more.”
??: “Then you shouldn’t have submitted me.” pic.twitter.com/uEcO9UYWkl
— UFC (@ufc) March 14, 2020
“Jacare” Souza, the man of many lives
- Is clearly over your bullshit
- Recently sought professional help to deal with mental health issues and talked about it publicly like a true emotional G
- Has his arm broken by Roger Gracie in the 2004 World Jiu-Jitsu Championship finals and still won the match
Kevin Holland, the man who loved words
- Has gone 4-0 in 2020, thus hogging the world’s stock of good fortune
- Says he spent all of post-fight bonus money on “shoes and cars,” which is objectively cooler than saying he put it on a savings account
- Pound-for-pound most prolific shit-talker (pre, post and mid-fight)
The story of ??? ?????. #UFC256 pic.twitter.com/qcguc373c4
— UFC (@ufc) December 9, 2020
Junior Dos Santos, or what happens when a golden retriever and a tank have a baby
- Has worked doing dishes at a barbecue place for 50 dollars a month
- Impossible to dislike (it’s just science)
- Lambada’d his way to the Top-5 of Brazil’s “Dancing with the stars” despite a disgusting bacterial infection that damn near cost him a leg
Congratulations to UFC Heavyweight Junior dos Santos (@junior_cigano) for an impressive performance on Dancing with the Stars!
Is JDS the happiest guy in the UFC?#UFC #MMA #FPMMA pic.twitter.com/duL4cgGBb8
— Front Page MMA (@FrontPageMMA) September 2, 2019
Bonus content:
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Ciryl Gane, a man who could kill you with one hand but would surely be very polite about it
- Dresses like he’s either about to launch his own luxury athleisure line or covertly conduct a high-profile assassination
- Likes Call of Duty and Dennis Rodman and almost became a soccer player
- We stan a mask-wearing king
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Mackenzie Dern, MILTNAIAW (Mother I’d like to never anger in any way)
- Can submit five 250-pound men and a couple of Rottweilers in the time it takes for you to read this sentence
- Has perfectly normal accent for a bilingual person but the internet is stupid and likes to create issues where they don’t exist
- Fought four months after hosting and expelling a tiny human from her body
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Virna Jandiroba, enemy of windpipes and limbs
- Got 13 of her 16 wins via submission
- “Carcará” nickname stems from a type of bird typical of her region that “is imposing and uses adversity to develop itself”
- Culturally aware queen and dog mom to Dorinha, who naturally has her own Instagram page
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