Facts On UFC 256 Fighters So You Can Sound Smart Without Really Trying

A preview of UFC 256, with facts on Tony Ferguson, Deiveson Figueiredo, Brandon Moreno, and more!

Being a legitimately smart person with actual knowledge and useful information on a thing is cool, but you know what’s even cooler?

Kind of knowing some random stuff about a thing and sounding smart anyway.

That’s right. At a time when reality is subjective and there isn’t a basic scientific fact that can’t be disputed with internet access and a can-do attitude, why bother with data, numbers and in-depth analysis? I mean, on the same day that Taylor Swift is dropping another surprise album? With a whole Selena series out on Netflix and the ongoing efforts to #FreeBritney from her conservatorship?

Yeah, I don’t think so.

In the interest of keeping up with the times, I have prepared a practical guide to this Saturday’s UFC 256*. It contains quick drops of information on all of the main card players, as well as a bonus preliminary-card bout, that you can just randomly drop to your partner, siblings, or whomever you are (responsibly, hopefully) watching the fights with. Shall they ask for further context, you can either follow the links or just tell them to go give away their iPhone and move to Cuba if they like communism so much.

*This guide was written on Thursday, and it is therefore advisable not to get too attached to any of these fights (or anything, ever, really)

Deiveson Figueiredo, a multi-faceted king

Brandon Moreno, the corgi of people

Charles Oliveira, maker of human pretzels

  • Owns three racing horses (Cantina, Revelação and Crispino)
  • Has more wins via submission in the UFC than most of us have any kind of win at anything in life (14)
  • “I’m not the best, I’m just the #1” (OLIVEIRA, Charles)

 

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Tony Ferguson, Or What Happens When A Tazmanian Devil Eats A Bop-It

  • Does this kind of thing:

  • And this kind of thing:

  • Also, lasers

 

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Rafael Fiziev, a man made of violence

Renato Moicano, don’t let him fool you

“Jacare” Souza, the man of many lives

  • Is clearly over your bullshit
  • Recently sought professional help to deal with mental health issues and talked about it publicly like a true emotional G
  • Has his arm broken by Roger Gracie in the 2004 World Jiu-Jitsu Championship finals and still won the match

Kevin Holland, the man who loved words

  • Has gone 4-0 in 2020, thus hogging the world’s stock of good fortune
  • Says he spent all of post-fight bonus money on “shoes and cars,” which is objectively cooler than saying he put it on a savings account
  • Pound-for-pound most prolific shit-talker (pre, post and mid-fight)

Junior Dos Santos, or what happens when a golden retriever and a tank have a baby

Bonus content:

Ciryl Gane, a man who could kill you with one hand but would surely be very polite about it

Mackenzie Dern, MILTNAIAW (Mother I’d like to never anger in any way)

  • Can submit five 250-pound men and a couple of Rottweilers in the time it takes for you to read this sentence
  • Has perfectly normal accent for a bilingual person but the internet is stupid and likes to create issues where they don’t exist
  • Fought four months after hosting and expelling a tiny human from her body

Virna Jandiroba, enemy of windpipes and limbs

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