Stop Nicknaming Your Pokemon, You Fuckin’ Weirdos

He said "Pikachu," not "Ryan Reynolds."

Every now and then, I remember there are some real sickos in the Pokemon world. And a few hours into Pokemon Legends: Arceus, I’ve been reminded of a subset of them who I had erased from my brain eons ago. But I suppose going back to a historic setting in the Pokemon universe means I gotta deal with some cultural differences that we have since moved beyond as a society. An outdated practice that no one should be practicing in the year of our lord, Arceus, 2022.

Stop nicknaming your Pokemon, you absolute degenerates. You unequivocal criminals. You unambiguous villians.

In the first hour of Pokemon Legends: Arceus, there’s a man named Beauregard who wants me to catch him a Wurmple. He can’t leave his post as a guard, so he can’t venture out into the wild to catch the little bug on his own. I, being an upstanding citizen already headed in that direction, told him I’d catch a Wurmple in his stead. So I did. I went out into the Obsidian Fieldlands, found the little caterpillar, and captured it in a Poke Ball to bring back to Beauregard like a good samaritan.

All my desire to do good in this world evaporated when he told me he was going to name this Wurmple something other than its Arceus-given name in anticipation of its evolution into a Beautifly.

The man then had the audacity to ask me — a 15-year-old kid who just fought through the untamed wilderness of the Hisui region to deliver this poor bug bastard — what I thought he should name it between three names: Beauticia, Beautifred, or Beaugene. There was no fourth option to tell him I was going to take back this Wurmple instead of leaving him with a criminal, so I said Beauticia. Then, I gave him a wide berth. I couldn’t risk him trying to suggest names for my Pichu, Beautifly, or Cyndiquil.

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When a Pokemon walks up to you, it says its name. It didn’t ask if you had an opinion it. It simply made a statement. Nicknaming apologists will say, “oH, yOu MuSt CaLl YoUr ReAl DoG ‘dog.'”

To which I say, “No, I call her by her name because that is the cultural standard of naming we have established in the real world.”

In Pokemon, nicknaming your little friends is shown to be a deviation from how most people do things. Most trainers you fight don’t release their Charizard and say, “Go, Thick Lizzy!” The health bar clearly states the (not) dragon’s name is Charizard.

So fucking quit it, you delinquents. And no one else in Pokemon Legends: Arceus better drag me into these crimes. I just got here. I’m not trying to get arrested.