A Tale of Two Trainers, Chapter Three: Premature Conclusions

Welcome to A Tale of Two Trainers, a series where Features & Trending Editor merritt k and Fanbyte Contributor Eric Thurm play through Pokemon Sword and Shield as very different trainers with very different priorities. Previously, our heroes challenged the first two Galar Gyms. In this installment, they meet untimely fates.

Hunter

Hunter died on his way back to his home planet.

Eric

Hey dad,

I’m sure you’re wondering why I haven’t sent you a letter in a while.

It’s been an intense couple of days. My trip to Hammerlocke… well, it went basically the way you feared it would.

Confronted with the dazzling lights and engrossing sounds of the big city, I tried to stop myself from indulging in the pleasures of the flesh, until I walked past the Hammerlocke clothing boutique and…

I saw the jacket.

Have you ever known love at first sight, dad? I know mom says it wasn’t like that when you two started dating, so I haven’t heard much about what it’s like to be in love… she said I should ask your secretary Jeanette. Does she like her boyfriend? 

Because I like the jacket.

I feel so confident when I put it on, so ready to battle. Not that it matters, but I tore through the third and fourth gyms like they were full of baby Pokemon. Bea’s Fighting types posed a small challenge, but Sweet Dee has become a total powerhouse. She reminds me of the terrifying star of that movie you took me to see when I was younger, The Honchkrow.

Well, I went a bit crazy after finishing that gym and wound up drinking too much Moomoo Milk. I woke up the next day with brightly-colored eyes. I now need to wear sunglasses constantly to prevent my face holes from bleeding, and as a result I always look incredibly cool.

Then, while traveling between Stow-On-Side and Ballonlea, on the way to take on the Fairy Gym, I was ambushed by a group of demonic Fairy Pokemon. Though Lenny (the Pokemon) did his best to protect me, I was hit with a psychic blast head on. Everything changed. 

I saw… Arceus. It was white, pink, blue, yellow, green, red — every color of the rainbow, every possible Type. I realized that all Pokemon are connected, and that you are a terrible father.

Every moment of my journey so far flashed before my many-hued eyes, and I discovered that my only true family was the Pokemon I met along the way. 

Edgelord the Obstagoon, so willing to stand up to Team Yell to protect me. Fred Savage the Excadrill, who refused to evolve for so long because he was worried about scaring me with his raw power. Even The Flying Dutchthem, my gender-neutral Grass/Ghost type that looks like a big anchor for some reason. And even Lenny (the Pokemon).

With the strength and support of their friendship, I stormed through the rest of Galar’s gyms, including my showdown at the supposedly difficult Dragon gym. Michelle the Abomasnow became my true mother that day, protecting me the way mom never protected me from you and your terrible parenting you absolute sack of garbage. (With apologies to Pete Buttigieg, my loyal Garbodor.)

Now, I stand on the precipice of becoming a Pokemon Master, and you can eat shit. I have earned all eight badges in the Gym Challenge, captured over 170 species of Pokemon, and continue to rock this incredibly cool jacket.

Also I’m dating your secretary, Jeanette.

Fuck off,

Eric

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