Point: Maybe using an unreasonable amount of time and energy to place unsuspecting third parties into entirely imaginary dystopian scenarios isn’t what a “reasonable person” would consider a “productive effort,” or a “healthy coping mechanism,” considering the world’s “current state of affairs.”
Counterpoint: OK, but what if I do it anyway?
That’s right, friends. At the request of literally not a single person on this planet, I’ve decided to make a list of MMA fighters that I would like to have on my side in the event of some kind of apocalyptic event that forces us into a Mad Max-ian type of existence. Skills, instincts and how well they would be able to counterbalance my inevitable hysteria were all taken into account, as well as the likelihood they would hand me over to whatever blood-thirsty creature/mutant bacteria/intergalactic dictator is in charge after they realize I’m not *very good* at surviving.
Enjoy it, or don’t, just keep in mind the following names should not be held responsible for their entirely involuntary participation on this endeavor.
P.S: As we do not know what kind of existential threat will ultimately succeed in taking out the human race, I took a variety of them into account while making these very objective, rational, science-based choices.
PPS: Obviously, I am kidding. There is no way these choices could be objective, rational and/or science-based, due to the fact that this is an entirely made-up product of my brain and therefore not a real thing that exists.
PPPS: Seriously. It’s a joke. Don’t overthink it.
- The strongest of dad vibes (perfect balance between protective & stern)
- Unassuming enough to lull enemies into false sense of security
- Submission arsenal varied enough to deal with threats of human, semi-human, superhuman & extraterrestrial nature (also maybe some fungi?)
- Sense of humor (important for when you’re contemplating the great beyond in light of your imminent and inevitably gruesome demise)
- Experienced in combat against several types of enemies
- Will likely be the one to mercifully shoot you once you get bitten by the undead
- Runs out of fucks with a *quickness*
- Will likely not be stopped by guns, machetes, or freshly awoken gargantuan prehistoric beasts
- Reveals halfway through the movie he was shot like five days ago and has since been bleeding profusely but kept it quiet because he’s just that kind of guy
- Perpetual state of preparedness
- Will probably have the perfect one-liner for each scenario
- If you’re going to be stuck in a desolate landscape surrounded by all manners of existential threats, might as well do it with someone fun
- Enjoys blacksmithing — particularly “cold steel arms” — as a hobby
- Generally terrifying but also kind of funny
Don’t mess with my pet pic.twitter.com/UBU9yHvka0
— Rafael “Ataman” Fiziev (@RafaelFiziev) January 14, 2021
- Cool matrix-like tricks that add aesthetic value to otherwise dire situations
- Ridiculously fit & extremely tough
- Looks like someone who would quickly adapt to unforgiving circumstances and become one with the desert
- Engaging speaker (good ally when you need to convince the whole party to take risky a detour in order to rescue the German Shepherd that fell into the river and everyone thinks is dead but you know in your heart is alive)
- Seemingly unburdened by the objective knowledge that existence is pain
- Undeterred by adversity
- Infectious laughter (temporary relief from all the fear/hunger/thirst/lurking septicemia/power-hungry six-armed despots)
- Unfazed by stressful situations and hostile surroundings
- Agile & resourceful (likely to excel in both masterminding and executing physically demanding missions and not making a big deal out of it)
- Just looks like good company, honestly
- Advanced knowledge of firearms and possible (probable) cover unit training
- Part woman, part machine, part nokia 3310
- Probably able to telepathically communicate with otherworldly invaders in their native language and save humankind
- Army vet
- Makings of a firm but fair leader who emerges organically after the realization he’s the only one who can actually build things and use a compass
- Go-to person for unassumingly profound conversations by the crackling fire