5.6

AEW's Mortal Kombat II Cabinet

A mock-arcade cabinet that would probably play Mortal Kombat II, if any of the game's guts were inside.

In a real loss for me, a person who lives to see expensive stuff get wrecked for the sake of the great sport of professional wrestling, AEW's Arcade Mayhem match from this week's Dynamite featured more "wandering through the arcade cabinets looking for something to play" action than the CRT smashing I was hoping for, given that the feud between Best Friends and Miro and Kip Sabian began with the destruction of one of those custom set-ups Instagram won't stop trying to sell me.

Yes, Chuck Taylor hit a flying crossbody over a very real Mortal Kombat cabinet, but the match's violence was more on the "maim" end of the arcade experience than the "MAME" end. I was enthralled though, hoping that Tony Khan, a dude who just shelled out money to Pixies for the sake of Orange Cassidy, would pony up a couple thou for a Donkey Kong cabinet or something, just as a flex.

[caption id="attachment_80819" align="alignnone" width="1200"] AEW[/caption]

Instead, we got a knock-off Mortal Kombat II rig, which was slightly smaller, drastically lighter, and way easier to throw across the room at somebody than your every day machine, which weighs somewhere around 300 pounds. Miro, the guy who picked it up and threw it, is an extremely strong man, but based on how easily he handled it (and the sheet of paper taped to the screen that said TOKENS in a computer-stock font), the faux MKII cabinet was less an imposing weapon and more the kind of large, awkward box that you shouldn't but totally do take downstairs to the basement by yourself, hoping that, in the event of your death or injury, your friends and family go "that box was awkward" and not "that box was too heavy for them to handle."