Have you ever started watching world-class athletes that have nothing to do with MMA practicing world-class sports that have nothing with MMA and thought to yourself “Hm, I wonder how I can take this world-class thing that has nothing to do with MMA and add a total of 0 (zero) value to the discourse by making it about MMA?”
No?
Well, that probably means you’re a sound-minded individual who is able to create healthy boundaries and live a balanced life. Luckily for you, though, I am not. So instead of doing the reasonable thing of simply enjoying a thing and letting it exist in the world as it is, I decided not to do that at all and come up with this list instead.
Diving – Stephen Thompson
- All about technique & accuracy
- Difficult to score
- Ability to both bore and mesmerize
Badminton – Ryan Hall
- Quirky
- Quasi-hypnotic appeal
- Not everyone cares but those who do will make sure you know all about it
Fencing – Demian Maia
- Cerebral & highly specialized
- Caters to the more sophisticated eye
- Its very essence is conditioned to one main weapon
Judo – Holly Holm
- Every match feels extremely high-stakes
- Forever a top-rated attraction
- Not always quite as exciting as you were expecting
Rhythmic Gymnastics – Yair Rodriguez
- Mainstream appeal & wow factor
- A lot going on
- We only see it every four years but we appreciate it when it happens
Rowing – Ryan Bader
- All about consistency & pacing
- Not necessarily a top-seller, but generally respected
- Can be exciting under the right conditions
Soccer – Amanda Nunes
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- Reliable & accessible
- Power is definitely a bonus but adaptability is key
- One of the few things still keeping Brazilians going
Skateboarding – Jan Blachowicz
- Has been around for a while but feels fresh
- There’s technique involved but casuals can still appreciate it
- About time it got some goddamn recognition
Weightlifting – Donald Cerrone
- Your buzzed uncle with no real understanding of what’s happening is intrigued enough to watch and instantly form *several* opinions
- Appeals to both hardcores and casuals
- Underlying potential for things to go terribly wrong
Triathlon – Valentina Shevchenko
- Truly a complete product
- Makes you feel frumpy and slow and generally bad at existing
- Not the flashiest but can make for a riveting watch once you’re invested
Table Tennis – Demetrious Johnson
- Fast-paced & energetic
- Underappreciated by the masses
- Kind of cool in its own chill way
Athletics – Jon Jones
- Controversy-prone but always the star
- Combination of physicality & tactics
- In case you needed a reminder that there are levels to the whole existing in a human body thing
Softball – Miesha Tate
- Comeback season, baby!
- Approachable & TV-friendly
- There’s probably some mediocre angry man talking shit about it on the internet right now
Shooting – Derrick Lewis
- Pretty straightforward
- Massive dad appeal
- Potential for dramatic change within the blink of an eye
Pole Vault – Michel Pereira
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- Aerodynamic
- Goes where few have dared
- So much risk for catastrophic injury but what can we do it’s just good TV
Water polo – Justin Gaethje
- Athletic and skilled but deep down it’s basically violence
- Beloved by the most depraved & perverted among us
- You don’t really need to comprehend what’s happening to enjoy it
Rugby – Cris Cyborg
- Brains *and* brawn
- Notorious explosive power backed by discipline and fitness
- Violent but in an oddly dignified kind of way?
Surfing – Jiri Prochazka
- Exciting new presence at the world’s biggest mainstream stage
- Youthful appeal
- I don’t really know what’s going on or what I’m supposed to be looking at and the whole thing kind of terrifies me a little but I also know better than to ruin it by asking too many questions
PS: If you are a sensible person existing in 2021, chances are you’re having a tough time reconciling the knowledge that the Olympics are a morally corrupt endeavor with the fact you want to see the fast people run fast. Here are some thoughts by Fanbyte’s own Natalie Weiner on that.
PPS: If you are a sensible person existing in 2021, chances are you will disagree with several items on this list. That’s an entirely reasonable reaction and well within your right as part of a plural and democratic society. All I ask is that you please consider not acting verbally on that disagreement and doing literally anything else instead.
